|Reviews for After School|
| Guest 10/30/12 . chapter 1
Coffee Charming :)
| Dreamers-Requiem 10/19/11 . chapter 2
Another interesting chapter, although there were a few instances where I think you could clear up the wording a bit. Also, i feel like her and Birdie's friendship is a lot weaker here than it was in the first chapter - they don't seem as close. Anyway, a few of the things I spotted were -
[I woke up the next morning a bit irritated.] could clean it up a bit to something like (I woke up the next morning, irritated.)
[Kahlyn was my brother's girlfriend, and she slept over a lot,] I'd suggest dropping the 'and' and making it two sentences.
[at for reasons unknown. Or maybe not so unknown.] drop that, it seems too contradictory, espcially as you then explain the reasons.
[focus solely] - 'focused'
[It was probably Chinese or something, since they were Asian.] - that line made me cringe a bit. Unless you want her to come across as ignorant, I'd suggest changing it. Asian doesn't just mean Chinese, and they could be speaking any language, depending, obviously, on whether they're from Germany, China, France...etc. Get it? Perhaps say it sounds Chinese, or just say she has no clue what language it's in.
Just a few suggestions. Anyway, like I said, it is an interesting story and I hope to see more of it.
| flipper66 9/30/11 . chapter 1
hey good story line so far i hope you have more coming soon . i'd like to see were your taking this.
| Jordan Baines 9/25/11 . chapter 2
Ape joints? I love Mimi. I hope she finds true love. Which brings up her prey - maybe she can get rid of this Amber and move in on Isaac, hmm? She sounds like fun to know, so Isaac should take a second look. Update soon please.
| Miss-You-Too 9/25/11 . chapter 2
Great! Cant wait to read more! And whats birdies real name? Am curious cuz you never said
| Miss-You-Too 9/25/11 . chapter 1
This story is awesome! I alread love your humor and mimi!
| Blue Ravenn 9/25/11 . chapter 2
I love your writing! The way Mimi sees herself and her day are so funny. The part about Rolf was good, and this Ferd guy has got me wondering how he plays into things, especially if he's hang-out-the window worthy of looking at when shirtless. So the 'little' Asian boy Mimi seen is in her school? Must be short for his age. Thought maybe she was going to babysit him...
Now her stalking, what does she see in Isaac? Is he just a hot guy? Is there more? Tell us! And update soon please.
| Dreamers-Requiem 9/23/11 . chapter 1
I really liked that; love the scene at the start, and I think it gives a great sense of her character. Plus, well, I think all girls have, at some point during high school, taken part in stalking someone (because they or their friends like them, anyway.) :P I think you captured that really well, and I liked the conversation between her and her friend - it flowed naturally, and I like how they sort of counter-balence each other. Really good stuff; I'd love to see more.
| MarshmallowRabbitt 9/20/11 . chapter 1
Very intriguing concept. I can't wait to see what you do with it. I really like how we already get a total sense of her character with just the first chapter...and the fact that just about anything can happen! Keeps us readers on our toes!
| A Kiss in the Dreamhouse 9/14/11 . chapter 1
Saw this in my subscriptions...this was a very interesting, well written chapter. Like, the characters just seemed so realistic. Can't wait for more!
| pterodactylion 9/13/11 . chapter 1
I like, I like, I really do like! :)
It sounds like one of those stories that will get better as time goes on.
| Blue Ravenn 9/12/11 . chapter 1
So Mimi is fangirling over a taken guy. He must be some catch. I liked the part abut the bookbag - yup, that'll damage a date.;) Please update soon. I love your stories.
| FLIPPER66 9/12/11 . chapter 1
LOL , good story so far hope you have more coming soon.
also if get a chance check out some of mine. thanks
| Chancel 9/12/11 . chapter 1
I like the title. I like this story, too. Stalker girl, a wedding, and Asian neighbors. Sounds interesting. So this Isaac is spoken for but Mimi wants him anyway?
Update soon. Can't wait to see how serious she takes her stalking.