For a demon, she seemed pretty human.

Must have really sucked to be either of them.

I wonder if something unthinkable would occur. The forbidden lust perhaps?

Anyway there is something minor that I would like to point out, there is a typo in which Jack's name is in lower case. You can find it by rolling down to the bottom of the page and it's on the sentence at the top of the screen.

The chapter kinda reminds me of a Greek mythology and a anime series based from that.

It's pretty interesting and I'm enjoying it so far.

War is hell and in this case, literally.

Nice sue of back story rather than prologue so that way, you can get on with the story itself. Granted it's mainly flashback but still, now we know what the story is about already and now to see how it will play out.

Hokuto Uchiha from Club Blitz here _

This is very good. All I see that needs working on is the punctuation in some places. Ex.: "He tried again; leaping at her while, Cylar had her distracted and thrusting at her with the Bayonet, just like how he did in Combat Training." should be "He tried again, leaping at her while Cylar had her distracted and thrusting at her with the bayonet, just like how he did in combat training."

Other than some punctuation fixings, this was really good :)

But his face shown no pain, nor hurt, just anger and sorrow.

Okay, a few little problems:

His name is Jack Conner; he's a CSA 45th Marine of the 807th Strike Battalion, 53rd Division.

And he's dead. [You started of the story in past tense, now it's more present]

You're probably wondering how he died, and what his story is. Well then, let's take a look at that, shall we? [This may be just me but directly talking to the reader doesn't sound right in most cases. It could lead to a lot of info-dumping]

Large and not largely populated, it is prone to having many rebel attacks often. [Consider rephrasing. Maybe something like, 'The planet was large, but not largely populated. The few citizens that inhabited the planet experienced frequent rebel attacks' or something like that.]

There exo skeleton could withstand a direct hit [should be their]

[Just another point, not everyone will understand your gun references]

Soon we were the ones pushing them back and fighting on their land. Instead of the other way around. [instead of the other way around shouldn't be it's own sentence, i would recommend removing it all together]

However, good bits. It's a good concept original story. Just be careful with info-dumping. if you load too much on the reader they won't be able to keep up. I like the ideas of the different species. All together, interesting but i would recommend getting a friend or someone to read over it first. the errors take away from the overall enjoyment. Good luck.

Generally, I love the descriptions: the aliens, the guns, and planets and such. I also like that you put in details and explanations about the foreign terms but sometimes, it's just that it slows down the story that in order for the reader to progress through the story is to skip a few paragraphs. It will be nice if you mix those definitions along with the story so that it won't hinder the story flow...

But this chapter is actually good. I like the details, and the war scene and some of the foreshadowing (although sometimes, those things confuse me).

So, I'm going to read further...

Red-Eyed-Raven93

(Via Gossip)

Such a good start! I love how you started this story with quite an action-filled chapter. It makes me want to read more and find out what happens! Also, I like the cliffhanger at the end; it was definitely filled with much emotion. Just a little criticism though, when your characters say 'Grr', I would just get rid of it. It doesn't really give me the image of them growling. I would suggest just writing "he/she growled in irritation" :)

Hello

I am returning the favour after you reviewed my No Escape story :)

I have to say, I very rarely read fiction such as this, so, whilst it isn't my prefered genre, I did enjoy it. I thought it was very well written and in particular enjoyed your descriptions and use of language especially the opening sentence: "tear filled clouded sky" - awesome!

I will be sure to read the rest of your story and give you another review once I'm finished - but I'm quite busy at the moment and I have to go, so it would be half-assed and rushed if I did it now, so maybe in a few days time :)

Take Care

Vicky

Welp, I looked at that last review and just shook my head so I'll try to not fill up the page. Though it seems that happens when you review as you go, but I digress...

OKay well I like your descriptions here and it seems you are a little less excited, so there's a better story flow that helps to keep the reader, me, engaged. Thanks. The explaination of why Jack was different was a tad too long. You actually kept repeating yourself so you could thin that out if you did an edit.

So far your style of writing is SO different from the first chapter. I'm glad you tihtend it up. Now the feeling of the story is sort of, well, anime -ish. I can't see Jack or the story as being something with a real person, he comes across to me as someone seen on a cartoon. Not sure why, but it is in the way you're writing. Don't know if that helps you understand what one of your readrs is thinking but I thought I'd throw that in there. And by no means is that a bad thing. Maybe this is something you could sell to one of the Cartoon netowrks...You never know. You also have Chapter three in here...LOL! And you have a different chapter three so I think you shoul've kept the break where it is. But let me continue.

What a freaking differnec from the first...What happned? This was exciting, well thought out, colorful, fun, funny, and dramatic. Your explainations are well done and aside from the over use of He, she, her, this was covered in awesome. I hope you continue this trend of writing, because I truly enjoyed it and that's what makes it Epic! Since this was Chapter three also sort of I'll have to get with the rest later. I have a lot of patrons to get to. Thankss for dreaming up such a unique group of characters and I can't wait to see the Fire Demoness again.

Frap.

Hello Epic, I'm Frap admin of Club Blitz and I've been working all over the place in real life, Im sorry I havent' had a chance to review your work so I'll apologize and payback all at once. I review as I go so let's get started.

