I wish you'd keep writing this :) it's pretty amazing. I love it. It looks like it could be turned into a whole book. :3

This is such a brilliant first chapter! I love the concept (even if it is slightly confusing at times, though I'm sure that later on there will be a bit more explanation) and the execution is brilliant - you have an amazing writing style! The story is quite different to a lot of stories you can find on fiction press at the moment, and certainly a lot more well written than a lot of stories!

Can't wait for the next chapter!

Viv x

PS - if you have time, could you please check out my story? It's my first and I'd really love some constructive criticism so that I can improve it as I go along. I'd be really grateful! x

Hm. I like it. I like how the ‘Guardians’ are portrayed as pure, protective, and dominant beings. It gives them that sense of divineness and otherworldly manner that you seem to be aiming for. I like the concepts around the ‘Nurturers’ too. How they’re so caring, and looking out for Wendy. I like your theories around the ‘Beloveds’ too.

Spelling mistakes: ‘something began to form in depths of his eyes’ to ‘something began to form in the depths of his eyes’.

‘starred’ to ‘stared’.

‘I look at her puzzled’ to ‘I looked at her puzzled’.

Is ‘I still remember the day he found me as fledgling’ supposed to have an ‘A’?

‘I wiped away a couple tears’ to ‘I wiped away a couple of tears’.

The last line: ‘Beloved’ to ‘Beloveds.’

I like your ideas/originality for this story. I believe it has a lot of potential. It’s cool how different and special the divine beings are to the ‘humans’ (if that’s what they resemble/are like.) Great job :) (I hope you understand what I was going on about.)

"Only guardians kiss each another. " I think this here is supposed to be other?

First I must say, most of this flew right over my head, it gets better as the story goes on but the beginning was a lot to take in.

I thought the conversations were well thought out, I'd definitely give you an A for that.

I'm really waiting for the second chapter just so that I can see just how this world is structured and how people live, what they do and stuff.

I thought that you started to get Octavia mixed up with the unnamed receptionist.

And I was a little disappointed that you spent so much time talking about Eleni and almost none talking about Lynette because she was talking to the UNLOVED UNNAMED receptionist. I think that the next plan of action would be fleshing out Lynette's character as well.

Anyway time for my round of questions

Is Gaia the same thing as Abbadon?

who are the Guardians? And for that matter who are the Beloved?

Is Gaia our Earth? if so where are they? Is that heaven?

Good luck for Chapter 3

First off, INTENSE! And it's only chapter one! which you need to put the title on. You don't have too, but I do it out of pure habit.

Love Wendy, the guardian dude is weird as it 'pedo-weird'. Now, I will be honest, I ain't that religious so I don't know if this what angels or whatever do but if I met a guy like that, say goodbye to the future gene pool! 'Cause I'm hitting him where the sun never shines!

Okay, now I have absolutely no idea where the hell are we. I know she is sitting in a room with some guy who keeps telling her to call him 'my love' but that's about it. Are we still on earth, Mars? Heaven?

I have absolutely have no idea. But I have the suspicious feeling that we are in Texas, am I right?

All in all, I like it. :)

Very interesting, what made you think this story up?

I really enjoyed reading this story. I was hooked from the beginning. from what i can see you may have to explain the differences between guardians and beloveds, nurtures, etc, a little better, some people can get easily confused about what is going on and quickly lose interest. Also, i think you should have combined chapter 1 and chapter 2. There inst really anything different going on in chapter 2, it is just a continuation of chapter 1. At least in my opinion. Chapters like paragraphs are all about a central idea. Since the location, time, and people involved did not change that much i do not see the need to have two separate chapters. other than that i thought you did good. I am really interested in the relation Jerome has with both Wendy and Luce. Keep doing a good job!

much better! it's obvious that YOU DO care about your reader's tastes. that's way to go. back to the original story...

i must say, you have an incredible writing method. it just makes us feel like we're deep in the story. in fact, it's no different from a successful end.

keep going this way and you'll be there! a 10 out of 10!

Its great so far but things are a bit confusing to me. Thanks for your reveiw on my story I'll improve on mine. I love your story!:)

Nice!

The ban on intimacy is really curious. And being made to say "My Love"- creepy :-) in a good way for this story.

oh boy, I'm no good at reviews.

Jerome and the Guardian Cassiel. (Cassiel- interesting name.)

Yea! I would like to learn more about them. And more about Guardians and Nurtures and Wendy.

I have to admit that opening directly with dialog and a wave of unfamiliar terminology threw me for a loop at first, but this is off to a good start.

Minor touch ups may be needed to improve the flow of the piece, like the paragraph about the color red felt too start, stop, start, stop.

More details about the visions would be nice but I suppose that's for another chapter. I look forward to the rest of this series.

What I really loved here is when Wendy didn't know what word to use to fully describe her thoughts. When she said, "not wonderful." I died! Just the whole idea that one doesn't know the word for something terrible... there is something eerily innocent about it that I find a little uncomfortable but normal at the same time.

It's like she was put into this place that commends innocence and naivete. And it seems right since the Guardians and Nurturers are trying s great deal to keep her in the dark.

The fact that you didn't describe your characters so much shows that the story is AS important than the characters. Which is really good. A lot of people focus so much on the character that the story seems to be non-existent. So you did a good job.

The pace of the story was good too, though a little rushed in the beginning... it would be preferable if the Guardians and Nurturers were mentions separately and make use of imagery in those paragraphs. But it was okay, perhaps it is needed.

Word of warning, Wendy can be easily painted into a physically weak character, as well as mentally. Unless it's crucial to the plot, try not to make her overly weak, make her grow a little bit so that she's not left in the dust by others. Besides that, she could be lovely. Though, I really love that she didn't know a word for "not wonderful." That was just great.

Hopefully this helps you some, I've always worked myself to the bone for character development and setting, so I hope to hear more about the place!

Best wishes!

Koxuk; Danya N.

This reminds me of a couple of books I've read and I have to say this is shaping up to be their equal. I particularly like the mystery and the fact that it's a truly new idea I haven't seen anywhere else. Once the story has developed and we know slightly more about the past and present then this will certaintly be a great success. You seem to have a clear idea of lore and history for this story and I'm actually quite eager to find out more. It's difficult to explain but the confident manner you have used has created a lot of mystery and curiousity. Great job!

This is an intriguing story, I hope that you finish it, I really enjoy reading it, and you are a good writer. I would like to learn more about the Abbadon, a strangely familiar name, and really hope that you finish this story of a fatally flawed Utopia which seems on its path to becoming dystopia. I wonder why the people frown on true affection, you really must write more.

Wow, I found this extremely interesting, slightly confusing at times, but I think, as the story progresses, it will all make more sense. One of the things I found interesting wwas when Wendy mentioned that she thought Eleni and Lynette only became her Nurturers for fame, but that Eleni seemed to really care for her, yet Lynette seemed more distant. I'm not sure whether it was deliberate as a sign of their relationship that Lynette said little to her and went to deal with other matters, but I'd like to see if you progress on that. I think there is a huge amount of background information that could clear up some points about the story and I can't wait to read how you integrate that into the story without writing it out in huge blocks of text. Thank you for your review on my story and I hope you continue to read it,

Thank you,

Scarlett