|Reviews for Grandmaster of Theft|
| Simsted 9/12/11 . chapter 1
This is certaily a type of book that i have never encountered. It looks really interesting and i'll make sure i read further. The only thing i would really like to say is to be careful in your opening chapter about how much you're giving away and how many characters you introduce to the reader. Since you have many more chapters on top of this chapter it wouldn't be sensible for you to edit it to narrow the characters down but at times i found myself getting confused by who was talking and who they were. In the writing tips books that i've read they usually don't recommend revealing the identity of more than 3 characters as it confuses the reader. Just keep that in mind for any other stories. BUT, Other than that i found it to be really interesting and i will surely read on. Good job :)
| cerebral1 9/8/11 . chapter 6
OOO, I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that Gale is Deus; or maybe Wynn. Don't say; let me have my fun here! Good confrontation on top of the train, though I don't know if people can stand that long while it's rocketing down the track. The writing at the beginning flowed much better than previous installments; sounded like real conversation, and I like the chemistry between Gale and Cass, as well as Wynn and Cass. Very natural. I wonder if Gale has any clue the Thief is really Cass? One nitpick: there was a little too much philosophy about murder through Cass's introspection; it can be shown in bits and pieces of her thoughts as the story unfolds. And lastly, by the thief knowing about Gale's mother, does that point to Cass' identity? Lots of questions, which means I'll be reading more tomorrow. Again, another solid installment!
| cerebral1 9/8/11 . chapter 5
Once again, great fight scene! Well described; runs like a movie, which is so great for a reader to visualize. You have a great knack for writing action. Of course, I still can't stand Narcissa and her melodrama; she's over the top, but again, that may be your way of drawing her. I want to see how Gale and Cass interact next chapter. Again, typos could be limited with some extra editing:"...it slashed across her left winced in paid." Most of the time I can ignore typos, we all make them, but that one was tricky to deciper :) But again, am enjoying the adventure!
| cerebral1 9/8/11 . chapter 4
You have a real knack for describing action. I love how you describe Cass climbing out onto the roof of the train. The clatter of the wheels, the wind blowing her hair-good showing of a scene, as opposed to telling. I like Wynn's lack of acting ability, and Cass's reaction to it. The only character I don't like, and think she sounds a bit melodramatic, is Narcissa, but then maybe that's the reaction you want me to have. Also, a bit more proofreading/editing before uploading. You seem to drop a lot of your "the" words in your writing, probably because you're typing fast. On to Chapter 5!
| Deedee Elle 9/7/11 . chapter 7
Doctor Who reference?
I think when you're listing adjectives the colour comes before texture so it should be dark red velvet.
I like the description of her using a chocolate coin to flip when she's on the phone.
This was a great chapter, The interplay between Cass and Deus on the phone felt really natural. I think Deus has delusions of Moriarty and I'm going to spend a lot of time reading trying to work out if Cass knows him in real life. I'm guessing he might because he calls her Miss not Ms which implies knowledge of her marital status though I might be reading too much into it.
I liked the twist of the jewel being fake- I didn't see that coming and the challenge accepted sounds like there will be some good things to come.
| ShortcakeMattie 9/5/11 . chapter 2
Ooooh. The action has finally begun! I did not expect Gale to be working with Narcissa; but he could be working as a double agent too? Maybe? Or should I just wait a few more chapters and find out? :)
Your descriptions are good. You manage to provide just enough detail without it overpowering everything or seeming to vague. I forgot to mention in my last post that I admire your ability to write in first person perspective. I struggle with that approach so I stick with third person. Well done on your part though!
| ShortcakeMattie 9/5/11 . chapter 1
Hey M.R. Hill! Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you.
"Their fallen brethren were represented here. I met only two though: Their grandfather, Gabriel Crawford, and mother, Olivia Crawford." - Nothing wrong with this sentence, I just wanted to point out that I like the names you chose for your characters (I like all their names) but I especially like the name Gabriel because I have a character named Gabriel too! :)
Anyway... you have a good start and I enjoyed the first chapter. I liked reading about what strove Cassidy to become a thief. I like the relationship between Cassidy and Augustus already. I have a feeling they will quickly become my favorite characters.
Here are a few edits:
I have been ever since that day when I could no longer accept the failure of the laws…
Edit: I think you meant "I have been [one] ever since that day..."?
My remaining friend and personal assistant Augustus Wynn settled back away from us against wall, waiting for me to conclude my affairs.
