This is an excellent first poem. However, if it were a little longer, I would have preferred to read it. You should upload some stories, as from the poem, it seems that stories would be more your forte.

I wrote a poem like this... Although its longer and its so depressing that my ten year old sis calls it 'the official most depressing poem'... This is nice though you would like this girl invisiblehearts, she's on here too.

I like your style. you have a very fast and direct way of expressing a moment. There is something powerful about they way you capture an one focused instant.

That was a really good poem! It's simple yet it makes such a strong point. The metaphors are nice too.

Please write more!