I think you have a unique way with words but the pattern in your poetry, at least to me, seems to feel disjointed. The ideas aren't quite seamlessly linked - I know what you're getting at, but the journey could be a little smoother. And that's only stylistically - I don't want an easy journey emotionally, of course, unless that's what you want. Also the narrator could be clearer unless you want the ambiguity.

beautiful.