|Reviews for Fate Sangokushi|
| Dreamers-Requiem 1/17/12 . chapter 4
I'm not really getting a full sense of the plot, but that's no big deal here as it's an interlude (mainly, I'm guessing you're keeping the plot away from the interlude chapters?) Again, some of it went over my head and I still feel the jumps between characters are too quick. Anyway, like I said before, just some awkwardly worded sentences; [Long Island Tea in a single go, which at this point was at least half full.] feels too long; could change it to (half full Long Island Tea in a single go.) [so bloody desperate to get laid for the first time,] should have a question mark instead of a comma, with the next part being a seperate sentence. Will help make it shorter, too. [Kenpachi has never given] Has could be had; often better to stick to past tense. [terrorist boss within this time gap.] Could drop the 'within this time gap'. [an ass out of yourself here.] Drop the 'out'. ["No I'm not a gay.] 'A gay' sounds odd, maybe just 'gay'? Just a few of those throughout you might want to remain aware of. Good luck with the next chapter.
| King of Kings 12/30/11 . chapter 4
Hey! Long time, no write. I swear I meant to do this, like, a month ago. *sigh*
Anyway, I didn't review the other chaps because I didn't have anything new to say, lol. I still don't have much, truth be told. The shorter chapters do make it much easier to enjoy. I'm still having a hard time following the story and keeping track of the characters, but that might get better as it goes on. Political stuff isn't my thing, as I've said. :/
I like Kenpachi/Zhang Fei. XD The scenes with him and Haruya made me giggle. Especially the final one, lol.
I was confused about this 'cycle' thing at first, but I think I'm starting to understand. I take it this is a vital part of the story?
'I thinking I might...' - should be 'I'm thinking...' or 'I think...' :)
Not much else to comment on here. Hope to see more soon!
| seredemia 12/21/11 . chapter 2
I'm pretty sure my review is months late... But here it is!
I'm kind of... confused. More so with the first part with Kaede and his dad. From Kaede's dialogue, I can tell he's really smart and confident with his plans and thoughts, and he obviously doesn't like his dad (no duh, francine...), but that's all I managed to pick up on. My simple brain could not understand what the rest he was talking about... Sadly, that was the same for Xiaoyu and Kaede's conversation about China. Politics was never my greatest understandings...
I liked the part in the hospital though! Whilst it was short, it was still touching, and it's nice to see some calm and soft moments peeping in the story.
As for the other scenes, nice introductions for the new characters. It adds more action and plot to the story, so thats good! :) Just be careful that you flesh out each character so that their stories still are relevant to the overall story, instead of just being forgotten. :) Aside from that, great chapter as always!
| Dreamers-Requiem 12/17/11 . chapter 3
Okay so, I'm still finding some of this confusing. I may have said this before, but I think you need slightly longer introducing characters, especially in the earlier stages, before you begin to jump around with different situations. I have to admit (maybe again) that a lot of this just goes right over my head, but that's more on me than on you. Some of the wording was a little off, but nothing major. Just things like [so many fanlove] which might read better as (so much fanlove). [commented a young boy around the age of thirteen] could cut down to (commented a thirteen-year-old boy). [slap in his face] could be (slap to his face). [girl in Japan itself] I'd suggest cutting out the (itself) and making it just a little shorter. [but I'm still a Japanese!"] "a Japanese" sounds odd...maybe just (I'm still Japanese!) Just small things like that could make it flow a bit better :)
| Tomoyuki Tanaka 11/28/11 . chapter 4
Dynasty Warriors? I doubt it.
Well, as for the review of the story itself, adding the who is the Cycle of who does wonders for abating confusion. At elast I don't get as confused wondering who is the Japanese Cycle of who.
There doesn't seem to be much action or plot yet, so I can't exactly comment on the plot. It just seems a lot of dialogue and talking, but not realyl much progress. Then again this is supposed to be an interlude or sub-chapter, so there's no story?
At least we've gotten an awesome backstory of Kaede and his dead mother, as well as his Dad's motives and thoughts. Xiaoyu as well. That's pretty cool.
