|Reviews for In Store|
| delusional-daydreamer 9/11/11 . chapter 2
I think I have a pretty good hunch who the breaking, entering and stealing person is. Ud soon :)
| Desired Dreams 9/11/11 . chapter 2
Wow this is a really interesting story, and I want to know, who broke in the shop, if Gavin really had a girlfriend, and who Annie likes (more) Brody or Gavin. Keep up the good work! Also i like the your style of writing :)-Desired Dreams
| delusional-daydreamer 9/5/11 . chapter 1
This looks really interesting. Hope you post the next chapter soon, I'm curious as to what will happen :)
| InkWitch 9/4/11 . chapter 1
Interesting. I like it.
BUT I do have some criticizing to do. Get ready, set, go!:
I think you shouldn't have put so much content in the first chapter. The summary should always be the teaser, the first chapter the hook and the second chapters the continuation of the hook. This first chapter was pretty tantalizing in itself, but it shouldn't have had so much happen in it. I think you should have just stuck to Annie describing 'the boy'. The starting line "As usual, he came into the store and left, one candy bar richer. As usual, I paid for it out of my own wallet, straight to the cash register." was a little bland. Instead of giving simply one line about the thief, I think you should have started like this. "The front door's bell rang, indicating another customer had come in. I looked up and saw..." yada yada and then you describe the boy, say that Annie recognized him as the thief. And then the scene proceeds with Annie watching the boy shoplift and then leave. and then Annie pays for it and THEN.. you continue the chapter they way you did after that line: ""Why do you always let him do that?" "Do what?" I innocently..."
And the chapter should end with Annie coercing Brody into taking her to the party and finish with a line like "Annie: 3, Brody: 0" or something like that. The next chapter should've had the whole party and meeting with Gavin and if the second chapter ended with that line "Or we would have gone somewhere, had there not been a livid redhead in our way." it would have been phenomenal.
Because, you see, developing the story has its boring psychological side too. The reader reads the summary, goes like "This sounds super interesting lets read" and then reads the first chapter. If it has good content and interesting following after the summary, the reaction will be "great! can't WAIT til the second chappie". When the second chapter comes out, the reader will be looking for something that confirms her belief that, yes, this will be a good story. so the second chapter has to have something BIG, aka meeting the thief and getting found by THE GIRLFRIEND. and THEN the reader will be hooked, completely. even if you come up with crappy chapters now and then, the reader will most likely be wanting to stick with you, since you gave such awesomeness at the beginning. You see now?
On YOUR case, you have an amazing summary, unique, interesting and not at all generic. But then I read your first chapter and go like: "Interesting and everything, but shouldn't she have given a little more detail about the thief BEFORE Annie meets him?" Because then I don't know what Annie thought of Gavin when he was simply the Snickers Thief. If she liked him, why she paid for him...
But then, since you didn't give the crucial detail at the beginning, I immediately assume that you're going to let Annie meet the thief in that very chapter. And THAT is wrong. You should NEVER kill suspense like that. Suspense is what keeps the reader going "SHIT SHIT SHIT WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT?" Suspense is keeping the reader on her toes ALL THE TIME. And you killed the suspense of meeting the thief in the very first chapter! What is that?
Going on, I find out that, yes, my assumption is very much correct. Now my surprise is dampened because I already KNEW what was going to happen.
So you see, although the story idea, your writing and your summary is REALLY REALLY GOOD (seriously, I really love it, INSANELY), you kinda roarfed the whole thing by carrying it out the wrong way and killing the suspense. Suspense is very important in the type of romance that you're writing.
You also roarfed the suspense by giving the full summary.
Full Summary: Who could develop a crush on a boy that steals a Snicker's bar from her parent's convenience store on a daily basis? Ansel could. But when she actually begins to get closer to him, things take a turn for the worse, especially when his jealous girlfriend takes it upon herself to make Ansel's life into a living hell. With mysterious corner store vandals, house arrest, and a disagreeable best friend, it wasn't like her life had been any better before…
NO NEED to tell the readers about the jealous girlfriend or "mysterious corner store vandals, house arrest, and a disagreeable best friend". THAT'S PART OF THE STORY. The readers will read it when it comes. See, you practically gave away what was going to happen in the story! Maybe not the essential details, but the main happenings! And then, what do you have left? Nothing.
Sadly I'm going to undo all my criticizing by saying, maybe you have something else up your sleeve and if so I'm anticipating it. But I really think you should consider my words.
Keeping an eye out for you, don't disappoint, and tell me if you decide to rewrite the first chapter because then I want to read it.