Interesting plot carried out with considerable style, but I do have several problems with it, besides the occasionally spelling error (e.g "bangs" not "banks").

The writing grows rather static after a while and while you make good use of imagery, you should try to use them more when they matter. Also, you should find a purpose in structuring the scene into thoughts from different characters and explicitly labelling them. Telling the reader whose thoughts they are by clearly stating the character's name does you no creative favours; readers should be able to distinguish by their manner of speech. If absolutely necessary, then part the paragraphs into parts with lines like

-

this

/

ior even this/i

-

Likewise for flashbacks.

I do hope you keep writing. I see influences from films and television there, but unlike most writers you did not make this into a screenplay, which I would like to commend you on. However, also try to give your characters more (substantial) motive for their actions.

It wasn't me! It was Jem! (go ahead and get me back for that) lol, I loved it! (even though I read it yesterday when you showed me, haha) I couldn't really find any mistakes, I get to caught up in the story to notice any, btw how many more chapters till you're done? Sequel in the future? or brand new story? (YAY! that would be awesome!) Haha Im still laughing at the ribbons, are you going to put that in? lol, off topic, oh well, show me the next chapter on tuesday! lol, please with a mango on top?

One question: When will you be posting more?

Tsk tsk, how could you think this story is not good? It's absolutely wonderful in my opinio, although I know you will sya otherwise. Also keep writing! It took you long enough to post this story!