I like it! Write! Write!

Here's your review from the rule 10 inception - and I must say it's the first time I've gotten one at a reasonable time (as far as AEST goes). Since I just finished reviewing your only other chapter of Touch when the alert came, I'm reviewing this instead.

Interesting idea. And wow, your description is so vivid. I like that because it lets me paint an image of your scene in my mind, and particularly as this is an /in/action scene the detail is particularly suited. The image of the leaves in particular is really stirring, particularly with falling/dry leaves representing autumn and the approach of change.

[Without hesitation Jayden plucked out one of the tiny flowerings with a smirk, now he was safe from the EL directive.] - I think that's where you would use a semicolon.

I like how you use the term "assassination" - it's less bold than murder but more than a simple elimination, and really adds to the underlining story/theme you seem to be setting up. Something more serious than a mere game, and you've nicely executed (no pun intended) that with the way Jayden really gets into the game.

Admittedly, I don't think I quite grasped the game yet, but I imagine you'll explain more as the story goes on.

Pissed at the unintentional reminder of just how alone he was Jayden sat bolt upright glowered to himself.

Edit: Pissed at the unintentional reminder of just how alone he was, Jadon sat bolt upright, glowering to himself.

-

Come to think of it, he nothing to make dinner with and he hadn't eaten lunch either.

Edit: You forgot a word between "he" and "nothing". I'm guessing you meant "had" but I could be wrong.

-

I agree with other reviewers. I liked how you set up the story. You got us hooked in the beginning with the game and then you go on to explain the back story. Blake and Jayden both sound like interesting, believable characters.

-Mattie

We play a similar game at my college called Assassins. The only difference is we win bragging rights instead of cash.

The first line in italics was a great hook. It caught my attention right away.

I didn't think it was too short. It was quick, clear, and concise. The action kept it moving and intense. Bummer about the title though.

From the Roadhouse

I like the way you've set up the two chapters, introducing TAG in the first one then segueing on to setting up the main plot point of this chapter, which I think is done rather well. I like the way you bring up Jayden's background problems, not in a way for the reader to feel sorry for him but to show him coping with it, which I think is done really realistically.

The dynamic and dialogue between Jayden and Blake seems really natural and not at all forced, and I can tell that they've been friends for years. Blake seems like an interesting character as well, and I'm glad they both have real motivation for trying to win the money rather than "I'm already well off but one a better house/car whatever" or "I just want the money so I have a lot of money". It makes it more realistic in my opinion.

Again I really like your writing. It is clean but vivid, and although you haven't had the opportunity to really describe anything in detail, I can tell from what you've written so far it would be good. The strength is your ability to impress the characters personality on the narrative voice, which I really like. It means I've started to really empathise with Jayden very early on, which is one of the hardest things to do as a writer so I applaud you for that.

[It was long past sun down by the time Jayden wearily trekked up the front of his sorry-excuse for a house, shoes and socks stuffed with mud and dried leaves and streaks of dirt all over his clothes and skin serving as his trophy for coming runner-up instead of the crisp one hundred and fifty dollars he'd been aiming to win.] - I think this is a run off sentence that should be shortened. It would be better if there was a full stop after leaves, then a new sentence "The streaks of dirt..."

[Maybe he was a little lonely all by himself and maybe he did resent having to return this empty, rundown crap-shack every day after slaving his ass off all day at some poorly-paying part-time job to pay the bills and write off the debts his runaway mother and absent father had left him with six months ago at the age of seventeen instead of going to school.] - Again I think this is another too long sentence, but I'm not sure how to break it up. Maybe put a period after "and absent father had left him with". Then start a new sentence. "That was 6 long months ago. He had to drop out of school..." or something like that.

Hope this helped

Drazer

From the Roadhouse

This was a great first chapter. It really hooked me in, with the interesting idea and great, exciting writing. Although just to warn you, I've read a published book with a similar premise to this. I can't exactly remember what it was called, but the game was basically the same but with water pistols, so I'm interested to see what your take on the game will be.

On the writing front, it was really excellent. I couldn't find any grammatical mistakes or mistakes in the phrasing of the words, the description was excellent without hindering the action and you really adeptly ratcheted up the suspense.

I've rarely seen a first chapter, on fictionpress at least, where you get into the head of the character as much. You really show Jayden's emotions and bring out his personality, which is excellent, making the chapter a lot more engaging.

Overall I really enjoyed reading this and am looking forward to reading more!

ohh i want to see what happens next!

:P

-M

I think you did a great job of explaining the game and how the equipment worked in this chapter, but at the same time I was a little confused as to how you assassinate people. I also think that you could make the beginning a little more captivating. I read the summary and was intrigued, but when I started reading I wasn't as excited.

Me again! So my last review question is still unanswered... but anyways, great second chapter. I like how everything got started and we find out the reason why Jayden's playing.

Great beginning and I can't wait to read more!

When I first read your summary,I immediately thought of the Hunger Games and that's what drew me to this. I like where this is going so far. I like the suspense and the thrill of the hunt, if you will.

I'm somewhat confused. There are two assassins after him now? I get that there was his original one, but where did the other one come from?

Maybe it'll be explained in the next chapter?

- I forgot what forum brought me here, lol. Perhaps, Roadhouse or Gossip?

Nice job. You have some pretty good descriptions, and your characters are very believable.

I;m enjoying what I've read so far, keep it up!

Elizabeth :D

This is interesting, and I'm glad you broke down what TAG was or I would have no idea what was happening.

I liked the flashes of inner turmoil you played in Jayden's head, I think it's good foreshadowing for the large amount of money that will soon be potentially in his grasp. It was also nice to introduce a friend. Haha loved the fact his eyes grew with each zero - it enticed him immediately I see. Well at least we have some plot direction now, I have a feeling this is going to be a game to end all games. Will Blake be coming along too somehow...? Great work, looking forward to more. Luke

I'm so glad that you're finally posting up more stories. You always come up with original ideas, which I am envious of!

The first line already had me hooked - you cut right to the chase. The detail you add in such a short chapter is incredible, and it doesn't overwhelm the reader, which is a real problem for some authors on this site. Already, I have a feel of what might await me later in the story.

When I read how you had to change the title of your story so many times, I laughed. I didn't even know there was a movie by that title! Too bad we weren't around decades ago. Otherwise, "The Assasination Game" does the job just as well as your original title.

No comments on grammar or punctuation or anything. Maybe a few sentences that seem to run on forever(?), but that's only a matter of preference.

Anyway, love where this is going. Keep posting! I've been so lazy these holidays - haven't read anything until this, and now I'm hooked again.

This seems like a battle royale sort of set up you've got here. Obviously not a lot plot-wise happened here but we got a good introduction to the game. The whole scene felt realistic with the descriptions and inner thoughts, and I can't wait to see this game intensify (and perhaps get out of hand if your summary is to be believed...?) Interesting and original piece, I look forward to reading more :) Luke