|Reviews for When the Breaking Day is Dawning|
| cashew 9/24/11 . chapter 1
Congratulations on reviving your fictionpress account :)
Tense parallelism please.
The summary is interesting, but the first few lines need to be more catchy. Hook the reader in, as you will.
I feel like you should stretch the chapter a little more. More setting. Describe the sights, the sounds, the smells. Feelings. more stuff, basically.
Lengthen the scene where Ari realizes that it's Cesca onstage.
Also: "the girl, no, woman" or "the woman, no, girl" It's only one or the other?
Formatting. It's not that necessary to center Ari's thoughts.
Otherwise, writing's pretty good. The whole concept is interesting and the guilt tripping seems delicious in that odd, masochistic way. If I may make a suggestion, maybe you should make Ari remember her words to Cesca in a later chapter. I can see it now: Cesca onstage, Ari cornering her later, wild lesbian sex, awkward morning after, Cesca getting pissed, Ari getting pissed at Cesca getting pissed, Cesca reminding Ari, Ari going "Oh shit I vaguely remember saying that", catfight, drama, blah blah blah, reunion. The end :) But that's me, okay? It's your story. Do with my advice what you will. No problemo.
I also find it amusing that Ari is as old as Ms. Nepo. Can you imagine Ms nursing drinks at a burlesque bar? hahaha!
Looking forward to updates!
(PS: Ari and Cesca? : Way to be totally transparent, mARIelle. Don't think I don't know what you did there /:)
| jade 9/24/11 . chapter 1
I have an account but I'm tamad to log-in (plus ifg my usernamepassword) lol.
I read this na and I will just say THIS IS REALLY GOOD! and for some reason I thought of/remembered this fic when I was listening to this one song. I'll tell ya about it soon. :D