Edit: My remaining friend and personal assistant[,] Augustus Wynn [,] settled back away from us against [the] wall, waiting for me to conclude my affairs.
"While I can't fathom why anyone would want to steal from your Father, it's not my brother's fault so don't yell at him," Rae piped in with just a hint of icy bitterness.
Edit: I don't think "father" should be capitalized since Rae is saying "your father" instead of just "father" since she's claiming that the father belongs to Cassidy. If that makes sense?
For this reason [I] was no surprise to me that she would take my side in this dispute, even if it was against her more submissive nature.
Edit: I think you meant "...it was no surprise..." instead of "...I was no surprise..."?
The murder of Mrs. Olivia was a catalyst to both her children and [I.]
Edit: "I" should be "me".
Hope my review was helpful! Can't wait for more. :)
| coffeehit 9/4/11 . chapter 2
While this isn't really my preferred fiction genre, I'll admit that your story is intriguing and I like the idea of the plot. I've read chapters 1 and 2 so far.
Your story is definitely descriptive, as to provide a good image in the reader's mind, but for me, I felt you may have overdescribed and there wasn't really a good balance between plot, character and description. There were parts here and there that were a bit tedious because you took so long setting up the scene even though not much happened.
It might just be me, but describing what the person is wearing kind of jolts me out of my interest as a reader... but again, that might just be me.
And I don't know if you consider this nitpicking (I certainly do), but when you use a colon, you don't need to capitalise the letter of the word following the colon.
(Seen here in chapter 2:
From toe to head, I attired myself in the following: Ebony designer boots; a scarlet skirt that descended to just below my knees; a matching, buttoned up white blouse; black tie; and black, long sleeve frock coat.
The word ebony should be lowercase, not with a capital letter. This occurs quite a bit in the first chapter and it was kind of annoying for me. And the semicolons are inappropriately used in the description above.) This may all just be a bit of nitpicking, but I thought it would be handy for you to know.
The main thing about the story (in the first two chapters at least) is that I really didn't like the protagonist. It might change later in the story, but to me, she comes across as a bit pretentious (even with her skills and intelligence- all which are noteworthy talents to aspire to, don't get me wrong) and I guess I'm not much of a fan.
Nonetheless, the plot of the story is definitely intriguing and definitely captivating and I will keep reading your story. So good work on that, and ten bucks says I'll be wrong about half the things I've written in this review later in the story.
| Deedee Elle 9/3/11 . chapter 6
Hello, this is going to be a bumper 3 in 1 review as I've looked at the titles and decided I wanted to read until the end of the story arc in one go.
You've got a few typos in the first paragraph- you missed 'my' from remaining clothes and 'matchING' navy waistcoat. I like the description of her preparation as it adds a serenity to description of the plan being carried out is very well written with a good balance of description and dialogue and I like Cass' internal monologues such as this one '"I always have a plan." I just needed to figure out exactly what it was.'
I really laughed at this line 'To say his natural ability for acting was lacking is an insult to atrocious thespians the world over.', probably because I used to do far too much am-dram.
I don't think you need to describe what Narcissa is wearing, it beaks the flow of the action. Their dialogue is good but you maybe overdo Narcissa's stammering a little.
I like the revelation halfway through chapter 5 that Deus is behind things, it ups the ante a lot. The meeting with Gale at the end is a good cliffhanger but the description of his sword slows the pace, maybe you could have her drop the information into things during the fight.
I like Cass' reflection at the start of chapter 6 about wisdom being hidden, it gives the impression she's learning a bit of humility as she is very over-confident at the start.
The dialogue between Gale and Cass is nicely written though you could add a bit of description about how they are speaking, movements and so on earlier than you do as it gets a little back and forth.
I like the introduction of the murder mystery, it adds another dimension to the story which combined with the Deus revelation gives you a lot of places to go with it.
I'm really enjoying this, even though it is set in the present/future it has the air of a good old fashioned romp.
| NVR 9/3/11 . chapter 2
Oh, wow! I really enjoyed reading this chapter. It is interesting, at a perfect pace for the reader to understand what was going on and cleverly written dialogue!
I found the dialogue an absolute highlight in this chapter. It described the scenario of what was going on instead of having a narrator tell us. You showed us instead of telling us which is a hard thing to do for an author. The end was just amazing! It made me really want to continue the story. Gale? Helping Narcissa Richmond? One of the last things I would expect at the end of a chapter and is a great cliffhanger!
