I enjoyed it. Your description is very good, and the premise sounds interesting... also, I don't know what the previous reviewer was talking about... the whole spacing thing is automatically done by Fictionpress... again, good so far, I'm interested to see where it goes.

Your writing style and grammar are pretty good. However, the non-existense of paragraphs bothers me. You do realize you don't have to click enter after every sentence? Only lines of dialogue automatically start a new paragraph.

Another thing to work on is description. Yours is pretty good, but there is too little of it, especially for a first chapter that is supposed to introduce your readers to the characters and the setting. So far you're relying too much on the dialogue.

Those points aside, I think you have potential for a good author if you work to fix your mistakes. Keep going.