|Reviews for Her Dork In Tinfoil Armour|
| Lady.Of.Cythera 12/20/12 . chapter 33
Okay, I just want you to know that I read this story a small while back. Can't remember how I found it, only that Amber is my favourite name and I was writing a story with her name in it and... and it really doesn't matter how I found it... but I just think you should know that this story is so bloody amazing and I have read it so many times. It should have so much more recognition than it already does have. I love everything about it. You capture the passion so well and the storyline is brilliant. I honestly love everything about it - the cheesy and the witty British remarks. Everything. And you make David so attractive... even with his twelve toes... So, yeah... I know I should have reviewed sooner, but this story is one I regularly visit because it's so genius! Thank you again for posting such a brilliant story!
| Aqua77 9/13/12 . chapter 33
All I can say is 'Wow'...what an epic story. Whitty, heart-breaking, with unexpected twists and turns, great dialogue balance, clear characters and a happy end (without becomming to mush)...great job!
| dragonflydreamer 7/1/12 . chapter 2
[Ever since That Night - that's all I ever referred to it as; That Night, we'd slowly drifted apart.] I'd change this punctuation to: "Ever since That Night - that's all I ever referred to it as: That Night-we'd slowly drifted apart."
[I would have been crazy not to have done.] "Done it" maybe?
[But it may have had something to do with a certain woman which was the reason that I couldn't be around him anymore.] Really awkward sentence. I think you can replace the "which was" with a comma and you're good, but feel free to reword however you want. You just basically said the same thing twice.
[and its place was a neatly combed cut. ] "in its place"
[I had also taken his words far too heart.] "far too much to heart" ?
[He worriedly bit her lip as I turned and walked out] She, not he.
[the most lovely and kindest person I knew ] "The most lovely and kind."
Not really many typos, but there were a lot of awkward phrases in this. I'd say tack on one more read-over than you normally do.
Wow, there's a lot packed into this chapter! The pacing of this story really has be intrigued. Already it seems like so much action has happened since his meeting Amber and his mother's passing are so emotionally charged. And yet this is two chapter of a thirty-three-chapter story, so there's obviously much more plot to come. I'm interested to see where you're taking this when you seem to have so much happening already.
I really like David's character, not because he's necessarily a likeable guy, but because he has so many faults and doesn't hesitate to admit them. He's very real. The scene with him flipping out on Michael was great. If you'd just revealed him to be a womanizer, it would be hard to root for him, but coupled with his strong conviction against cheating, the two balance each other out. The fact that he's forcing himself to keep his distance from Amber also says a lot about him. Based on his character so far, I feel like if anything happens between them, it will be due to her actions, not his.
Speaking of Amber, I love how much she's mentioned without ever appearing. Even more than seeing her directly through David's eyes, this really puts her on a pedestal and makes her more of an abstract entity of this perfect girl than a person. I'm sure there will come a point where this is reconciled and we come to see her as a real person, but it's great to see her venerated to such a degree for now.
| Small Wings Flying 6/28/12 . chapter 6
You’re starting to overuse commas again (you didn’t in the last two or three chapters). It does help in making the opening recount a little more jarring, but I also think there are better ways of doing it and making the effect more…punchy I guess, instead of having commas disrupt the flow of semi-dragging sentences.
I like the quirk with the amnesia. Instead of going with the typical “I can’t remember so let’s piece everything together” hype, you’ve done something just as believable, perhaps more so with brain damage and all, and yet different. And the constant mentions of Amber mark it as a rather personal account, which is made more interesting by the fact that Davis is neither of those characters.
| Small Wings Flying 6/28/12 . chapter 5
Ignore the comment about Rowling in your previous review; I was reviewing someone else's work at the same time and the reviews got mixed up. Sorry for the confusion.
I thought icy water is bad for headaches. So it does seem rather odd that David thinks an icy shower would help; he should have experience with hangovers. Getting some food in his stomach would be better…or Panadol or something on short notice. No pills, and no mention of them? The combination makes it sound a little unbelievable. Or maybe he’s having a hard time remembering things from that time. It doesn’t particularly sound like that from the narration though.
I love the way you summarised the last couple chapters by Gareth’s narration. It’s more interesting than seeing a narrative summary, and the way he says it, while somewhat typical of…well, gossip, is very eyecatching. Particularly with Martha sitting there.
| Small Wings Flying 6/28/12 . chapter 4
Interesting beginning. Immediately battled a well-founded cliché while linking back to the previous chapter’s ending in a semi-detached way. Sounds like he’s scared and trying to cover it up by acting the “tough” guy in those first few sentences.
You certainly put more detail into your work than Rowling does. I love the description of Filch’s grin. On that same paragraph though, I think you should have split the long sentence of dialogue up with that description. Ie. “…” he said with a grin. “…” – except properly of course.
Interesting ploy about the hand-cuffs. It seems a cross of a more sexual nature verses. Something that could be completely innocent, and that verses the almost disappointed recount of the arrest. There’s an element of ennui in that; he’d been hoping for something grander almost.
They didn’t know about security? Seriously? I’m surprised Davis didn’t react to that.
["It'll show what I say." I replied confidently] – comma instead of fullstop. The “I replied” stems into the dialogue as opposed to being a separate action.
| Small Wings Flying 6/28/12 . chapter 3
I love the title of this one. Definitely in keeping with Davis’ personality (or what I’ve seen so far) – and typical, yet captivating at the same time.
