|Reviews for Red Bird Swoon|
| Lee's ghost re-born 3/24/11 . chapter 1
This poem, and your raw talent touch me so I thought I’d review. Firstly, I applaud some of your vivid word-choice in some places. For example, “its lover flares,” is good active line; “Sightless moon,” gives me the image of a fellow moon masked in thick clouds. But I feel “the crow crows,” is a weak line, (think of what sort of sounds when making love.)
I am a published author (you can find a piece of fiction in Camp Chase Mag) and a showcased poet (meaning I’ve had work displayed, although unpublished) and I would like pass on something a poetry professor once told me, although it is slightly abridged. She said: “In poetry you need to be vivid because you have fewer words to sculpt a picture.” Each has to add to the scene or emotion you write about.
I am not too thrilled about your exit. The line, “ When does the redbird grow?” seems awkward and doesn’t make much sense to me. I think you were going for some abstract thought, but I think what you have is abstract enough. When I think of a “Redbird” I think of a cardinal, searching for seeds in a winter snowfall. When I think of a crow, I think of this fat ugly, obtrusive bird that shrieks a lot, And these two things are in love? My question is: why? The answer should be your exit.
Believe me, (although we deny it like hell with our writer’s egos) truly great writing takes a few drafts. The story I wrote took about three drafts before I sent it off my editor, and then one more. :) I truly think you have a lot of raw talent and would enjoy your thoughts on some new poems I posted.
Write on and hope to hear from ya soon!