I really didn’t like Cassie towards the end. Even if she is being nice to Julia, I felt like it was pushed too much towards manipulative, with no real feeling. I know you mention in your A/N that she means what she says, but it doesn’t feel like that while reading it. And that’s the important part. Some of the sentences are a bit awkward, and I do think, especially with Cassie’s voice, there’s a lot of telling rather than showing. Things don’t have to be spelled out for the reader.
[Thus, it was only logical to recognize and exploit that characteristic in scheme] Don’t need the ‘thus’ there. It just makes it a bit clunky. [As I had learned from studies, people are naturally more inclined to stay consistent for the sake of inner harmony.] Don’t need the ‘As I had learned’. Sometimes it feels like you’re constantly reminding the reader that Cassie is smart by adding things in like that; it’s not needed Like the character’s words and actions speak for themselves. With something like that sentence, the ‘as I had learned’ part doesn’t really add anything. Cutting it out might help the flow.
[Vincent addressed thought which] feels like there might be a word missing there between addressed and thought. [as I watched her proclaim just what I convinced her into.] Again, I feel like there’s a bit too many reminders here; we know this is part of her plan, don’t need to be told she has been convinced into it by Cass. Again, show rather than tell; just Cassie’s remark there, or her smiling, or something will do a better job at conveying her feelings that reminding the reader, again, of how she has manipulated it.
Similar things throughout, so just watch out for awkward sentences and repeating general ideas to the reader too much. Other than that, I think you’re building up the story nicely, and it’ll be interesting to see what happens next. As always, hope this helps.

Cassidy Sucks!

I like how Cassidy has nightmares about Deus. It shows that even though she's badass and smart, she's still human. It's nice to see her with some weakness, cos I have to admit that I'm not usually fond of characters who are always so witty and badass ALL the time. It's nice that she has a weaker side.

It's nice to see the aftermath of her battle with Deus. I like how it's relatively calm compared to the last chapter, yet it's still pretty tense. Tense, as in seeing how Deus has affected many people. Just goes to show that he is a true antagonist as he has managed to make several people miserable and actually enjoying it at the same time. You gotta love the psychopathic villains. I like how Deus; attitudes strongly contrast Cassidy's. It really makes them oppose each other, which creates even MORE tension in this story.

Ooh, I'm looking forward to the next volume, especially the world building. Looks like you have a lot of plans :)

As for the first chapter again, it's good! It's been a while since I've read the first chapter, so I can't really compare it... But you did a nice job with using the narration that Cassidy would. Definitely highlights the key aspects of her character more. So yeah, good job on the first chapter edit too :)

The fight scene was very good. It was written well, allowing me to perfectly picture every move and emotion easily. And it was very believeable and not over the top.

I like how Madame is slowly becoming docile around Cass, like for instance, she's not screaming and declaring her title name. :D

[It's easier being hated than not seen] THIS. This single sentence alone defines everything about Madame. Not only is it a powerful statment, it's a common human flaw that a lot in the real world have. So I think you were smart for adding that in.

Deus sounds like a serious guy, and perhaps the main antagonist.

Questions:

1) It was a good fight, and I liked how at the very end, Cassidy says that they won instead of she won.

2) The con sounds pretty good to me.

3) A lot was revealed, especially as to why she does the things she does. I'm pretty happy with the route you went with to reveal all this.

4) Gale seems...interesting. It's still to early for me to fully say if I like him or not yet.

This was a quick chapter, but I think it just went by so fast for me was because of the verbal action going own between to the two ladies. It's a good build up for the next chapter, I must say. :) And I like the little thing with Cassidy shattering the cup and Madame going on about how she wont' break so easily.

Questions:

1) It was a good counterattack. She got in and caught Madame by surprise. Therefore, it was a success.

2) Yes! I love her just because she's so funny. XD

3) Like I said earlier, this chapter was a good build up for next chapter. So yes, I am indeed looking forward for it. :)

4) I think it was nice of Cassidy to show mercy as she did, even if Madame was too busy screaming to realize that taking the mercy would probably be best for her. (But I guess her pride is WAY to high.) But even if Cassidy didn't bother to offer mercy, I wouldn't blame her. ;D

[The onlookers and Narcissa were reminiscent of planets to the sun: her exaggerated posturing herded them in. Some even withdrew cellphone cameras.] hahahaha OH MAN, Madame is soooo my favorite character. She's just...just... JUST AWESOME. :D

[She released me, slightly trembling, and withdrew an orange cellphone from her pocket. My eyebrow rose; I knew not who interrupted, but I pined for answers...After a moment of scanning message, she stated, "I…I don't have time for this… Go away."] This. OMG. This. This was just too funny. I just love how all the drama can be destroyed by the ringing of a cell phone. XD And I thought it was so funny when Madame tried to make a break for it after reading the message.

