Again, I feel like a lot of this is too much telling and not enough showing. Nora at times doesn’t feel like a photographer; I’d think someone who takes pictures for a living would have a lot more attention to detail, and adding in something to her personality would make her come alive more to the reader. A lot of the descriptions are a bit vague, so maybe you could expand on them to give her more of a vibe.
[everyone wasn't always all smiles for engagement photo shoots, and most times it required a good amount of effort on both the photographer's part as well as the couple's to create that romantic atmosphere.] Why not? This might just be a personal thing, but I don’t get why a couple wouldn’t be happy with their engagement photos. Maybe you could expand on that a little?
Some of this felt a little rushed, and there doesn’t really feel like there’s any chemistry between Liam and Nora. I feel like there should be a bit more build up before he starts spilling his guts to her. I also feel like you’ve crammed a lot of his backstory in. Why is he suddenly telling Nora all of this? It makes him come across as a bit…weak. Especially in terms of Brooke. Makes him almost unlikable. I think you could spread it out a bit more, hint towards his feelings rather than have him state them so explicitly. And be careful with POV; you switch between Liam and Nora in points and it makes more sense to stick to Nora. As always, hope this helps.

love it.. onward to see, what will happen next..

This is such a great story so far! It has a great hook and I am already interested! Nora seems like a great, realistic character and easy to relate to! I can't wait to read the next chapter! I hope you post more soon! This plot seems very unique and fun!

3

s/3037894/1/The-Ballad-of-Mona-Lisa

I feel like a lot of this falls into telling; you explain a lot, leaving nothing for the reader to guess at, and it means that at times, the characters can come across as a little 2D. There doesn't feel like there's that much to them. The shift in perspective was a bit disorientating, especially as you've had so much time dedicated to the main character. It's a bit odd to suddenly switch. Chapter was a bit jumpy - the best thing I can suggest is to lengthen the scenes a bit, show more of the characters - show thier reactions and emotions rather than just telling it so explicitly - and it would really lift things up, in a way. Hope that helps!

Where did you get the idea to write about a blind character, and did you do any research to make sure you adequately captured the mannerisms and abilities of a blind person? Interesting story so far.

There should always be some sort of plot or character development; nothing should ever be just a 'filler' chapter. This chapter...I felt like it showed little of Nora's character, to be honest. I do think you're telling too much, too, rather than showing. Instead of stating [Out of her whole family, Nora's dad probably knew her the best, and there was no way that he had missed the sudden burst of anger, which was very atypical of the normally even-keeled Nora.] you need to show how Nora doesn't have bursts of anger, and show how her father knows her the best through their interactions. I would suggest, too, trying to use names less, but I think I've mentioned that before.

Grammatically, watch out for things like ["Not much, "Nora replied, "Do you guys need any help in here?"] where there should be a full stop after 'replied'. I'd also suggest making sure there is at least some sort of small hook to keep the reader reading. Introduce some questions in early chapters - right now, it's hard to find what sort of direction the plot might be heading in, and some readers might switch off.

Just a few things I noticed - hope it helps!

I like it. I really like LONG STORIES

I can't help but feel a little put off by Nora's work ethic. She's lacking in work, but instead of doing anything about it she sleeps in late and lounges around all day? The one piece of advice that crops up for freelancers and stuff time and time again is that you should have self-motivation; as in, get up early and work hard throughout the day. Nora's attitude is just...I dunno, she could be out promoting herself or something? May have mentioned it before, but try to use names less. Especially when most of the chapter focuses on one character; "Nora did this, Nora did that," etc can get a little repetitive.
Just one technical thing I noticed a few times; with ["Afternoon Mr. Simmons"], there should be a comma before the name. Always have a comma in dialogue before someone is addressed.
Hope that helps!

Most of this felt a little bit filler; not much really happens, and although we get to know a bit more about Tristan and Nora, I didn't really feel there was much to move the plot forward. May have said it before, but maybe try changing sentence structures so they don't mostly start with someone's name. Similar when there's dialogue; you don't need to say 'Tristan' or 'Nora' everytime one of them speaks, especially as it's dialogue between a male and female. In some cases, 'she' or 'he' would work better so it's not so repetitive.

["I was drunk not unconscious. Of course I remember."] But she couldn't remember the guy hitting on her? Considering she didn't come across as that drunk when he hit on her, compared to being driven home, it's quite surprising.

