|Reviews for The New Bus Driver|
| Q75 11/1/11 . chapter 1
Your attention to detail is a good thing; personalizing the whole scenario for all three characters. However your use of a lot of short sentences, did cause the story to feel disjointed and a bit 'all over the place'.
Also, I think it would have made a better impact if you avoided the use of I and my, through out the whole story so you could have a more dramatic suspense build up, where you finally reveal the fact that it was your sister who got hit.
Everybody ran towards the lifeless body of the little princess. Noone noticed the pony, as it was stepped carelessly on by eager curious busybodies. Nobody noticed the little pony that indirectly caused the whole accident. The pony, who had helped the bus driver. The bus driver who had killed my sister.
or something like that.
But overall, i thought that with a little more less short sentences and a more connection between each paragraph (you could make a parallel of what the driver and the little girl had been doing before the incident), this would be a good short solid story.