The one million deal/battle is an interesting twist, and I'm curious as to who will win (although based on what i've read so far, it seems like this should be an easy win for Cassidy.)

This was a great chapter for showing the readers how self-centered Madame is, as well as how Cassidy mentally figures out plans to deal with such people and situations.

Questions:

1) I love Narcissa Richmond. LOVE HER.

2) The showdown was intense for a moment, but it went straight to humor, which I really liked.

3) My reaction is that she's pretty smart for tricking Madame to agree to doing such a thing. Basically, she's really good with her words.

4) Cassidy does indeed have an ego, but that's part of her character which makes her more believable/relateable.

5) Based on her reaction, she oviously knows the guy. It seems like something went down between them in the past, therefore causing her not to want to run into him in the present... As to what's going on between them, I can't say for sure just yet.

Hey there! :D I review as I read, so here goes:

I think I already love Madame Richmond. It's just her cocky "I'M BETTER THAN EVERYBODY ELSE" attitude that makes me smile. I can already tell that she's going to be one of those villians that just livens up the setting and makes the story that much more enjoyable for the readers. And by the way, that was a great and funny intro, and I'm already hooked.

[fair complexion unblemished, face breathtaking, and cat shaped jade eyes mesmerizing] hahaha Cassidy seems a bit narcissistic to me, which is a good trait to have to make characters much more believable.

Seriously, you have awesome diction. Like, it blows my mind away. Just by reading this first chapter, I can tell that you're highly intelligent and that this story is def. going to promise a great read. Your characters are well thought out, and they each show their own personality instead of everyone just acting the same way like in other stories.

I also enjoy this plot idea. I've never read something likes this, or seen as well. Theft vs Theft; that alone sparks my interest.

To help with your questions:

1) I like Cassidy. Bascially, I see her as a badass with good speech. :) I can't wait to see her in action. I bet she's like the female version of James Bond.

2) Wynn is a great guy. He seems funny, and his realationship with Cassidy hints at something more than being friends, or at least from my view. Perhaps something will develop between them, and perhaps something may not. It's too early to guess at this point.

3) YES. That was a great opening.

4) Hmm, instead of comparing Cassidy to James Bond, nope, I can't think of anything off the bat right now. If I do, then I'll mention it in a future review.

5) Great story so far. :D

Personally, I think at times it is too easy to follow Cassidy's thoughts; it is, again, a matter of show don't tell. She spells everything out, in a way that doesn't feel natural. For the most part, it does sometimes make the pace drag. Some of the sentences are a bit too long, sometimes too clunky, and there are a number of places where you could cut them down. For example, in the opening paragraph, [While we walked down hallway to room, I noticed multiple security cameras watched us, scanning back and forth the narrow passage.] you could cut out from 'While' to 'room'. [In a direct battle, I,] you don't need the first comma there. [Narcissa's histrionic nature showed once more as she blared,] Again, this is more telling than showing; show her nature, rather than have Cassidy explicitly state it. [Narcissa had talent when it came to collecting treasures those who could afford it would buy and drawing attention to her,] Another thing I noticed a few times was that in some places it looks like there could be words missing. Here, it feels like you could do with a 'for' before those. Maybe even reword the sentence; (Narcissa had talent when it come to collecting treasures, especially for those who could afford to buy them, drawing attention to her..) etc. Try reading some of it out loud; it helps with spotting some sentences your readers may stumble over. Just a few things I spotted near the start; hope it helps!

Don't know if you've seen it but coming back to this after a long break, Deus sounds really like Moriarty in the new Sherlock series. Which is cool as he's a great character. I think you wrote a lot of this first though.
I bet Narcissa will be sick at having to be rescued by The Grandmaster!

Returning the favor from Roadhouse.

First of all, the rhyming review you gave me made my day. Kudos.

Okay, on to business. Your premise is very good and you seem to have taken careful effort into creating an interesting place for all these characters to live in. Your writing is sometimes a little choppy and there were several grammatical mistakes I found peppered throughout your chapter. But for the most part I really liked what you did. Your characters are definitely the main draw to your story, as they're interesting and build up a fair amount of intrigue. Also, Cassidy Cain is an epic name.

