|Reviews for The Cage|
| Kristin Teabag 5/14/11 . chapter 1
["No."] I like the hook. This is just kind of random and stupid, but wouldn't the "No." be more like a "No!" or a "...no..."
[ I didn't react, I didn't act, I just sat thinking about what she said, what she was doing, and the life she now had that was leaps and bounds better than mine.] Not sure if you did this intentionally but I think it's suppose to be "I didn't react. I didn't act. I just sat..."
Overall, I think it's an interesting story. You captured the character's melodrama quite well.
I have mixed feelings about the pacing though. Although I like how your story moved fast, personally I would have liked to see a little bit more details like [I did a little research on the place we were going to, apparently Ryan was too cheap to buy plane tickets so we hitched a ride with a trucker going that same way.] about the characters. What is Ryan like? What is the main character like? Since your characters only have one chance to make a first impression, it ought to be strong. Either way, Ryan still captures my attention.
| StoryMonster 4/11/11 . chapter 1
' was in dumb love, like a puppy thrown into the water the whole thing had been sink or swim. ' That didn't make any sense.
'The next few days were terrible, orphanage drama, tearful goodbyes, and the big kick in the pants; she said no'
Maybe it should be 'pants - she said no'
'I didn't react, I didn't act'
That's a kinda weird expression.
'The wind caressed my face, the same way I caressed her's in my dreams'
Loved that one. :)
'I shook my head, I was getting off task again.'
I shook my head - I was getting off task again. Not the comma, but a hyphen.
Eighth grade, not eight.
I loved the ending - it was so casual and yet interesting. You would make a very good columnist! Great job.
| dragonflydreamer 4/9/11 . chapter 1
Thanks for participating in the Review Marathon! Here's your prize review:
I like the way you start with the phrase "she pulled the trigger." I thought you meant a literal trigger, which was an exciting way to start something that turned out to be a breakup.
[like a puppy thrown into the water the whole thing had been sink or swim.] I think there should be a semicolon after "water." It's a run-on as it is now.
[I didn't react, I didn't act,] Nice parallel structure. Just a cool phrase.
[ the same way I caressed her's in my dreams.] her's hers
["Left, I think this is the one you do for the time." Ryan's face lit up and I could see he had a little inner snarl.] I didn't get this line at all. Who's talking, first off? I didn't understand what they were saying, and the reaction (lit up and inner snarl) seemed to contradict itself.
This is an interesting start. There are a lot of important things you breeze over, which might become a problem as the plot progresses, but looking at this alone, I love how you have everything so focused on this one breakup. They were together in, what, seventh grade? And yet he's so fixated on her. There's obviously some interesting mentality going on here, and I can't wait to see where that goes!
Writing was good. It was descriptive and there were a lot of good phrases. I liked your use of semicolons throughout to bring it back to "her." I'd watch you comma usage, though, because you had a lot of run-on sentences with them.
Good start. Hope you decide to continue!