As for the rest, it doesn't seem much, except for Kaede getting beaten up over...nothing? Oh well, I still don't get the last two lines Kenpachi said to him.
That should be about it, I suppose. Looking forward to your next chapter and update.
| Dr. Self Destruct 11/27/11 . chapter 3
Those blog posts in the very beginning of the chapter were pretty funny. I can definitely see people saying that to their idols of worship, haha. Also, the mention of trolling was pretty cool - I play a lot of online games, so I'm sure you can imagine how much I have to deal with trolls. There's just an art of trolling them back - glad you express it in here. I think it's high time normal society learns what being a troll truly means.
That mention of the tentacle porn was hilarious. I always joke about that kind of stuff with my friends. Found myself really enjoying this chapter more than the previous ones - I think it's because I could relate a lot more to the narrator and have first-hand experience with what they're talking about. You also do a good job in painting the scene more.
I notice how during the narrative you'll insert some more animeish images (if that term makes any sense), like when you mention a vein popping out of someone's head. I can just imagine the sweat drop over their head, haha. I think it gives this a unique feel as opposed to many other stories, and it also helps with the tone of the story. Keeps everything very light-hearted for the most part, but there are still those more serious bits, of course.
| M.R. Hill 11/27/11 . chapter 3
- Meant to do this last night, but an impromptu night with girlfriend wins out above all else D
- Re-reading Chapter 2, I first must say I love the quick spots way of handling introducing each part. I also must say you really capture feel of this being more Chinese instead. Also do love way you create quick images of the characters. I'll admit I'm still getting used to all the names and such, but I'm sure that'll come along better with time. It's not like it's first time I've dealt with such names.
- Kaede first of all. His rebellious vibe makes me curious as to just what she's going to bring about. He also has some clear issues, though that's all what helps to make him interesting. Xiaoyu herself really seemed to be a good use to add to Kaede to me.
- ZHANG FEI YIDE IS AWESOME FOR YELLING ALONE! I WANT TO SEE MORE OF HIM! GIVE A CHAPTER! :D
- Ace Attorney? Could he win against...PHOENIX WRIGHT? I'm just curious to ask if the Phoenix Wright series is what influenced that part there since, if so, I have even more love for this and you. :)
- I'm all over in characters I love in this XD I'm not sure who to lean to most of all. The entire troll battle was sheer LOLs from it all and I had to re-read over that just because it was so good. XD
| Umekogal 11/26/11 . chapter 4
I guess as stated in the chapter header, this is an interlude piece. So far the only action that dominates is the characters trying to get on each others' nerves and possibly that of any neighbours. This is really not my cup of tea as it is going into the Games section. So no further comments for now.
| Aspiemor 11/24/11 . chapter 4
You know I kind of like the sexual lusting of certain characters in this. I guess as men we all have that certain carnal desire. Okay I am not sure if I am making sense at all. As for the rest it was pretty good. For some reason I am picturing this as a fantasy story mostly because that is what I am used to from you. What really shows is characterization which is something you are good at and something I should take a note from.
The modern setting is still something I am getting used to as this really feels like a fantasy story to me like I said but you've added some mythological backdrops. I admit I am still a tad confused with the transitions between past and present but I would probably have to reread some parts to gain a better understanding.
But from what I can tell you are still doing a good job
| Tomoyuki Tanaka 11/20/11 . chapter 3
I think this chapter is much better than the last one, though I'm wondering why Miyagi is so popular with the girls. Huh. It seems kind of weird given that he's a prosecutor.
It seems much easier to read now that this chapter is focused only on Miyagi. There are still quite a lot of mindbending names, but it's much easier when you only have one central character to focus on. YAY!
Unfortunately, is there a need to give them all Chinese names? I didn't know Jin was Deng Zhi until you told me that. Maybe you can reveal that he is the reincarnation of Deng Zhi later? Right now it's kind of confusing when we're introduced to a new character and WHAM! We're told (or actually not told) that they have a Chinese name.