[She had a kind of sixth sense with them. Somehow seemed very easy to tell which couples would stay together long, and which ones wouldn't.] This makes me wonder, how much interaction does she have with the couples after the wedding and photos are done? Because, if she doesn't know what happens to them after, then she wouldn't have a basis for thinking this judgement is right...It might just be me, but maybe you can just include something about her noticing that the couples she didn't think would stay together tended to get dirvoved quicker or something, that she's actually seen the relationship end? Otherwise it just seems like an assumption.

Just a few things I noticed - hope that helps!

I can't help but feel that Nora's announcement at the end was a bit sudden. Some build up to that, an indication before this point, may be a bit better. Maybe have her flicking through her portfolio of work or something, thinking about how happy the bride and groom look? ["Sorry Nick," she said, looking irritated, "I don't kiss people I've just met."] But she'll happily grind against them on the dance floor? I dunno, I get that dancing is just a bit of fun but personally, I'd say that grinding is kind of a lead-on. [Nora placed a hand on his arm, reminding him that she was still here.] He's speaking to someone else for all of two seconds and she feels the need to remind him she's still there? Seems a bit...I dunno, dependent to me. I just didn't feel he was ignroing her or anything, just catching up with someone he hadn't seen for a while

[Tristan, who was already dancing with the girl they'd just met,] didn't Tristan know the girl already?

Also, because you've established that Tristan and Dana have met before, and do know each other, it seems a bit odd later that Dana forgets he's blind.

I did like drunk Nora; I think you did the characterisation well there. Just watch out for small plot-related things that might jar the reader a little.

Hope that helps!

Hmm, I can't help but find Tristan a little annoying here. He comes across as a little shallow, and personally, I can't stand it when people think you're not happy unless you have someone. But that's just my personal reactions to his character :P Th writing itself is, for the most part, fairly smooth; there are just some instances where the sentences could be a little bit more polished. For example, [She glanced over at Tristan who was swinging back and forth with a grin plastered on his face.] Really small thing but you could cut out the 'who was' and replace it with a comma. [Tristan had ended up coming over to her house around two in the afternoon,] Could shorten it to something like (He'd come over around two,) I do feel you could use the names less, too, especially when it's focusing on the two of them. A lot of the time the names could be reaplced with "he", "she", or something descriptive; "the photographer", "the woman", "the man", etc, just to add in a little variation.

[when you start your own business you have to build up from scratch.] Hmm, if she was that good in the old business, it would more realistic that some would simply follow her or, failing that, would spread her skills via word-of-mouth. Just an idea.

["Always the modest one I see,"] Doesn't sound quite right to me, maybe ("Modest as always,") instead or something? [It's always interesting to see how my date orders, because it's just easier to let them, plus it does tell me something about them.] Dialogue here sounds a bit too much for the reader; if she's heard him talk about dates before, wouldn't she know that? You could cut it out, perhaps, and just have him commenting on what she ordered; the reader could infer the information through that easily enough. [but for him it was physical chemistry. How else would you get your foot in the door?] This is what made me think of him as just a little shallow; how about personality? What they're like? Surely that stuff would be more important to him?

Before that, I noticed ["And you've only gone out once," Nora made clear that she didn't approve.] Just a small grammatical thing but you don't need the comma at the end of the dialogue; it only needs to be a comma when it's followed by a speech tag.

Just a few things I noticed you may want to watch out for, and suggestions for if/when you come to edit this. Hope they help!

For the RG's Multi-Chap Depth.

Technique: The sort of flashback thing you used in this chapter was nice. It really did a good job of showcasing the way Liam and Brooke's relationship ebbs and flows. It definitely makes me pause and think about this whole set up, now.

Pace: Compared to the last chapter, this chapter was of perfect pace. There wasn't so much going on in it that I felt like certain elements weren't being explored.

Characters: Now that there's finally been a chapter focused solely on Liam, it's actually very intriguing to see his reactions to this whole wedding fiasco. And I'm surprised. Liam is so apathetic! It's amazing and I wonder if maybe this wasn't some sort of arranged thing. He just seems miserable the closer the day draws to his marriage. You'd think that if Brooke was just annoying him, he'd say something to her, but I wonder if something else is going on. Liam is definitely turning out to be the dark and brooding type. He seems like he has a lot more to him than meets the eye.

Spelling/Grammar:

["Liamm?"] Was the extra m intentional?

