Hello,

Your summary: It isn’t very “eye catching” which can prevent readers from stumbling upon it. Incorporating a writer’s personality is great, where it is deemed appropriate. It seems silly to “criticize,” but marketing is necessary. Try to sell the story. It will help you get more feedback from people you might not find in forums.

Author’s Note: If needed, I’d suggest putting your author’s notes at the end of your story, if including them at all. If there’s “nothing you need to put here” then don’t put anything.

Story And Plot:

It is an interesting idea and seems a little existential. I like that you wrote something playing on the idea that the characters create the story and the writer is just the vehicle through which it gets told.

Why were the teens playing Patty Cake? It seemed a little random.

Grammatical:

A lot of the mistakes you make occur over and over. Watch out for commas, a lot of time you don’t have them where you need them or you have them when you don’t need them. Don’t use them unless necessary. Here are some things I noticed and suggestions:

-Write out numbers (ex. “seventeen” instead of “17). This does not include years (1981 would be 1981).

-Avoid writing in all capital letters to show that a character yelling or to emphasize a word (for which italics can better).

- “"Bake me a cake as fast as you can," the sightly old 18 year old replied as a strain of dark brown hair fell from behind her ear.” “ “Sightly” should be “slightly” and “old should be “older.” Nonetheless, this isn’t necessary considering you gave their age. We know that eighteen is older than seventeen. Also, “strain” should be “strand.”

- “”" I don't know," she replied looking around. "I don't know anything. Not having anyone to write our story is very annoying. I wish someone would come and TYPE for once!" the taller and older girl said, looking around.” - You already revealed the taller and older girl said this, and that she was looking around. It’s redundant.

-“Suddenly the noise of movement filled the room. The noise of someone sitting down in a chair was echoed.” Maybe instead try something like this: “Suddenly, the noise of someone sitting down in a chair echoed throughout the room,” seeing as both sentences are unnecessary and repetitive.

-“ "Hello me characters," a man, it sounded like, said with a thick accent that neither girl could put their finger on. "I'm author. “ “Me” should be “my.” Try “a voice sounding like a man said” or something instead, because the interrupting after “a man” is too distracting. Also, capitalize the “a” in “author,” or add “the” before it. You also say, “me darlings.” I understand trying to give him a certain way to speak but it doesn’t seem appropriate. He’s a writer.

-“ The room shook and before there very eyes, transformed into a lively forest, where young squirrels scattered.” “There” should be “their.” But this sentence may be better if you omit “before their very eyes.” We know that they’re seeing it.

-“Ursula's face grew bright with color, finally glad to be able to let out her emotions, becoming a character.” Add “finally” before “becoming” and the sentence would make more sense. Also, when the girl says “Now listen here buddy-“ indent it or else readers think that the author is saying it as well.

-“"Now for your friend," the tired author staid, releasing a large yawn. "How about (*yawn*) Thalia? “ Omit “(*yawn*). For one, you already said the author was yawning. Two, it’s definitely more “chat speak” than writing. Also you have a typo: “staid” should be “said.”

-“The noise of Mr. Westile leaving his chair. A sudden feeling of freedom filled the room and the characters sat down on the soft grass, aware that their 'author' had left.” Very repetitive. Not only do we know that Mr. Westile is leaving, but it is also signified by the sound of him leaving his chair. “The noise of Mr….” is also a fragment. I would consider revising.

-“"It sure is,"” the comma should be a period.

‘"First write FRIGHT, not FLIGHT. It's when terrible things happen to a character. ‘- you forgot an ending quotation.

Final comments:

Anyway, I know that seems like a lot. I would try reading and revising yourself. I know you want a beta but an important part of becoming a better writer is learning how to revise your own work. Hope that helps,

Jess (Roadhouse).

very good story - i especially like the way the characters in the authors story get to choose the name. the interaction bewteen the characters and the author and the wolf is very intresting as they seem to almost be three different universes impacting on each other.

And another stop by from me from Roadhouse!

- Very...Meta. And creative. I enjoy the opening what with the two characters who just seem to "exist" until the author comes in and gives them life. Particularly because I'm quite the fan of creativity and imagination so this just seems to be a good example of it flowing out well. Especially when turned more colorful and such.

- Use of Big Bad Wolf did amuse me. Really, this whole piece did, but he in particular I'd like to draw attention to right away because of the whole voice and tone reaction in complete contrast to usual style. For some reason, I heard him in a Wily E. Coyote's voice in the Bugs Bunny shorts.

- For what this aims to be, it's not all that bad. I can easily see this entertaining core audience. With children, I think this would be a wonderful story, particularly as a play or animated short.