|Reviews for Imminent Insanity|
| BLUBBER BONER 9/23/12 . chapter 1
I'm in the corner, spreading my thighs,
I'm cumming over here, why can't you hear me?
I'm giving it my all, but i'm not the girl you're fucking,
I keep fapping on my own.
| Dancing Secret Santa 12/23/11 . chapter 2
Merry Christmas! And if you don't celebrate Christmas, happy holidays!
Well, Ethan sure is in a pickle now, isn't he? I think his mother has definitely gone off the deep end with how she's yelling at the clerk trying to convince her that Ethan is a girl. The poor kid must be going through hell. I gotta admit, while he was standing there not saying anything when the clerk was asking if he was a boy or a girl, he took it rather well. I probably would have spit in my mother's face and ran out the door. xD It's a good thing Rainbow showed up when she did though... I wonder what Ethan's mom would've said if she saw them hugging.
A couple times during this chapter there were a lot of lines of dialogue back-to-back that could have probably used a speaker tag or two to make sure the reader remembers who's talking. I think I noticed this during the conversation between Rainbow and Hannah, then at the end with the one between Rainbow and Ethan.
You know, Rainbow's right, Ethan is acting kinda like a PMSing girl. She was only trying to be nice and then he says some really mean things to her, like calling her stupid and saying she was better when she was sick. I guess it's the stress talking... but still, those are some hurtful words. And from the way Rainbow reacts to them, I'm guessing her sickness wasn't something to joke about.
I'm glad we're starting to see Ethan rebel a bit more in this chapter and start to show some emotions. I have a feeling he won't be able to take much more of this before he goes off on someone. I'm wondering why he was taking off the back of his phone as a threat - does he have a razor in there? From the way Rainbow was afraid he'd hurt himself, that's the only thing I could think of.
Merry Christmas! And I hope you have a great new years, too. -
| Dr. Self Destruct 9/18/11 . chapter 1
Hmm, this is indeed a few interesting idea, I don't think I've ever seen something like this done before, haha. I know I should probably read the story that came before this, but I really wanted to review something of yours that was more recent - so here I am.
The whole idea behind his parents referring to his as a girl was really well done, I thought. It gave a very creepy vibe, like his parents really are crazy (like Rainbow was saying), and I was just waiting for one of them to snap. The fact Ethan is so afraid of them leads me to believe he's deal with some abuse in the past, and now I'm really curious to discover why they seem to think he doesn't act like a boy (especially when he has a girl friend). Rainbow's reaction about the entire thing was kinda funny - I could definitely see me laughing about the situation if my friend was telling me about it.
But yeah, his parents really do seem like they're off their rockers. I wonder how the mother/daughter bonding time is going to go... hopefully she doesn't make him try on dresses (unless, of course, he's into that sorta thing).
| laurenexplorin 7/7/11 . chapter 1
hm...this story seems interesting..
| laurenexplorin 6/18/11 . chapter 18
All alone :( great story so far! Very descriptive! Can't wait to read more!
| lookingwest 6/6/11 . chapter 9
Since I have really no idea what's happening this late, forgive me if I miss-quote or understand something, XD.
I thought that the retrospect of breaking up with Rainbow was realistic and good-hindsight is always 20/20, so I thought the observation about regretting the hurtful words that were said were very realistic, if not even mature, it's just too bad they weren't realized before hand, of course.
I didn't like the transition of (At Home) because I think you could have worked it into the narrative and said something-which...well actually you did work it in with "When I got home..." so I'm really finding (At Home) kind of pointless.
The themes of this chapter were a little un-settling, I'm not going to lie. Every time I read your writing, especially with the Rainbow stories, I just really hope that none of this is through experience or something. I would kind of be wary of putting in themes about "it's okay to beat your girlfriend" even if you personally don't believe that, it might send the wrong message to young adult readers? Or maybe you do believe it? Not sure, obviously, XD, but I just really hope that this is really fiction, I don't know, it just makes me feel so bad for all your characters!
| Stephanie M. Moore 5/31/11 . chapter 6
"We continued walking in silence for a couple of minutes, until we finally reached the ice-cream place."
I don't know if that comma is necessary. At least, the sentence flows better without it (as you read.)
"He'd just hit me! ...Well, at least he hadn't broken up with me?"
Humph... She needs to break up with him!
OK... Ethan is a goner. He is officially off every list of 'decent characters' in my mind. He's been violent to her- twice! In one chapter! And it's not even that he hit her- it was more the way he paused before he did it. He thought about hitting her and chose to continue. It was compulsive (which still would not have been excusable!)