[Hey man, it's been a while,"] Missing quotation mark.

Enjoyment: It's been a nice read so far. I think the plot is moving a bit slow, but I'm more of an explosions and action type of girl so while I did enjoy the chapters that I read, I won't say that this is my kind of story. You did supply lots of intrigue and I think that's what made it worthwhile.

Good luck with your writing! :)

Velvet.

For the RG's Multi-Chap Depth.

Pace: This chapter went by way too fast. Seriously, I feel like she walked in to greet her family and then left. This chapter would have been perfect for capitalizing on character development and character relations, but it all went by so fast. I think this chapter deserves a revision.

It really did just feel like an excuse to showcase how Nora is constantly pestered by her mother about how she is single and I think it could be so much more than that.

Relationships: From what I could glean out of this chapter, I really felt like the relationship between Nora and her dad was the better planned out one. He really does come across as her support system, whereas Nora and Anya butt heads more. Actually, he dad seemed to be the only one really concerned with the struggles of her life. I really wish I could have seen more of this, but it felt like a believable father-daughter relationship.

Spelling/Grammar:

["I'll give you him your number later today,"] Two things wrong here. "Give you him your" doesn't read right. "You" should be taken out of there. Also, the comma at the end should be a period.

["It's just its not like I don't] "its" should be "it's" and I think the sentence would read better if there was a comma after "just".

Characters: I'm a little surprised by Anya's character. She's well meaning, of course, but I'm surprised she takes her daughter's temper so well. When Nora made a retort, Anya didn't even say anything. Nora's dad was the one who had speak up! I was a little disappointed with Anya because of this. She had such potential to reveal her personality, but it was lost in this chapter. Obviously Nora doesn't like Anya for bringing up love troubles all the time, but what else does Anya do to provoke such feelings?

Velvet.

For the RG's Multi-Chap Depth.

Dialogue: I really liked the dialogue in this chapter. At first I wanted to try and pick out any romantic sublimation in it, but then I realized just how natural the conversation was between Nora and Liam. Good job on that.

Spelling/Grammar: Just a few things I'd like to point out.

[You came here to see the venue and here I am giving you a class"] Missing a period at the end there.

["So I scoped out the place and figured out where I'd need to put my equipment so I think I'm about finished."] I know this is dialogue, but, "so" is used twice, and it just reads awkwardly because of that.

["And I take it that's not your style?" He asked.] "He" should be "he".

[best angle of the altar and enough space for a tripod,] Should be a period instead of a comma at the end.

["Here's the advance, sorry for not getting it to you earlier" he apologized.] Need a comma after "earlier".

Characters: I like Nora's character right now because she doesn't seem oto interested in Mr. Simmons romantically, so it gives her a chance to explore what makes him so mysterious. This gives me a good idea of her character without having to fan away the fog of sexual tension. She's proved to be very interesting, and better still, very work oriented. She's not one to be side-tracked from what she does for a living.

Technique: The foreshadowing right now is very interesting and it adds that air of mystery to the story. I definitely wonder what's going on with Mr. Simmons and I think you've revealed just enough of his character to make the reader want to know more about him.

Velvet.

For the RG's Multi-Chap Depth.

Opening: Okay, I'm guilty of doing this in my own work, but I think when you open on a character, it's important to at least stick with that character throughout the story. I say this because at one point you did lead off into what Tristan was thinking and I personally did not feel that what he thought was particularly relevant to the story.

Scene: On the note of Tristan, there was the part where it kind of narrates about how his phone is not in Braille. I really did not feel that mentioning his phone not being in Braille was necessary. It does emphasize that he's blind, but I think having Skip in there as a seeing-eye dog was enough to let the reader in on that bit of information.

Relationship: I enjoyed the dynamic between Nora and Tristan. They get along well and they come across as very good friends. I felt like there was a long standing working relationship there, too, and it makes me wonder how the two met.

Writing: I definitely think you have good writing style. There are some things you could work on, like using "said" more as a dialogue tag. This would be helpful because it would give you a chance to try and emphasize more feeling through actions rather than what the character is saying.

Also, when Mr. Simmons was mentioned in the latter half of the chapter, you used "the man" to describe him. Seeing as he has a name, I think it would be better to use that to describe him.

There was definitely more dialogue and telling in this chapter than anything else, which isn't so bad, but the overall backdrop felt kind of muted. I didn't feel like the writing conveyed any of the environment at all.

Velvet.