This is really disappointing. I've read the blub on the browse page, and I'm ready to start the story and all I get is an Author's Note? AN go at the end, not acting as a barricade between the reader and the story.

Insignificant, but I don't know if you really want to be dating your story by using a Lady Gaga song.

Again, those words of 'her, him, them, etc' being used several times in a sentence. If I'm noticing, it's common then. They aren't always even needed. Take the last sentence of this chapter:

"She took her normal seat in class, trying to push four o'clock to the back of her mind, and focused on the rest of her average day."

How about 'on the rest of an average Tuesday' or something? Her isn't really neded in the last part. Or maybe it is... It still bugs me.

Lastly, I feel as if things are just lacking some detailed depth. I never really find myself with a vivid image of what is going on. Things are moved along perhaps too quickly from scene to scene. Perhaps spend more time on certain parts, such as the period when Tyler and Kris are sitting in the cafeteria, and then they got Ms. Edmonton's. It seemed fairly quick. Obviously, we don't want every piece of fabric having its design analyzed, but the reader should be immersed in the some details. Maybe Kris should have some more actual thoughts too. I don't know, I just feel as if Mrs. Edmonton has more actual personality depth than the main character at time.

)

Again, I really like the plot of the stories, but the chapters need to be meatier. Maybe I'm just picky. But this would be like a 4 page chapter in a book or something. Also, again, moving a bit quick. Why does she already know about the watchers things? Is she gonna go on an adventure like Percy Jackson? Cause that would be the only think probs that i'd be okay with with the quick moving plot.

I can't find it again, but there was one instance of a tense mistake. Harmless thing, but it's somewhere, just be careful.

This sentence is much too awkard for me - "She never understood the pull, but then again she couldn't explain why her gut was telling her she had to research these water demons Mrs. Edmonton had gone on about." - Perhaps add an 'either' at the end, or something, because I feel all tongue tied trying to understand.

In general, I'm glad to see old clues being solved, new ones being discovered. Yet, I still feel the chapter could use a bit more umph.. I don't quite know how, but the chapter seemed to lack anything really 'woah!' about it. It might just need something as simple as more descriptive details, such as at this part - "Ten minutes later, Kristen was in Tyler's car and they were on their way to Westport Public Library." - Ten minutes? Much thought process and observation could go in here. If not here, during the drive, actually. As someone who has no image of Connecticut, the drive is a perfect place to add a paragraph of lush, green hills or bustle of stony faced city wanderers.

Enjoyable read, as always.

Kristen bothers me. She's to perfecty perfect. Make some annoying qualities about her. Other than the fact that she's perfect. And also your chapters could be a little longer. I like the plot a lot though, even if it does move a bit fast. On to chapter 3 cause you're making me. (:

I really like where this is going. The idea is something I have never read before, which is a good thing!

Maybe Kristen is finding out too much, too early on. It seems like a lot of information is just falling into her lap at once instead of having her discover it in smaller pieces later on. Other than that, I am intrigued. The chapters make me want to keep reading! Good work!

Alright, so I am liking it. There are a few sentences in this chapter that are extremely awkward and need to be re-worded. I felt that Kristen recovered from her encounter with the Dark lady a little too quickly and without much consequence (not that it makes sense for her to lose the race, given her natural abilities). I'm thinking, maybe she wins the race, but not by reaching the wall with her hand... I'm ready for the next chapter!

There are some typos and punctuation issues going on. Other than that, the story is beginning to pick up pace, so kudos! The chapters seem a little short to me...one barely gets into it before it ends.

My main comment on this chapter, thus far, is the overuse of the word "ever." It seems to appear in almost every sentence in the first paragraph and I found it to be distracting. Also, there are some punctuation and word choice issues that need to be addressed.

Overall, I like the story line, but I definitely see influences from similar, already published, books. I would work harder to disguise them and make this story truly your own. I also agree that giving Kristen the book containing the answers to all of her questions in the first chapter sort of kills the suspense. She needs to work a little harder for it.

This is getting good. Keep at it please, for your reader's sake!

The only thing I would change is the description in the mirror. That's how everyone cleverly describes their characters. Everyone. Just find a place to drop a few details and move on. Let the reader piece her together in their minds.

So, there's a clear liking for excessive use of possessive adjectives when really, they are only needed in front of some words of the sentence. The paragraph that starts "'Don't be stupid Kris...'" is the one that drew my attention to this the most.. leave it out in some places, if it's possible, find a new word, or maybe add some other detail with it so I don't want to just throttle all the her's in that one paragraph.

Also, just words repeated in general. Thesaurus' can actually be really fun!

Other, simply nitpicking, things:

"'What is it dear?'" A comma after it, I believe, should be added.

"[...]and as she looked, she saw them exchanged worried glances." Just simply exchange, not exchanged.

I loved the strange woman part! My curiosity has been peaked. I wasn't sure what was going to happen, and now I must know who that is..

Otherwise, great job, boffl!

To subtly yet immediately show Kristen in the water, making it seem like an offhand thing, was a good route to take. I like that. However, Ms. Edmonton's entirely obvious Wiccan lecture that is so unlikely to realistically happen and way too easily places the answers into Kristen's hands, just ends curiosity much too quickly. It may be better to rework this somehow - maybe Ms. Edmonton's lesson incites a new fascination, and Kristen finds the book on her own terms?

I enjoyed Chapter 2, getting more into Kristen's powers, the hint at what's to come because of the parents bickering. Overall, an interesting read.

I've said it before - I sense many other sources that contribute to this story, just alone in the Prologue. I love the plot, the idea, and how well it is written, however, and I don't know how you'd go about this, that would need to be toned down somehow. It's okay to be influenced, but to have a reader being reminded every other word of another book takes away your credit. This story is too good for that.

A not so important thing, perhaps but in the sentence "The light had won at a terrible price, but it was not the end." should light not be capitalized? This confuses me. Onto Chapter 1..

I like this chapter. I think it's well written. The dialogue especially seems comfortable and natural, which isn't the easiest thing to do. Get rid of the sentence that ends the first paragraph, about this being where our story begins. It's not only unneccessary, it totally breaks the fourth wall and jars with the reader's suspension of disbelief.

While it was an interesting way to set up the backstory, Mrs. Edmonton's lesson seemed rather contrived, as it gave us exactly the information we need and no more. It's ok to hide tidbits of information in more subtle ways. Trust your reader, he'll pick up on it.

'Wiccan culture' is a bit of a misnomer. Wicca is a religious belief system. A culture refers to the lifestyle of a certain (usually ethnic) group of people. While religious practices are a part of culture, they do not have cultures of their own.

Thats all for now. Good luck! I'll keep up with the story as it goes along.

I'm intrigued. It looks like you've thought what this story is going to be about quite well, and so far it is beautifully written.

I kinda feel like this should be told through a mentor character sometime after the kids have been reunited, instead of at the beginning, just so levels of suspense in the story can be kept up.

But I really look forward to what you'll be writing next!