Other than that it's quite fun to read. I guess. It's still pretty political based (I'm not talking about agenda or anything, just the content) and not much action. In other words, it's still a lot of dialogue and the plot seems to be...still. Maybe it will move the next chapter. I'll wait and see!
| Vernelley 11/18/11 . chapter 3
I just went and re-read from the start, just to put things back into context.
I think the characterisation improved quite a lot, because I could distinguish quite well between each character in each sub-chapter; as opposed to the first time, I had no idea who was who or who was saying what... But it's kind of clearer now.
The trolling war is kind of confusing though, since there are so many names being thrown around and I'm not really sure who's supposed to be who.
As for the Church of Utah part, I think the distinction is a lot clearer than it was before, at least to me; I'm still not really sure how it would appear to a third party so there's not a lot I can say on that side of things.
There are some things throughout that could use a bit more detailing though. Like sometimes you describe facial expressions in a way that isn't really clear. Or like if Kaede has a somewhat dorky haircut, you could describe exactly what makes it dorky. Stuff like that.
But overall, yeah, I think there is definitely some improvement :)
| Umekogal 10/27/11 . chapter 3
Loved the part about the 'frigid wind wove an aria of sorrow...' That paragraph was very poetic.
| Umekogal 10/10/11 . chapter 2
I see you are rewriting your fic to polish it up a bit. I have officially junked almost all of my fantasy fics after realising that there is no possible way for me to continue, and ventured into horror stories instead for now.
I liked the flashback bit set in the hospital. Quite poetic, especially the withered tree bit. The idea of cyber terrorists is very up-to-date given our current times, as well as the politics involved. Though being a bit of a political idiot, when a story goes heavy on the politic discussions is when I bug out. I get enough of that in real life.
| Dr. Self Destruct 10/5/11 . chapter 2
I like how Kaede flips his father the bird. It says a lot about his personality, like how he doesn't want to listen to anyone or any authority. The way he just abruptly leaves the room makes me think him and his father don't have a very good relationship with each other, and that he lacks respect for him. I find myself wondering why that could be.
Oh man, so Kaede is sleeping with his maid? That's both funny and fucked up, haha. I like how dirty of a mouth he has - I think his colorful language really helps build his character. That whole conversation about how history reflects present human society very well is indeed true. Especially how history always has a habit of repeating itself, and no matter how many times it happens, humanity will always repeat their same mistakes.
Ah, the idea of cyber terrorists is always very interesting. I work with computers a lot, so I know how annoying those people can be. xD
I like the insight into Kaede's character that we get with this chapter. The only suggestion I can really make is that I noticed this is very dialogue heavy (after reading your A/N's I see you're already aware of this so I won't elaborate too much). Things can sometimes be hard to picture in my mind; normally it's not the best practice to rely solely on speaker tags to give description to the setting because modern, average readers have a bad habit of skipping over speaker tags. Your dialogue is very spot-on though, and you have some very interesting (as well as humorous) characters. :)
I didn't notice any spelling/grammar errors that really stuck out to me, so thanks for the smooth reading.
| M.R. Hill 9/26/11 . chapter 2
- I've sadly no clue what was going on in this chapter and it bugs me more so because I want to. I love the more political focused stories and so forth, so it annoys me that I wasn't able to get much into this one. Though there were two issues I found that stopped me from being able to: Pacing and amount of things going on.
- The pacing for this chapter was way too cluttered and jumpy. While I'm perfectly fine with one using tons of characters or switching focuses, it needs to be done gradually. You do need a focal character to allow us to progressively deepen ourselves into this world. Someone to serve as a bit of our Arthur Dent, so to speak. With this, everything is just being thrown at us right away and it's just too much too soon. Especially since you don't stick with a scene far way too long. If you slow this down, spotlight on person and have things gradually reveal out through their eyes or more develop 1 scene out instead, this could probably strengthen far more.
- I'd probably cut back on amount of characters introduced here. The main thing I grabbed from this is that majority of them are cynical people some kind of commentary on things. They felt less like characters to me and more just cynics who all give quick messages. I'd probably suggest bringing plenty of them together into a lot few or use some cast herding on few to make it easier to follow. It was just too much information, too many characters, and way too fast a pace to truly follow what's going on.