|Reviews for Chaos and Cruelty|
| Vonnie Jonah 9/7/11 . chapter 26
Good Story so far! Keep up the good work!
| Boy at War 6/5/11 . chapter 3
"My breath caught in my throat..."
Seems like a weird phrase, saying something like there was a lump in my throat would be better, though that could be very sexual O_O.
I shook him gently. "Ethan?"
He flinched and jumped backwards. "Um... What? Was I asleep?"
I couldn't even answer, I just started crying.
I feel like it would be hard for Rain to hold herself back forom shaking him violently after he just told her he was dying, so I think this is a little hard to believe.
The ending was a little kaput here too, I feel like this is not meant to be an ending, and that the next chapter might need to be added onto this one.
| Boy at War 6/5/11 . chapter 2
In the time where Ethan was passed out I thought that you could have done so much more with that. If you had described the changes that happened as Ethan was sleeping or the switched back to Rain's perspective I could have gotten a better feel for the surroundings.
I also thought that the ending was a little lack luster. It was peaceful and I liked it for that, but I felt like this problem wasn't yet over, and so such a resolution-y ending would be much too well resolution-y.
These reviews are for the Review Marathon, the link is in my profile, and feel free to check out the Review Game as well!
| Boy at War 6/5/11 . chapter 1
"Oh right, thanks." I blushed slightly, as I realised I was still in my pajamas, which were kinda see-through.
"I'm going upstairs to get dressed, you can come with me if you want?" I said to Ethan.
This seems kind of weird,if she was blushing because her pajamas were see through, then why would she tell him he can come with her upstairs while she changes?
Ethan shook his head slightly, but then looked kinda dizzy. "Nah, I'm fine. But, can I like sit down or something?"
"Well if you're so 'fine'..."
Seems like they are switching personalities a bit more, but I guess that makes sense. I just think Rain would be a lot more understanding to his probelm and a bit less snarky.
| CyanideMangoOfMassDestruction 6/4/11 . chapter 12
Wow...that's intense! You built up empathy for your characters very nicely.
I liked how you didn't tell exactly what was going on in the rape scene, you let the reader figure it out. I was impressed you were able to do that and still keep it T, not M. Nice job.
| dragonflydreamer 4/8/11 . chapter 11
Congratulations on winning the Review Marathon! Here's your second prize review:
[Thanks anyway!"] The exclamation point seems weird here. I'd imagine her talking with forced optimism, but this made it read genuinely cheerful, at least to me.
[nearly smiled at my own weird thought, but fought it. I didn't want to seem weird, smiling by myself in public for no apparent reason...] Nice little character detail. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I see a lot of your personality in your writing. That has a tendency to be a pitfall of some stories, but you use it very well. It makes this really unique.
I like how this chapter played out. The way you revealed the cutting to Rainbow was well done. The way Starlight admitted everything so easily was childish, and the sister scene afterwards was sweet, even though it was so serious. As far as the situation between Ethan and Rainbow, you resolved a lot of tension, but also created a lot of new strain on their relationship. I feel like they'll be getting into a new phase of their friendship with the knowledge out in the open.
Overall, quite realistic for talking about self-harming. I think you handled it well.
| dragonflydreamer 4/8/11 . chapter 10
Congratulations on winning the Review Marathon! Here's your first prize review:
I'm not really sure if Starlight's POV was necessary. It's so short it really just breaks the flow, and I think what she did could be covered in dialogue with Ethan.
I did like the rest of the chapter, though! In the first part, the excessive use of the word "sorry" was great-it showed a lot of Ethan's emotions, as well as his natural tendency to weakness, very well without having to go overboard on the descriptions.
The second half was also good, though, as I said, the middle threw me out of the emotion a bit. I liked how confused Ethan was, and Starlight's bubbliness and quick changes in emotion provided some relief to a serious chapter.
| dragonflydreamer 3/19/11 . chapter 9
I like the line where she's asked whether finding Ethan or Starlight is more important. Obviously, she cares about Ethan a lot, but Starlight comes first for her. That's an interesting dynamic between them. I wonder if that will become an issue later on.
