|Reviews for Story without a name|
| RainyPuppetier 9/29/11 . chapter 3
I promised you a review, so I shall review. I will be harsh when I need to, but you know I care!
First and foremost...Watch your punctuation. The beginning, right off the bat, I noticed an error.
"I myself had taken Madiline and went into hiding, moving anytime we could and making do with what we had." should be
"I, myself, had taken Madiline and went into hiding; moving anytime we could and making do with what we had.". Make sure you get your commas! They make huge differences in how a sentence is read.
Another one I caught is a sentence fracture. Watch out for these. The one I found is the following:
"you shouldn't have kept me because I'm not human, why did..."
"you shouldn't have kept me because I'm not human. Why did..."
Since this is fictionpress, try to avoid small (Anothernoticehere). It's one of fanfiction a lot, because it's not meant to feel like we own everything. Fictionpress, we pretty much own everything we type. So your "(I am a time skip...fear me!)" could-andshould- be deleted. It's already in a structure that points out it's skipping ahead. The "POVs" can, of course, stay.
Other then that, the chapter was a great read. To be honest, I like how you're taking the story a lot slower then how you originally wrote it in your journal. You're giving a lot more background then when you first wrote it. Keep it up!