Ray Bradbury said “Your intuition knows what to write, so get out of the way.” You don't have to change what you write. Often, the raw emotions displayed in works like this can only be shown when you don't edit what you write. Leave it. It doesn't need any improvement. Personally, I like it just the way it is.
And, by the way- when I read the title, I thought of that song, even before I saw it was your inspiration. Seeing you mention it makes me think there is some hope for me after all. I guess it really is a small world.

Very beautiful.. (:

Keep writing

out-of-the-way

really pretty prose :) love the imagery!