|Reviews for The Cryptic Tale of an Astute Detective|
| Dark Blue Lover 10/20/11 . chapter 7
Short, but funny as well. I was already wondering what about Velca, since the story seemed to be getting further and further away from her case (and Robero didn't figure out that Simone's gang was probably talking about a different diamond -.-)
"robot-caring woman" - lol!
So far, pretty good and funny text. I hope I didn't discourage you with my criticism, and that you continue this soon!
Dark Blue Lover
| Dark Blue Lover 10/20/11 . chapter 6
"...it's a wonder he hasn't flown to Tibet yet" - lol!
"Rodoine looked like a spanked hamster". xD I can so imagine that!
Funny chapter :D Good work!
| Dark Blue Lover 10/20/11 . chapter 5
Well, that was kinda obvious xD
This is getting better. Still a few things you could take out ("hint hint") but it's good :)
Curious as to how you're continuing this :)
| Dark Blue Lover 10/20/11 . chapter 4
A water-bed! How the heck does Robero avoid getting wet? xD
I am a fast reader, lol. Nonetheless, it's better if you take out that comment.
"What remained to be seen" - that sentence, too.
"He continued after Robero gave him a look that could, and possibly soon would, with Robero's new technology, melt iron." - take out the "and possibly soon would". Your readers can think of that. And if they don't... they don't know Robero. XD (No offense to anyone out there, btw.)
"Right about now, you're wondering how Robero will get to this restaurant" - take out that whole paragraph and start off with the taxi thing. If you're worrying about the readers not remembering Robero doesn't own a car, just remind shortly ("As he didn't own a car and it was quite some way to Main Street, Robero hired a taxi to pick him up". Better text flow.)
Is a Main Street always downtown? 'cause Main Street is what you're first saying, if I remember correctly. I've never been to America so I don't know, sorry. :P
Unless you're making Robero gay, I wouldn't use the word "hot" for any of Simone's companions.
"... but it's run-of-the-mill in Knerdville". Take that out. The reader can figure.
"It would just be weird to nod your head in disagreement." Yes, but still this sentence disturbs the text flow.
Oh yeah, and is Simone actually a guy's name in English? Cause where I live, it's a girl's name - funny effect, but I'm not so sure if you did that on purpose xD
Well, it's a little weird that the police seems to never have caught Simone and his gang before. But it's okay, since it's another universe.
Anyway, nice work so far :)
| Dark Blue Lover 10/20/11 . chapter 3
"Throughout my entire existence I have been a positive robot". xD
Line 2: I think you want to say "don't get your wires in a knot". "Bet" would be odd.
"It would take too long to type" - again, text flow disturbed.
Pfff, the neighbours xDDD
There's a small break in logic here - first, Velca says about who knows where her diamons are kept: "Only the millions of subscribers to People magazine", but then she's irate at the article in the "People" magazine. Too much of a coincidence. First, the first remark she makes should be ironic (not sarcastic, that doesn't fit if she's joking); second, it should be more general and "possibility"-like ("Only the millions of readers of the boulevard magazines, maybe.") If she has those magazines at home and noticed the article already, she shouldn't react so irate to it.
Sixth line from the last: I think you mean "shudder" (not "shutter").
Other than that, nice work so far :) I'm curious as to how it'll continue!
| Dark Blue Lover 10/20/11 . chapter 2
The remark "Picture this scene" isn't needed, the reader does automatically.
"We" POV isn't exactly great, maybe you could change that. Reminds me personally of a movie script, but since I want to read a mystery story (not a movie script), it's rather irritating.
Inspector Robero! :D
Heh, wait a moment. So he's like a genius in building weird things, but he's challenged when it comes to working usual technology? Hm... I know someone similar. Nice
"Well, I really am much taller when I'm standing up." xD I nearly fell from my chair laughing.
If you change the "alligator" into a wolf, the reader knows which story you're alluding to but you can take out the comment about the "Boy who Cried Wolf". (Author comments may be funny or explain things, but they disturb the text flow. It's better to make things so obvious you don't need an explanatory comment.)
All in all, good work so far, though. :)
| Dark Blue Lover 10/20/11 . chapter 1
This is kind of silly but funny...
A few author intrusions - think Shadowwritr noted already. "He fits in, you'll see". "Its story isn't over, though, and neither is Robero's".
