|Reviews for Shadow Future|
| Dreamers-Requiem 5/2/13 . chapter 5
Bit on the short side. Chapters should be around the same in length. This didn’t feel like it really added much. Bit more description was nice, but I found it a bit odd the amount she was talking to herself when she found the car. The odd comment would work, but too much just felt strange. Few awkward sentences, and watch out for ‘then’ – most of the time, if not all, it’s really not needed, and doesn’t add anything to the sentence it’s in. Watch out for using ‘she’ too much, especially at the start of sentences. Trying playing around with them a little more to get different sentence structures. [Leander, like her, was able to find more cars because he too could cover more ground than Zephyr or Jadzia.] too much telling, rather than showing. Don’t explain everything to the reader; just show them what’s happening and leave it up to us to read between the lines and really see what’s going on. As always, hope this helps and good luck.
| Dreamers-Requiem 3/30/13 . chapter 4
Chapter is just too dialogue heavy. It's a bit hard at places to keep track of what's going on, who's talking, and I'm still finding it difficult to remember who is who. That's something to work on, I think, in the earlier chapters; I may have mentioned it before but I think you need to be a bit slower in introducing the characters and their relationships. With all the dialogue here, there's a lot for the reader to take in, and a lot of it feels very much telling rather than showing. I think slowing down the pace, maybe spending more time on emotions, reactions, descriptions etc. and even splitting this chapter would really help. Like I said, it's a lot for a reader to take in. I find it odd how Jadzia and Alyncai are suddenly like best friends; it's a very, very fast development, and one I think would work better if you spend more time developing it. Just a few suggestions; hope it helps!
I do really like the idea, and it's clear you've put a lot of thought into this world and the situation these characters have found themselves in. I just think that spending more time with descriptions and things would strengthen it a lot. Good luck.
| Dreamers-Requiem 6/21/12 . chapter 3
You may want to look over the formatting for this chapter - the last bit is all in italics. For the most part, I'm a little confused about the reasons they're annoyed at them trying to build a vampire army. I mean, I could understand the anger if it was because the army would be strong, etc, but I think there hasn't be a strong demostration of the vampire's weaknesses up until this point, or why the two would see it as a bad life for anyone else. What I mean is, the usual drawbacks don't seem to apply for them (like vampires living off human blood). The only thing I've seen that would give them this kind of cause for concern is being experimented on, and the vampire soldiers wouldn't have that. I think you just need to spend some time through this and previous chapters developing the kind of weaknesses vampries have, so the information in this chapter has more of an impact.
Another thing is that you tend to use their names a lot, starting sentences and such. It can be quite daunting to read their names constantly, without much else to identify them. Even small things like "the ex-hunter", "their leader", "the vampire" would make it a bit easier to read, as well as giving stronger aspects of their characters across to the reader.
| Dreamers-Requiem 5/17/12 . chapter 2
I feel like this is just too dialgoue heavy. In some parts, it distracts from the action - I would suggest balencing it out more with action and description, slowing down the pace in parts and including more of the characters emotions. I also feel that they were all introduced a bit too quickly in the last chapter; it's hard to keep track of who's who. And considering how much conflict was built up between Alyncai and Jadzia in the last chapter, Jadzia seems to change her mind awfully quickly.
Watch out for setence structures getting too repetitive - in many cases, it was (She did this. She did that. Name did this...) Simply changing the words around in some cases would really help, such as [Jadzia looked up, greeted Leander, ] could be changed to (Looking up, Jadzia greeted Leander,) etc.
Dialogue should always have puncuation at the end; a question mark, full stop, exclamation mark or comma if it's followed by a speech tag.
You might want to consider shortening the chapter a bit, too, especially if you do add in more around the dialogue. At the moment, there's a lot going on for one chapter, maybe seperate it a bit more.
