|Reviews for Cursed Angel|
| Guest 8/25/11 . chapter 2
You have a neat idea, but the writing to back it up isn't the best. If it was only the spelling and grammar mistakes, it might be ok, but it is worse. You jump, you tell, and you have miracles. "Lets do this." "I like him." "I don't like her." "oh wow, we both know this awesome story!"
1) You jump. Its not the time jumps that bother me, its the thought jumps. One moment she is fine with someone, the next she is not.
2) The speed goes along with the jumps. Slow down! This chick is simply going to drop her boyfriend because her friend tells her to? Seriously! Life doesn't happen in a day. Maybe have her look t the other guy, and then have a fight with him. And wait, why would a guy ask a girl about a random story, especially when hes new? Seriously, slow down. Maybe allow her to be attracted, but slowly allow them to become less guarded with each other.
3) Show don't tell. Sometimes telling works. I've written a story where the character can't see, and introduces you to herself by telling you about herself, and sometimes telling works, but in this case it doesn't. What movements do the students around her make? What tells her about the reactions of people? What do people look like? What are their most common gestures. Instead of (fake example) "... she walked down the hallway..." try "...she walked along looking at the posters the driver's end class put up each year." Add detail in. Instead of, "...she liked his laugh..." try "... his laugh was a deep throaty sound, and his face crinkled up so handsomely with the joy that reflected from his laugh."
5) Detail your characters. What do their features look like.
6) Stop cutting your dialogue so short. Most people don't talk like that. They use words to talk about people, but everything isn't so black and white.