Other than that, there's only a few technical things: For one, I have no idea how you could use a footstool to make a TV cable (of course, you can set the TV on it and thus get it to work, but it sounds like Robero cut the footstool into pieces and made a cable from it. O.o) Second, yes, iodine can be used for cleaning water, but rather not with muddy water (which is common after a rain). This is because muddy water is more likely to contain dead organic material, which produces ammoniac; now the thing is that iodine and ammoniac, if they react chemically, may explode. It's no big thing, and I doubt anyone else noticed, but it would be more plausible if maybe the hat is made of special fireproof rubber so they can start a fire and boil water in the hat, or something like that. (Wouldn't be surprising, with that hat :D)
It's funny though how Robero is always saved by his hat. Good work so far, crazy but really funny! I'm curious as to how this is going to turn into a mystery story.
| AppleCrumble 9/10/11 . chapter 7
Short and um well I should put sweet but its not really so.
Short and super.
I really liked reading this and can't wait for the next chapter!
| AppleCrumble 9/10/11 . chapter 6
This is a really good chapter!
'spanked hamster' made me laugh, I am quite childish aren't I! Oh well, great chapter, am going to read the next one, well, next. :-)
| Shadowwritr 8/30/11 . chapter 3
Only suggestions as always.
Oh, don't bet your wires in a knot, Smarty Alec. (bet I think you wanted get.)
"Oh, I see," she looked thoughtful for a moment. "What are we going to eat? I'm starving!"
(I just love how she invites herself to dinner. This cracked me up.)
"We are going to have fried chicken, potatoes, gravy, fresh bread, fruit salad and apple pie," Smarty Alec stated as he enter the room. (enter needs to become entered)
We will not repeat it all here, it would take too long to type. (Delete this, author intrusion)
Again, it would be cruel to trees to print everything that she said while rambling. (Delete this, author intrusion)
(Even though he was depressed, Smarty Alec could have quite a sense of humor when he wished.) Delete the brackets, they are not needed as this is not author intrusion.
(I hope you don't consider her food) Delete this, author intrusion.
(Robero wasn't really worried about this. Most of his neighbors had done something illegal in the last month, and wouldn't call the police if a bomber had told them he was going to blow up the building.) Delete the brackets, not needed.
(Since he didn't have much practice at being a real detective, he didn't have a list of questions to ask, and forgot some of the more important ones.) Delete the brackets, not needed.
(Possible crown jewel?) Delete this, author intrusion.
(Please, reader, don't answer that.) Delete this, author intrusion.
(Remember, this is called Knerdville for a reason.) Delete this, author intrusion.
(Luckily, he didn't have to wear those.) Delete the brackets, not needed.
| Shadowwritr 8/30/11 . chapter 2
As always this is just suggestions. You are the master and creator of the story.
Picture this scene: In a crowded city of the East, (called Knerdville,) in a five story brick office building, in the top northeast corner, there is a small office. Engraved on the door is this: (take out this)
Delete - Picture this scene: That is not needed.
Delete - ( ) Take out the brackets. Those are not needed.
Walking into the office, note the yellow rubber hat and shabby orange jacket on the coat rack. As we turn to face the desk, we see that no one is there. Then we hear a thump and a groan of pain.
(Rework this short paragraph. Something like this:
The yellow rubber hat hung on the coat rack along with a shabby orange jacket. The office appeared to be empty save for the furniture. A thump and a groan of pain rang out in the silence.
Then carry on as is.)
(Okay, maybe that isn't as odd for him as it would be for the rest of us.) Delete this, author intrusion.
He grabbed his near-empty briefcase, along with his coat and ( add the here) rubber hat.
(He miserably failed his driving test. The instructor was in the hospital for three weeks.) Delete brackets, place a comma after test insert because, lower capital on T for the and the two sentences can stay without being author intrusion.
(Our version of this story is "The Boy who Cried Wolf", but remember that they are in Knerdville.) Take this out, add She said. Then good to go.
Okay. That was all I saw. Not as funny as the prologue but not exactly boring either. Good job.
| Shadowwritr 8/30/11 . chapter 1
The prologue is so outlandishly crazy that it is funny. I made a few suggestions below that give no bearing to the actual story.
Take out (He fits in, you’ll see.) after the first sentence. This is author intrusion.
The Misfit Section held items that didn't fit into any of the other sections (obviously). Take out the obviously, this is author intrusion.
The Everything Store also sold animals, if you hadn't figured that out. Delete this sentence it is also author intrusion.
It's story isn't over, though, and neither is Robero's. Delete this sentence it is also author intrusion.
The second to the last sentence went with the one above. Leave that one in for the real story. It looks like it appears to be an author’s note, but it actually fits for the story that it won’t appear that way if you get rid of the that last sentence.
Very good start other than the author intrusion.
| AppleCrumble 8/26/11 . chapter 5
Really enjoyed it! :-) Keep on writing its so good. Please update Soon!
| XMystery.ManiacX 8/26/11 . chapter 5
great story - please read and review my book - murder on the coast:)
| well armed princess 8/25/11 . chapter 1
i am in love with this story! anyone who dislikes this story is possibly insane. not that i am trying to insult anyone. update SOON!