man...so good

I do like the rhyme of these first two lines because it reads much more naturally, and it gives the marching its rhythm too.

However, I don't like that you don't follow through with the structure. The last line of the first stanza seems like youv'e attempted to, but it's forced. And the last stanza begs for more structure; the repetition of again really had me grating my teeth. It was pretty annoying to be frank; I know you can write it more appealingly than that, and there's nothing dramatic about that last scene. It should be simply wrapping up.

Okay, I'm going to take a break from these poems now. See you some other time.

Ohana from the Review Marathon (link in profile)

Okay, I don't particularly like the structure this time because I find the lack of line breaks in this one unnecessarily jerky. The pauses make me stop and start again, and it's not really giving the desirable impact. In fact, it's making me want to just skip it entirely, but again, stubbornes speaking (and it's easier to go in a straight line)...but I'd prefer it split into proper stanzas.

I like the image of the sun as a burning globe, again turning the idea of sun as a beacon of hope and light on its head, making it too intense and reinforcing the tragedy image. Also does well in showing how the sun apparently comes closer every year and will burn the earth to cinders before it runs out of fuel (though that could be science fiction). Still, nice touch. Widely encompassing.

Ooh, I love the start of this. The question of human interaction versing material interaction. It's something that's so totally relatable, even more so for me (and probably a lot of people on this site) because I love reading, so books do take the place of physical company quite often (and no, no sexual reference in there). I also like the long length of that part, because the dragging effect works in favour here.

I also like how you ease into different ideas, different worlds, different feelings with the rustling of books. It reminds me of an arabic poem I wrote about the same topic finally enough, but my arabic is a lot worse than your english I'd say. :) Anyway, it's a nice gentle coming in to the images, so the transition works nicely. Not jerky but rather flowy, like wrapping up one story and coming to the next.

I don't like the line [Of screaming and pain throughout the day] - it drags the rest of the poem since everything else is so short and snippy. You don't even need "throughout the day" - it adds nothing to the poem. I'd just cut that out entirely. The last line too is a little wordy, you don't need "this is".

Apart from that, I like the rhythm of this. The beginning sets me up for a thumping/stamping sort of rhythm, and for the most part, I get that. It's nice and jerky and heart-wrenching, a soldier fighting to the end, a terminal patient finally dying...that kind of thing. Nicely done.

I like the beginning of this, and how there's no line breaks in this, instead page breaks. Again, the pauses nicely situate each line and give it emphasis. The image of walking through an empty hallway is nicely placed as well - how nothing is different and yet we /know/ something is going to be because of the title. Nice ploy.

On the other hand, as the poem progreses, the extra pauses become teeth-grating. The tempo speeds up but the structure drags it behind, so it somewhat damages the image of the story line. That bit towards the middle-end should really go snap snap snap but it simply drags /on/.

I don't like you switching tenses in this. It's hard to grasp a concept of time or context because of that. Particularly the line [I hoped, I prayed, I fast,] tells me you weren't paying attention to simple things like that. Even if it is correct, it's attention-stealing, having it all in present tense wouldn't detach anything.

On the other hand, I like the mention of the sacrifical ashes. It's part of some cultures (I think), but it also relates to the ritual of death in many others, and cremation. A cycle of life coming back around. Ashes to ashes.

I like the structure because of the use of paragraph breaks in this. The extra pause really helps reinforce the emotions in this.

I also like how you began with a prayer; it immediately imparts a desperate and despairing tone which you follow through nicely with the begging in a way that suggests it's forced. As if it's already surrendered, already hopeless, but still begging.

I don't like the rhyming of this - it seems forced upon the poem somehow. It's not really naturally flowing like i've seen with some works; I think you would have done better with psuedo-rhyming structure.

I like the image of pain and regret with this, because witches are normally portrayed as soulless creatures who don't care what or who they kill or what sort of black magic they do. But you've given this a painfully human touch, a sense of wanting to be free but being unable to. Nicely done.

Again, I don't like the structure because it's too blockish. This one really need paragraph breaks, or at least punctuation to vary the pauses. Helps with the readability and aesthetic appeal.

I especially like the lines [I may have family
I may have friends
but I feel so alone] - it shows the connections of modern society, how technology takes the place of physical contact, and as an only child, it also speaks well of my own experiences. Having friends at school isn't the same as really being friendswith them - the friends we call is simply a title, people we're accustomed with. We can be surrounded by the world and still be alone. So a nice relatable little sect.

BTW, this is just my view so feel free to take it all with a grain of salt.

I don't like the structure of this again; you're talking about wind, which in itself begs to be free, but you've restrained it into a block-like verse again. True, it is freeverse, but not the sort of freeverse that has a free style. It's a block style and restrained but freeverse in that it doesn't have a rhyming pattern is all.

I also don't like the line [air moving east, north, south, west] - it reminds me too much of a compass. It's another restrictive quality, which somewhat ruins the effect of the last line. The compass' path is defined by magnetic interactions; wind is freer than that. It's a metaphor that doesn't really suit the image. There are better ways of wording that.

This is a far more readable poem. I like the length of this; it's short, too the point and yet encapsulating so much. Sort of like the darkness; see very little thanks to light, but feel far more from it. Nicely done.

I don't like the viscious imagery so much, because I find it's a very cliched representation. Speaking as a Koichi Kimura fan from Digimon, darkness isn't always evil, but you don't capture the other side of it, the gentle blanket that invites sleep, that keeps our secrets, that gives mercy...I find it a rather biased description, and as it screams out, I feel the title "darkness" is not appropiate for it.

My first impression upon seeing this was to click the back button - luckily, I'm too stubborn to do that, but the big block of text isn't particularly appealing to the eyes. It would be better to break that into stanzas; it helps the readability and makes it more appealing to look at too.

I love the ending of this in particular, [about life, love, and diamond rings]. It starts off talking about abstract ideas and ideals after a particularly concrete poem, and then the song turns to the concrete finish of diamond rings and its numerous symbols. THe one that strikes me, or two actually, are engagement rings and perfection, and both work well in context. Nice ending.

Ohana from the Review Marathon (link in profile)

Amazing! This is great! I couldn't have said it better myself :)

I read them all :) Very good! You're a great poet!