[A few months later everything changed.] – this is a place where you would use a comma.
I like your beginning; it sounds like he’s a little unsure and off-footed, but it doesn’t show him off as an under-confident person. It shows a slightly more vulnerable side while keeping in with his character. Particularly since this chapter is a little along (ie. not the first couple), it becomes more difficult from experience to keep within the character frame you’ve drawn up in the first chapter, but I think you’re doing quite a good job at it.
I also like the emotion that came through with this chapter. Not exactly relatable for me, but you’ve written it so well that it doesn’t really matter in terms of getting into the piece.
| Small Wings Flying 6/28/12 . chapter 2
I still get the impression you’re overusing commas here. For example, the line: [I shook my head at Michael as we walked down the linoleum floored corridor, towards the cafeteria] doesn’t require one. It makes the reading a little less fluid, particularly since I don’t feel there’s an overly lack-of-confidence from the narrator. Those sorts of people tend to talk a lot more and go off in more tangents than Davis does, so the extra commas don’t help in picturing his character.
That’s about all I can point out for improvement, except perhaps a couple of more minor things. Once again, I enjoyed the loose atmosphere that is demonstrated with the affiliation of characters, particularly the scene at the beginning that demonstrates that some things never change, so to speak.
On an off note, five years sounds a little much, especially since he was at uni to begin with. Generally, courses finish in three to four years and David nor his friend sound the sort to continue on with further education, nor be taking something like medicine which is distinctly longer.
| Small Wings Flying 6/28/12 . chapter 1
[I realised that my assumption on the last of those was completely wrong, as I listened to my
flatmate's hollering screams, along with a tearing sound, echo from up the hallway.] - This
particular sentence feels like you're mincing words a little too much. Or perhaps commas; it reads
rather awkwardly, especially when reading the following narration.
Apart from that, I rather like the narrative voice. Simple and easy to understand - and while I'll
say he does seem a little immature for a uni student - he's clear about what he's saying (or rather,
you're clear on the voice you're writing as). I can practically feel the irritation halfway down the
first page...and that's not even something I can symphathise with. And the awkward conversations
["Apples? Why would I invest in apples?"] - lol, Death Note reference.
["Yeah, only, when I said it, I actually got told so back."] - I think you could vary the pauses a
little. I noted you seem to use quite a bit of commas.
That bit of song in the middle, was it a part of the narration or song-fic style? Ie. complimentary. I couldn't really tell whether he heard it or not, considering his voice trailed off and all.
[That was when I saw her; and in those few milliseconds, the goals of my life instantaneously changed. ] - I'd have to disagree with your use of ; there.
| Dearest Enemy 6/17/12 . chapter 4
I'll give you an extra brownie point for being a fan of My Chemical Romance.
| dragonflydreamer 6/10/12 . chapter 1
Hello again! I probably won't read beyond this first chapter for the Review Marathon as the chapters are fairly long, but I'll be coming back to this!
I'm interested in this story's relation with its companion. You say it's the same story from another character's point of view-how much does this change/add to the story? Would you suggest reading both, or do they basically cover the same plot?
[The first and the opposite of the last were very much related.] Haha, yeah, it's totally about appearances. I wonder what made David think it wasn't.
[like a male peacock bestowing itself to its mate.] Hah, nice description. I wonder what his character is going to be like.
[No, Apple. It's an American computer company, about to branch out into other technology routes.] Oh? When does this take place? I just don't know my technology timeline, but this seems like a good device to establish your setting.
[ I was probably boring you senseless with my ramblings] Maybe switch this to present tense as he's addressing the readers *now.*
[The was a couple of 'no's] *There and *were
I'm loving the setup for this. Even with this intense love-at-first-sight going on, the tone is fun and obviously directed toward late teen/early twenties readers. A lot of the romance I've read around this site is about high schoolers, so I appreciate coming across this.
And your characters seem great so far! At first, I assumed David would be the awkward shy nice guy stereotype, but he's pretty far from it. As he mentioned himself, he's fairly social, and obviously a genius if he started his doctorate that early. I see a lot of potential in him. And Michael! He's a great supporting character to have. I look forward to their interactions.
I did appreciate the breaking of the fourth wall-a nice little quirk to the story-but make sure you don't overdo it. The paragraph starting with "however, seeing as no one..." in particular was just too much.
Same goes for his obsession with Amber. I think the description in this chapter was great because we truly got to see her through his eyes. I'm just hoping the entire story doesn't continue with this devotion-from-a-distance, though, because that could get really boring really fast.
Great start, and looking forward to more!
-Sparkles from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
| Dearest Enemy 6/10/12 . chapter 1
Woaaah! It's so nice to finally read a story that isn't a cliched mess written by a monkey with a laptop. In my language, that translates into 'this story is really good so far'.
I don't usually review stories until the end, but I just have one small critique that would kill me if I didn't say it. It's spelt 'Tweedledee and Tweedledum', not 'Twiddle'.
Peace out. Ginger Fingers.
| JinxedClover 11/15/11 . chapter 33
It's Sonnet 18 not 30. Anyway, it was a good story, both heart-breaking and heart-warming.
| The Imagination Addict 10/14/11 . chapter 4
hmm his thought processes are funny, but the writing is very disjointed... im not sure if im up for finishing this...
| The Imagination Addict 10/14/11 . chapter 3
hmm is there a chapter missing from 2 to 3? cos there seems to be a very abrupt jump