|Reviews for Weeds In The Garden|
| Jared Gullage 2/12/11 . chapter 1
I think I like this poem better than the other I reviewed.
One set of lines really sticks out to me:
When the baby draws its first breath
Does it think of the old man lulled to sleep by death.
I don't know whether or not that's not a poem all by itself. It stuck an image into my brain.
I don't get the line: "Does life matter to anything other than you?" This doesn't make it bad. I just don't know if I get it.
I don't like the line "Or is it just a tool?" I think I would take that line out. It adds nothing, sounds like high school, and seems to just go for the rhyme. Same thing with the very last line. It sounds like a young high schooler talking here. Go with the flow, man. What is the flow? How does one follow it?
In fact those four lines after it might be adjusted, too. I get this image of someone stabbing at the ground with a rake (which I like). I'd keep that image, but present it differently.
I recommend you go and read some stuff that REALLY helped me in writing poetry. I am talking about Imagist poets. The imagists present concrete imagery in their poems ONLY. Try a little T.S. Eliot, a little H.D. (Hilda Doolittle), some William Carlos Williams. When you see a noun in one of these poems, it is used to evoke an image specifically. The initial image is enough for these poets, but if you dig deeper, you'll see that these objects can also evoke meaning. It takes some doing, but try it and see. If you don't get the poems, go look them up on Wikipedia. Give it a try, and you'll start to see your writing improve. People like Cormac McCarthy are doing this. Use specific things to suggest a meaning. Again, these are just suggestions and I don't want to burden you. The poems I'm recommending are about ten lines long, though.