The like the beginning of this poem, as it starts off as really unique. But I don't really like the end as it falls back into the same thread as a lot of what you've written.

I do find though, that the short lines work better with these poems than the ones I reviewed yesterday, as the tension in these ones needs to be built up quickly, and the short lines do that.

"cant" - Should have an apostrophe.

-From the Review Marathon (check out the link in my profile)