I was really with you until this sentence, "Have you ever been raped? No? Then you have no right to tell me whether I can get upset from being reminded of it or not!"
After that, things got ridiculous. The argument felt childish again- not as bad as some of their arguments in Romance and Rumors, but it still didn't feel like a mature discussion. It's the roundabout way you phrase things that gives it that edge. It's the "you did this!" but "you did that!" and the "well, you did that too so it doesn't count anymore!"
I fear that you will have a hard time reconciling Ethan's character after this (at least for me.) And he is a crybaby. Just sayin'. I don't know if there is any redemption for his actions.
OK. I will stop ranting now. It's a testament to your writing that I'm getting this worked up. There aren't many errors that are drawing my attention away from the story, so good work there. I think you also have good chapter lengths, by the way. They're easy to read and pick apart, and they don't overwhelm your reader with a ton of information.
Good work so far on this story. Keep it up.
| Stephanie M. Moore 5/31/11 . chapter 5
"I wondered where my mom was gonna be going, and why,"
Lose both of the commas in the above sentence part. They just aren't necessary.
Hmm. I completely do not condone Ethan's angry violence in the chapter, and it really does put a dent in his character for me. I don't care what your life experiences are, it does not justify physical violence against others (especially a woman you claim to love!) Yep... my opinion of him is quite, quite low now.
And I don't like the way Rainbow believes that she completely deserved it. I don't think she should have accepted it so easily. Don't be a martyr. I'm not very happy with her here, either. (I'll get off my feminist bit now though.)
And Ethan over-reacted. It was unrealistic for me, personally. He went on his rampage and I completely checked out, rolling my eyes as I went. OK... so he was reaped by his mom. That changes thing (I'm glad you mentioned this, I feel like I'm a bit more 'in the know' now.) That's a very traumatic experience, but I still have a problem with his reaction because he was violent AFTER and not during Rainbow's antics. Eh. I'll shut up now.
I did enjoy the first half of this chapter, though. It was awkward- their sexual discussion- but I thought you presented it in a very normal way. It was realistic... even his 'problem' and their reactions. And you continued to hold out some suspense on what is going on with his parents. I'm curious about what you have planned for that part of your plot.
| Stephanie M. Moore 5/31/11 . chapter 4
Short chapter... here we go:
"I wondered what the hell had happened to her since before."
Before? Before what? Include an object.
"She used to be evil to me and Ethan, but now she was just acting nice?"
I'm not a fan of the question mark. I get what you're trying to do with it, but I don't think it works like you wanted.
"I wondered if they'd gone to therapy while Ethan was living with me, or if they were just taking happy-drugs every day now, or what."
Ditch the comma after "now."
Yes! We have some inflection of humor and lightheartedness! It was good to see them laugh and joke some. (I enjoyed the 'wet yourself' joke (call me immature).) And then, there was that little romantic scene there at the end. It was a nice interlude between all of the angst of the previous chapters. I'm glad you included that.
And so we have another awkward moment for Ethan... I hope we'll be moving on soon. You don't want to beat a dead horse (which you run the risk of doing... though I don't believe you've reached that point yet.)
I /really/ like your foreshadowing at the end- it helps keep the reader's interest, and I like to see that you have a sign of a coming plot development!
| Stephanie M. Moore 5/31/11 . chapter 3
"I wondered if I should break up with her, that would serve her right."
"I'm sorry for saying you were being stupid and tactless, though no offence, but you kinda were."
offence - offense
And I'd trade "though" for "but." It works better grammatically.
"Sorry for being "stupid and tactless", then."
Move the comma to the inside of the quotation.
"Well to be more accurate, you'd like a guy that was trying to look like a girl."
You omitted a word- I would assume it is "look" between "you'd" and "like."
I was very pleased with the way you handled the argument. I was worried when it almost extended after their initial apologies, because that would have been very childish. But I am happy to see that your characters handled the situation like mature young people. Because, despite all the angst your fostering, childishness does not make a good story.
But I digress. I thought your dialogue was very natural, and I enjoyed reading it (which is a good thing considering it comprised most of this chapter...)
And now I see the purpose of the edge of the cell phone. I think Ethan is your best character, in terms of development. He has the largest spectrum of emotion, and I think he tends to react (or at least you describe it)... best (sucky description, I know.)
| Stephanie M. Moore 5/31/11 . chapter 2
"Which I still couldn't get over the weirdness of."