I don't know if you ever watch the stuff, but some aspects of your world have a lot in common with Japanese anime. There was some Lupin the Third in there and some Cowboy Bebop along with several other shows I've seen. Again, don't know if those influenced you, but it certainly looked like they did.

Well, keep up the good work.

-B.R. McNair

Aah, such a good chapter! I LOVED THE FIGHT SCENE! Such good description and action, and I really liked how you described Cassidy's difficulty in the fight. I really like how she's finally met her match in Deus. It was nice to see her kicking Narcissa's butt in earlier chapters but these recent chapters are so much more tougher for her, and I love seeing that side to her character. It just goes to show that Cassidy is not perfect and that even though she's clearly very smart, Deus is equally just as smart. I'm not sure about Deus being smartER because he does have his weak points too. Deus tends to be pretty rash in his decisions and he resorts to either violence or crazy decisions when things don't go his way. I have a feeling that Cassidy will exploit that in the future.

And you managed to do the impossible. You managed to make me sympathise Narcissa... Then again, I don't think anyone would want to be in her position at all. Plus, it's a good ending for her. She was annoying throughout the story, but it's nice to see her end being somewhat meaningful and tragic... It's good for her character.

Great chapter! I'll see if I can review more tomorrow! :)

Okay, Deus may be epic... but that it just very mean of him to resort to kidnapping a poor child. It never really sunk into me how messed up he is before, but this chapter definitely did a good job of doing that.

I mean, first, the ice cream. It gives him a childish image to just be eating ice cream whilst dealing with serious events like this, but that's what makes him dangerous. I don't think he's right in the head because he's just so... strange sometimes. (But it's pretty cool how he manages to make eating ice cream look lustful, it's like wtf deus stop giving me the image that you're some recluse sex god omg)

Second, his outburst with the poor child. Obviously, he doesn't care at all for the wellbeing of this little girl. He's just manipulating her love for her dad and that. is. so. mean. It's so messed up that he's just doing this to beat the Grandmaster.

I like how Cassidy shows some weak points here though. She acts so icy and cold most of the time, so it's nice to see that she obviously cares for others. AND I LIKE HOW IT'S WYNN THAT STOPS HER FROM HELPING THE KID. They're such a good team together and I really like to see them work together now.

"…Screw it. NEW GAME, GRANDMASTER: GO FISH!"
- I have no idea why but this quote just amused me to no end. Deus really does have awesome quotes :')

AND WTF DEUS STOP HURTING THE LITTLE KID. YOU WOULD MAKE AN AWFUL DADDY ONE DAY. STOP IT.

wow, nice closer for the second arc. Its nice thar Cass got a sister now, and I hope to see how Sylvia involvement helps or hinder Cass ability. Additional note, great to see a darker version of Cass, to be willing to kill Deus was expected. Overall the arc was good, and i hope to see many more

Personally, I felt that Cass lost her temper very quickly with Vincent. It adds something interesting to her character, as it's a weakness that could really get in the way if she's not careful. But yeah, I did feel it was a little of an over-reaction.
[I gave Wynn message to keep his phone ready for assistance in my next objective.] I felt that that was a lengthy way of saying something that could be said quite simply, and it reads a little awkwardly, too. Maybe change it to something like (I told Wynn to keep his phone ready.) I don't think you need the rest, as it's implied that she would want him to have his phone ready for his assistance anyway. There are a few similar instances, so just watch out for places where you may have overcomplicated things.
[I dully replied back, treating almost all interactions with him as a routine at this point.] Again, I think this could be simplified; (I dully replied. All interactions with him were routine at this point.) or something.
I'm still not a fan of the way you write her grandfather's dialogue; the use of '...' just slows the pace down, and I think it's used too infrequently for it to be part of his character. I wouldn't, however, suggest using it at all. Like I said, it makes the pace drag.
Hope that helps!

Woah, I did not see that coming, Cass actually lost, not only that she abandon Narcissa. I was utterly shock when reading this chapter. At first I was mad you wrote it, but then it really caught my attention, it was truly masterly crafted. I especially love the fight scene, I'm guessing Calamity gonna make Cass at the top of the kill list. A few notes, was the plan deus overlook was that Cass place a tracking chip somewhere on his boat to trace him, it's just a thought but I had to ask.