|Reviews for Archeon|
| 3M2R 1/3/11 . chapter 1
Erm... Not too bad a chapter, just that it's pretty difficult to get settled down into reading it... Somehow it seems like you're describing more than what's needed...
You seem to be describing every minute detail which can irritate the reader if introduced at the wrong time, some details are still welcomed though.
You use a lot of commas which restrains the flow of your story. It's like introducing an interlude every few minutes when you're watching a the way, you also try to cram too much information into one sentence.
sentences like 'gale turned away from the window, undressed, and stepped into bed' won't sound as if too much is crammed into one if you had split them up into more sentences. One idea per sentence is optimal IMO.
anyhow, it's not too bad.
| Mad Asher 1/1/11 . chapter 1
the third paragraph when you say villagers were 'pushy' (which is an action) you say Gale 'argued back' which doesn't make any sense. If people in crowds are doing something psychical and not saying anything or 'arguing', what does he have to 'argue' with them about? Or perhaps you mean he's cursing at them and yelling at them, telling them to back off and watch where they're going.
Like when you say sky is so dark he couldnt move without slipping off the edge, sounds cool. So these Archeon have wings, what are they bird-men or something? (apologizies if i missed something i have attention span and skimmed).
I just have to say...for the first chapter, this isn't very engaging. I mean, granted i am not your average reader, but you kinda lost me in the barrage of descriptions. How 'bout some action, fast-faced battle scenes, or maybe description of flight?
What i would do is add a prologue where Gale or some Archeon flies around the sky and describe what he sees below. Maybe he sees other Archeon airborne, or maybe he sees something new and totally cool. Just an idea, bounce it around and see if it works out.
| The lone canine 1/1/11 . chapter 1
Wow. Simply put, a very interesting and well written story start. I really like how this is written, it feels so original and fresh, and it has original characters that are likable. Gale for instance is very likable and I can't wait to see what kind of things he gets into now. Love this. Write more soon please!