I really don't like Starlight's narration, though. There's obviously a side of the story that's best covered in her perspective, but she definitely doesn't sound like a three-year-old. In her dialogue, I've been able to accept that she's strange/magical/precocious, but her narration isn't just a matter of big words-it's way too coherent and self-reflecting.
You've left us in an interesting place. Rainbow's going to have quite a shock when she finds the two of them.
Sparkles from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
| dragonflydreamer 3/19/11 . chapter 8
Wow, emotional chapter.
First, I really liked the scene where he was scratching at his cuts. That just...ugh. Always evokes a strong emotion with me. I can't imagine doing that.
The dialogue at the end was great, too. This is the first time we've seen Starlight as anything other than bouncy and confident. If she's scared, then something bad must be happening.
| dragonflydreamer 3/19/11 . chapter 7
(To my last review: Wow, I managed to miss a whole section o_O The last line makes more sense now, but still, I don't get how saying that would tip off Rainbow at all.)
[as Ethan put tape over her mouth.] Oh, geeze. I don't know if you've ever done this, but duct tape HURTS. Also, if Rainbow wanted to learn what Starlight knew, why did she go along with this? I just didn't like this scene.
I liked this chapter because it had a good balance of emotions. It went from some extremely depressing parts with Ethan bleeding to joking and fun in the scenes with Starlight. Great way to keep your readers on their toes.
And just a funny note: In the US, a jumper is a type of dress. I'm sitting here thinking "Why the hell is Ethan asking to borrow a dress?" and had to use wikipedia to figure out that jumper sweater everywhere else in the world XD
| dragonflydreamer 3/19/11 . chapter 6
I like the scenes where both Rainbow and Ethan are upset. They're both very emotionally weak characters. You took a bit of a risk as a writer having neither of your main characters solid, but I think you're pulling it off well. It leaves your readers confused and not sure which side to take, but you put a positive spin on that because it's interesting and makes me want to keep reading.
I don't really like the last line to this. It just confused me. Why would saying he's kind of scared of Starlight have anything to do with Rainbow finding out his secret?
| dragonflydreamer 3/19/11 . chapter 5
I like the interactions when all three characters are present. Starlight really gets to Ethan and I'm curious to find out why. Is it maybe because Rainbow and Starlight are so happy as siblings and he's jealous of their loving family unit?
While I like your back-and-forth between serious scenes and relief scenes, I wish there had been more of a fallout from the last chapter. He read her /diary./ That's a huge breach of friendship. I was expecting something to come of that, so it was a disappointment when you just moved on.
| dragonflydreamer 3/19/11 . chapter 4
[ She wore mostly the same kind of stuff all the time] This would be a good opportunity to give us a sense of Rainbow's style. Considering how far we are into this story, I really have no idea what these two characters look like.
[she'd wrote yesterday.] Because you have "had," it would be "written."
I like the plot of this chapter in itself because it's moving a lot of things forward. However, the motivations are very absent. Why did Ethan read her diary without any second thoughts? Why did Rainbow say such mean things about Ethan when she's clearly worried about him and knows what's wrong with his parents? it really felt like you were pushing their personalities aside just to make this chapter work.
| dragonflydreamer 3/19/11 . chapter 3
[He was kinda cute when he was sleeping... Haha.] I wouldn't put "haha" in narration. Something like "I chuckled" would look better.
I like the extremes of emotion in this chapter. You're hinting at some very serious things with Ethan again, then jumping back into Starlight's antics by the second half. I think you really captured it in your title-there's the chaos and then the cruelty.
Starlight's always an interesting presence in the story. What is she up to now? I like when she shows up because it seems to promise a twist in the plot.
| dragonflydreamer 3/19/11 . chapter 2
I like how even just hearing his name aloud makes Ethan cringe. To me, that's even more emotionally powerful than actually seeing the abuse in a scene. It's terrifying that they've messed with him so much.
On a similar note, I liked the scene where the blood was dripping. For such a stereotypically angsty image, I thought you made an interesting scene out of it. It wasn't so much the emotional side, but rather showing what a confused and fuzzy state of mind he's in.
I like the pacing of this story so far. You have slightly longer chapters and a better distribution of how much is happening.