Just a few suggestions - hope they help!
| Dreamers-Requiem 2/18/12 . chapter 1
I think you have an interesting concept here, although a lot of the time it felt like you were trying to cram too much information in for the reader. The first part wasn't as gripping as it could have been; perhaps consider starting it when there's action, like perhaps when they first rescue Alyncai? If you have it chronologically, it will help the reader get to know the characters through showing, rather than telling - dedicating the first few paragraphs to explaining the group and their relationships doesn't really work, and, yeah, feels more telling than showing. Like I said, it is an interesting concept and the ideas and characters will keep me reading, but just consider slowing it down a bit and allowing the reader to get to know the characters rather than, again, cramming in all that information.
| DutchAver 1/30/12 . chapter 3
I like how Jadzia cheered up Alyncai simply by hugging her and making her come to her senses - I'm glad that the other vampires of the pack didn't get angry at her. After all, she did say that being their race only has downsides.
I don't really understand why you suddenly switch to italics in the final part of the chapter, because it isn't a flashback as far as I can tell.
I love how the pack really seems to be a pack made of humans and vampires - they're close, aren't they? And they have no problems letting in new people. There's also a great deal of action in this story, which is good, but I should add that a bit more backstory would be awesome.
Hope this review was helpful!
(Can you please review I Never for me in return? Thanks in advance)
| DutchAver 1/22/12 . chapter 2
I do wonder what the vampires are fighting against. The government? Or something worse? I think you could've specified that a bit more. The whole chapter was very action-like, but to tell the truth... I wasn't on the edge of my seat, because it wasn't clear to me what they were fighting for. I'd like to see a reason.
Alyncai and Zephyr are probably the ones with unresolved sexual tension... am I right? Are they going to end up together? :)
I've discovered a few mistakes:
'So, when are heading out?' You mean 'So, when are WE heading out?' don't you?
'This place is guarded pretty nasty' The place isn't nasty, it's the guarding that is nasty. Therefore, this should be an adverb - nastily.
'What do mean' What do YOU mean
See you next time!
(Can you please review the second chapter of I Never in return? Thanks a lot!)
| Mistval 1/16/12 . chapter 1
Well first off, your description really interested me. Vampires... in the future? Cool, and not something I see very often, and I like unique stuff. Plus I've always just been a fan of futuristic dystopias.
It looks like the main plot dynamic being set up here is the tension between Jadzia and Alyncai, which looks like it might be beginning to erode. I wonder what part both of them will play in the rest of the story.
In later chapters I'm looking forward to finding more about the world they live in and how they are going to fight the system :) In this chapter, I liked the suspense as they were traveling through the warehouse, but I wonder why you didn't tell us what they were looking for in there.
One thing I'd recommend: in the first paragraph, "Jadzia" could be replaced in many places with a personal pronoun such as "she".
And a few typos to point out:
"All three of the other group members did know how Alyncai came to be [in] the group however"
"he[r] eyes were a strange pale silver color"
"and watched as the final explosives detonat[ed]"
| DutchAver 1/15/12 . chapter 1
Whoa. In the first two paragraphs, you already introduce a plethora of characters and it takes me a while to understand it all. You're moving a bit... fast ;) I suggest fleshing it out a little.
In retrospect, I suggest fleshing out most of the first chapter. You write really, really fast and I would've appreciated to see a bit more description. You have a sci-fi environment that intrigues me, why not expanding on that subject? What stuff and machinery do they have in the future that we don't? Is this future better or worse?
It's obvious you try to write suspense, and that's good, but bear in mind that the best suspense has a description or two too. It's important to know what environment your characters live in. I might be on the edge of my seat, but it gets more exciting if you give me a bit more time to settle in the information, so that I can understand it better, so that I'm even more excited.
I hope this review was helpful, and I'm curious for your next chapter. I might review it in a few weeks ;)
(Could you please review I Never for me in return? Thanks in advance)
| PrettyWordFreak 1/11/12 . chapter 3
This was good. I liked it very much and can't wait for more! :3 I seen a few grammar errors here and there and puncuation errors, but over all it was great and I can't wait for more.
| Amiri 4/3/11 . chapter 1
Ah, for some reason this site didn't tell me that you posted another story. (Neither did you, but that's a whole nother deal entirely.)