The pace of the chapter couldn't have been better. It was easy to understand and I felt like I hadn't really missed out on any of the details. You were writing like the time frame is in real life and while reading the chapter it felt like it was actually happening! This also links into the dialogue which described what was going on and what had happened!
I actually quite like the concept of this story. Now realizing where the story is going, I do believe that Chapter 1 really needs to have more background information. The time between chapter 1 and 2 is three years in which alot has happened, and alot of info that the reader does need to know. I understand that this is the first real battle between her and Narcissa Richmond and so I hope she does win. But I want to know how she got trained (if any), how her parents still don't now what is happening in all the three years. You know, those type of details.
Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter because of the interesting idea and smart dialogue. I hope this continues throughout the story! :)
| NVR 9/3/11 . chapter 1
Hello M.R. Hill,
Ok, where should I start...
I like the start of the chapter very much because of all the detail and descriptive language. I did at one point get quite confused about who the narrator was, so maybe you could make that a little more clearer. You described the characters in the story ever well so I could get a picture of how they look like and the setting of the story.
Some how I didn't really feel like this was chapter 1. I think it should be the prologue because it is the background story to why she turns into The Grandmaster of Theft. Maybe the end of the chapter could be the start the chapter, only the paragraphs of what you want people to know. Then you could continue the story of who it happened. I do find however the end in rather rushed. You jumped ahead 3 years, and maybe if your story is set over three years, you could describe her work of being a theft more then just chucking it in the first chapter.
It is perfectly edited though! I noticed no spelling mistakes or grammar issues which means that you focus on that and it has really paid off and is noticeable! :)
I enjoyed this first chapter with the strong language and interesting story concept!
P.S: Off to review Chapter 2!
The title did hook me in. It is cleverly written and certainly hooked the reader in!
| cerebral1 8/31/11 . chapter 3
One more review from the roadhouse. In this chapter I like your movement between conversations with Gale and Narcissa, and Cassidy and Wynn; they were effortless, yet the reader knew which character couples you were switching to; good job!
I did find you sermonized a bit in this chapter; mainly through Cassidy's pov, but the reader doesn't want to hear all her beliefs in a lump. Spread them out a bit as her reactions to what people say or do. For example, when Cassidy gets hot headed and Wynn tells her not to over react, she thinks to herself about what she'd learned from Grandfather. That was enough;going on about realism, and railing about circumstances...that could go somewhere else later, and thus keep the story's pace sharper.
I did like Gale's dry comment, "I purchased a ticket. I can ensure you that there are no laws against that." Good, subtle humor. I'm intrigued, and looking to read more. If you're planning on repaying reviews, continue with my Pirate's Bride, please!
| cerebral1 8/31/11 . chapter 2
Hello from the roadhouse, and thank you for reviewing ch. 1 of Pirate's Bride. This story has a good pace; not too fast or slow. I am still enjoying Wynn's and Cassidy's train is described vibrantly, and reminds me of an Agatha Christie novel setting. My suggestions for this chapter are to proofread carefully. Grammatical and punctuation mistakes make it difficult for a reader to follow. I also wonder how Wynn got Narcissa to accept a gift; does she take them from random strangers, does she know him, or did I miss something? If you are planning to repay reviews, please continue reviewing Pirate's Bride, as I am finishing it up this week.
| cerebral1 8/31/11 . chapter 1
After reading this chapter through a couple times, I think your last two paragraphs would have been a great hook into your story, instead of all the conversation and background setting that you went through at the beginning. If you started with a variation of the info. from the last two paragraphs and then flashed back, or worked backwards, you would have accomplished two things: hooked the reader with the "It takes a thief to catch a thief" premise, and you'd be able to fill in details at a slower, steadier pace than all at once at the beginning.I like the relationship between Augustus and Cassidy, and I do want to find out more about this Deus, and why he calls himself that. On to Ch. 2!
| Deedee Elle 8/31/11 . chapter 3
I like the opening with the comparison between the literal sunny day and the metaphor- nice style.
I found the second paragraph a little heavy, very philosophical but it slows the action up a bit and I found myself skimming to get back to what Gale was up to.
I like the way Cass is listening in to the conversation and her own thoughts reading as sidenotes. You throw in some interesting hints about how a conflict between her and Gale might develop.