From the beginning, the setting is well done. You have some early typos so hopefully it doesn't continue throughout the piece. You got some grammar to work on and tense to work on like singular and plural but no real biggie yet.

The transition from the funeral to the man in the other realm needs some tightening up. The description of where he was and where he was standing could be better written. YOu can ask me how. But he has a great description but no action other than cussing. I get he was speaking about the woman but what I don't get is what was around him? Give us some more details there also.

And who is supposed to tell this story? In your addressing the reader it felt more like comic bookish which is a contracidtion to the poetic beginning and style of writing for the funeral. SO try not to address the reader but kraft your statement something like. "The mysery of his death is best told in the back story of his life." and then just leave it at that.

OKay, now this is sounding sci-fi with supernatural. Good mix but hard to pull off. If you want the story to be read as if somone is speaking to us you need to make a character to do jut that. When you the author address the reader it interupts our reading thought. Like if you are reading an action scene all of a sudden the author writes, I have to go pee wait for a moment...I'm sure you' would be like what?

Read it back to yourself and only post what we need to read. Try not to speak to us on a one to one. or in a conversation. Its just destracting.. But I wont' keep harping about it...ON with it the history lesson.

The histroy lesson is interesting but you need to not just throw it at us. YOu have a lot of info that we need to know but write it in a way that we will remember. It comes across as an outline. The cyrons seem to work wel lwith the humans so I dont' know, talk more of the culture and then work a little better with the ddesriptions of the weaponry. When you get to the Ants, then make sure you play them up as the villains they are. Why are they so bad, and what have they done? We don't know much about them to be ready to burn them to death. So in your writing I can tell you are excited but give me the reader something to get mad and exited about as well.

Whoa cowboy...I see you couldn't wait to kill your enemy but wait...Let the reader be the one to go nuts. Keep your sanity, and what's up with that long number? Seriously? And the spelling of Nuke...That screams comic book so some of your readers may be like WTF?

You have spirit in what you have typed and your emotion is great but channel it to your writing not to trying to tell us. Show us all of what you are seeing. For the way you have wrtiten this the battle mut have been epic so do the following...

1. Tell us what the color of the sky was.

2. Tell us what the people did, or didn't do.

3. Tell us what the epic song was for theose who went into battle and who the heroes were all about.

4. Give us some war phrases, battle cries something to engage us in the battle also.

5. For Pete sake give us more details on everything that you see in your head when you are writing this.

You go from blowing up a planet in Armageddon style action to saying we cut to the heroe?

You need to transition better than that. Your story deserves it.

Okay, now you do a masterful job of the mission. YOu need to take that style and detailing and put it at the beginning. This chapter is actually a little lengthy for wath you have. This fight should be chapter two and then it would give you a chance to put more details in the first half. This section is also well planned and doesn't read like you just wrtoe out your outline. And numbers are always typed out, not typed in numerical form. Just throwing that in there.

Now just where the hell did the dramatic writer come from? Jacks death and issues with his family are wonderfully written and though a grammar blotch here and there, it was really well done!

Okay, well over all the story has tremendous potential and yes, it is a set up for an epic tale however, you need to break this chapter apart and settle down in the beginning and write out your thoughts as eloquently in the first half as you did the last. The end was full of emotion that ws tempered with reasons and details, . It gave us a moment to get to know the character and felt like we were grounded in one place and not jumping from one aspeact of the lives of the pople in the story to the next. IF that's confusing let me know at the club.

I can tell you are so eager to tell the story you need to give it an edit beofre you post to the readers. You may even get a load of hits for this but tell ya what, I think you'll get even more with cleaning up the beginning.

The pace is really fast. So slow it down a bit. You also need to work on less info military dumps unless you tell us more about the machinery instead of just listing weapons. We can't appreciate it if we don't know what it can do or what it is used for. So keep that in mind.

I know you got a lot of chapters so I'll do one more for you tonight and then go to someone else. but I plan to continue to see what you do with your characters. It is engaging, ujust needs some cleaning up.

Later, Frap.

I'm almost certain I've already read chapter 14. It might be a duplicate. Anyway, on 15, I'm getting that Cylar's still uncomfortable around Cyraxo. Which is fine, it helps with the characters.

A sentence that didn't make much sense:

"Yeah, Cyraxo fought in Hell when Her, Jack and George were escaping."

I know what you meant, but you should probably change it to:

"Yeah, Cyraxo fought in Hell WITH Jack and George WHEN THEY were escaping."

All in all, good, although your summary is coming true a little slowly. What's the vile rot? I guess I'll find out.

So: Final Verdict, because this story is on hiatus and there aren't any more chapters for me to read: A good, entertaining read that did have a couple errors, but nothing life threatening. You did a good job with this.

Watch those dots. They still seem pointless. Still, good. It's funny to see how much Cylar and Cyraxo hate eachother and the loopholes they take.

So now we meet the angel mentioned in the summary. Be careful when you type, you're starting to write the wrong word again (holey instead of holy). Watch the capitals too, you missed Jack's name once and capitalized HE for no reason. All in all, still good.

A note: Of course, Pandora Radio decides to spew all the angelsdemons metal that exists right now. Oh well, I don't mind.

Ouch. Sucks for Jack. My favorite character is definitely George. He's just awesome. So far so good, still nothing new to say.