Meh. I'm not a fan of the ending preposition. I would recommend trying to revise this.
"I was totally bored now, and slightly lonely at this point."
This is a consistent mistake I've noticed in this chapter and the last. You tend to add commas before your conjunctions even where they are not needed. In order for your comma usage to be correct in this sentence, your second phrase "slightly lonely at this point" must be able to stand alone as an independent clause. At present, it does not- therefore, omit the comma.
"Starlight wouldn't be back for a while, my parents probably wouldn't show up for a while either, so I really had nothing to do."
"his parents would hit him for me texting him, right?"
Um... that's a bit complicated. I'd simplify this.
Once again, I thought you did an excellent job with Ethan's emotions. They were very realistic- that would be a very embarrassing situation, and I thought you captured his shame very well.
I did not like the way you skimmed over Hannah's reaction to the news that Ethan's parents think he is a girl. I would think that would force some reaction. A double-take for example, lots of laughter, disbelief- something more than Hannah's quick acceptance and dismissal. I just didn't think it was /realistic/.
I'm confused about how Ethan can hurt himself with the back cover of his phone, but I will just assume that is due to my lack of back-reading. If it's not then you know. If it is, you can ignore my four sentence rant about it.
| Stephanie M. Moore 5/31/11 . chapter 1
OK... I'm going to apologize in advance. I don't have the time to back-read to update myself on the plot of the first two stories. So, I won't be able to offer much criticism regarding long-term plot development. I will, however, do my best to provide you with quality feedback.
"It was as if life had given up on producing excitement and trouble, and was trying to make it seem like Rainbow, Ethan and Starlight had just imagined absolutely everything that had happened before."
Omit the comma after "trouble." And the final part of that sentence after "Starlight" is odd because of its structure. I would recommend revising it to flow better and eliminate the preposition at the end of the sentence.
"That's so stupid, Starlight's like 3"
Spell out "three."
"Another weird thing my parents had been doing was making breakfast in the morning and dinner in the evening, and making me and them..."
Omit the comma after "evening."
""Well, it started with Starlight getting up at like 6 to make cookies..."
Spell out "six."
"No. I'm not hungry." I said, but it came out as a whisper.
Replace the period with a comma at the end of your dialogue, before the speaker tag.
Your writing has improved a lot since I reviewed a little bit on Romance and Rumors. You write with better descriptions and flow, and I feel like you have a better mixture of formal writing and the colloquial/personal style of each character.
I think you do an excellent job of representing Ethan's trepidation toward and fear of his parents. It's very realistic, and I think you really give us an idea of just how traumatizing his experience was (though I have no idea what they did to him...)
One characterization that I kind of scoffed at was that of the mother during the argument with Starlight. She doesn't sound like much of a parent if she stoops to the reactions of a three year old (regardless of the abnormality of said three-year-old.) She is an adult, but she definitely does not act like it.
Shopping? Mother-daughter bonding? For a guy who looks like a guy to the rest of the world? This could certainly cause some strange circumstances...
| Sakina the Fallen Angel 5/29/11 . chapter 1
I haven't read the previous story, so I guess I'm kinda jumping in here. In terms of writing style, this flowed very well and I was able to get what was going on-ish. I found your dialogue to be very realistic, and I liked your narrator's voice - Ethan's confusion was portrayed very well, both in his thoughts and in his actions. Perhaps you could add in some descriptions here so that we get an idea of the setting or of the characters.
Didn't spot any typos!
| hungryeagle32 5/3/11 . chapter 11
Wow great story. It's kinda random that Ethan's parents are treating him like a girl. I sorta feel sorry for him! Update soon plz.
| dragonflydreamer 4/3/11 . chapter 4
(I was going to do this for the RG and was beat to it, so rather than get into a Rule 10, here's a freebie! :D)
Jumping from where I am about midway through Chaos and Cruelty, I like where their relationship is. It's not too different as a couple, but just enough to be realistic in the transition. It's cute!
I'm a bit torn about the content of this chapter, though. It's fun and cute, but nothing constructive happens. Having not read the story in-between or the first three chapters of this, I have no idea what's different other than the fact that they're dating or what the conflict of the story is.
I also wish you had gotten into the "family stories" at the beginning. They're always fun to hear, they could give a good glimpse into Ethan's past, and also delve into the mother a where she stands now a bit better.
Sounds like the series is going as fun as ever, though. I'll be up to this story eventually!