|Reviews for Callum: Stolen: September 2012|
| jinx1764 11/13/11 . chapter 1
Hello from the Review Game!
I like your opening line setting up the time and weather; a nice why to give information, descriptively without dumping. Though the next line I'm confused on after I on [A Chinese restaurant in Kildare proved to be a solace to Callum and his growling stomach, as the events of each company kept him out late that night.]
How exactly did the restaurant give him solace if he brought dinner back home and why did you wait until he got into the car to mention he was carrying dinner out? Was he only carrying dinner out for his wife? Did he eat at the restaurant - the solace - and bring home food? These details seem inconsequential but as the author, you're the one setting up the tone for the character's reason for being there and his physical sensations - growling stomach. If they're important to the plot, character development or over tone (not saying they aren't, in fact I think they are) then you should be clearer about what is happening before the robbery as it sets up his entire reason for being there.
It also begs the questions: was this a random robbery, was he being stalked since the robber knew him or is he quite famous and it was a crime of opportunity? You could flesh out these details and make it far more interesting.
Dialogue: Overall I thought it was believable expect none of your characters speak in contractions. Is there a reason for this? Contractions: isn't, I'm, don't, etc have been used in some form or fashion for centuries and it makes your characters (thus your writing) very stilted and unnatural. Would a robber (whom I assume would be rushed, eager to be done with his crime and away) really speak so rigidly? The majority of your emotion between characters needs to come out through their dialogue, pattens of speech, etc. If the robber really does say [Do not move] at first which could work he should say it with emphasis [Do NOT move or put not in italics which I can't do here] If you don't want to do that then he should say 'Don't move.' Since he's keeping his voice low.
I didn't really find the action of the robber giving his name fully believable. Though there are stupid criminals are there and though I have read about similar real life events, in a fiction story I find it too pat and easy a solution. It makes the resolution and climax of your story a given; why should a reader keep reading if they know how it will end?
I started to like Callum since you're in his head more than anyone else, but by the end I feel disconnected from even him due to the easy solution and rather lack of danger he ended up facing. The tension you started creating dissipated and gave me no reason to delve into Callum further or Melia.
Overall I think you're on the right track, you've got a good idea and potential to make readers care of your characters. If you dig deeper into their heads, expand the characters and the believable scenarios to less simplistic limits I think you'll really have a attention grabbing story.
Keep writing! :o)
| Whirlymerle 11/12/11 . chapter 1
Writing: The writing is generally good, and you have some nice metaphors. However, lines like this, "the apparent depth of her love revealed by the terror that ambushed him that night" deliver messages in a rather ham handed way, I feel.
Dialogue: The dialogue flowed well. The people sound mature, which is good since they're adults.
Character: Rufus must be rather stupid to give his name up so easily. But I guess you're trying to show through his characterization that bad people are generally stupid?
Plot: I thought the premise of the plot was interesting. However, Rufus's stupidity ruined it in my opinion, because it didn't allow adequate build up of tension.
Nice job, happy writing! :)