|Reviews for The Slaves Life|
| Nia Moone 11/24/11 . chapter 3
Oki, relising this is just a draft, here are my general corrections.
Some of your questions don't have question marks. They need them.
Eg. "with all of this" I yelled" insert question mark between this and speech marks.
toward the end you used the word "substance" a lot, perhaps change it to something else?
"So she isn't as ferocious as they said" he asked." It's not a question, so he can't ask it. Change to commented?
I'm also wondering whether the human is going to get a name. He could have perhaps said what he wished to be called.
Otherwise, yay! For the next chapter :) I like it.
| Nia Moone 11/23/11 . chapter 2
Again, just general comma death, but otherwise a good chapter! I am now waiting very impatiently for the next chapter! :)
| Nia Moone 11/23/11 . chapter 1
Ok, so first query, what constitutes an "invalid" review?
First point on story, story wise: Not comma death! Short sentences make your story read all choppy and jarring, it's not very pleasant. Over comma usage is always better than not enough.
Second point: "...short gray Cali t shirt...black leggings...gray furry leg warmers...Rue 21...overlapped my black boots" adjectives! Adjectives are awesome! and other interesting words that make it more interesting to read (What's a "Cali" shirt btw?) So, what kind of black boots? leather? ankle high? are those her favourite clothes? does she wear them all the time? etc, etc.
Third Point: "I had slept through the entire seventeenth century" And how does she feel about that? (I feel all therapist like!) Was she sad she missed interesting events, glad she missed some? Be specific!
"knawing" wrong word, change to "gnawing"
"She killed Kenny!" :) made me lol
Overall, I wat to know what happens next! :)