|Reviews for Hunted|
| Dreamers-Requiem 6/18/12 . chapter 12
Interesting chapter, glad to see the pace pick up here and a bit more happen than the previous one. Think I've said it before but I'd still suggest trying to use names less. I also think it gets confusing - like in Sword of Fire - when there's a constant mix between bold and italic. I think you could see if maybe there's a simpler way you could convey some of it, especially as heavy italics can sometimes make things a little harder to read.
Watch out for lack of capitals, too; all sentences should start with an upper case letter.
Don't really need caps lock to convey shouting and the like; with [LISTI! The furious scream tore through the dream, and Listi let out a terrible howl.] The emotion would be conveyed enough with it in lower-case with an exclaimation mark and the mention of it being a scream after.
Just a few suggestions, as usual.
| Dreamers-Requiem 5/19/12 . chapter 11
I feel like this chapter is too short to really convey anything; nothing really happens, which is fine, but the first part, the dream, is simply what we've seen before. I think, if you come to edit this, it may be better to merge it into another chapter, or get rid of it completly. The end part just seems to be left hanging; it's not really an end to the chapter and, yeah, I just feel it's a little redunant. Although I did like the desciption of Listi's voice - that worked really well for the imagery of it.
| Dreamers-Requiem 5/15/12 . chapter 10
I didn't really think about it until I saw another reader had mentioned it, but now I can't help but wonder how old Acco is. At some points he seems fairly young, but I can't tell if he's maybe 12/13, or more around 16. You don't have to spell it out for the reader, but even something like calling him a teenager or young man or something would give the reader a stronger sense of his age. Just something to think about.
May have said it before, but I do feel that you use names a little too much, see what you could use instead.
[Elves had a strong body that fought off infection and sickness with ease.] Would make more sense as (Elves had srong bodies that fought off...)
[He could never even remember the] Little awkward there, maybe (He could not remember the last time...)
["I am not as calm as you might think, Acco." He said quietly. ] should be (you might think, Acco," he said, quietly.) Same with ["I know you are there, Listi." He whispered.] It should read, (there, Listi," he whispered.)
[a hungry intensity on Acco, who was sleeping.] I think you could re-word that, just to make it flow a little better; maybe (a hungry intensity on the sleeping Acco.)
Just a few things I noticed; hope they help!
| Dreamers-Requiem 4/22/12 . chapter 9
Hmmm, I feel like 'little one' loses its emotional impact here - you have a tendency to use it a lot, in all your work, and I think in some cases it becomes just too much, especially here as Kelandi uses it for Acco and Cecil uses it for Kelandi...in the latter, it seems to me to be just a little patronising, too, which I feel isn't what you're going for. A few instances where there's a tiny grammar mistake, the same one so I'm just going to point it out in one example, ["I'm worried for you, Kelandi." He said finally,] should be (...Kelandi," he said, fianlly.) Just watch out for that. [his own death now that someone else(himself) could protect Acco. ] I think you could delete the (himself) there; it makes it just a little jerky, and isn't really needed. ["You have no idea," Kelandi's voice was hoarse, and all the more emotional because of it.] Should have a full stop at the end of the dialogue, as it's not a speech tag that follows. Also, the second half, "and all the more...", is a bit too telling, rather than showing. Again, I think you could just cut it out, the hoarse voice does the job well enough. Just a few suggestions - hope they help!
| The lone canine 4/5/12 . chapter 23
What a beautiful last chapter this was. Especially the last section towards the end. I really enjoyed this story, especially your characters. They were interesting and appealing, and very unique. I really look forward to more of your work.
| Do Play With Fire 4/3/12 . chapter 23
You really know how to write well. I really like the second to last paragraph.
| PrincipalityJokes 4/3/12 . chapter 23
You did it! A perfect ending to a beautiful story, my friend. It's been amazing embarking on this journey with you, Acco, Kelandi, and Cecil. What phenomenal writing. The final scenes were flawless, so emotional and hopeful. Absolutely perfect. Whatever you come up with next, I look forward to it :)
| Elise Cromwell 4/2/12 . chapter 23
Absolutely beautiful. I loved every second of it. Every second was so heartbreaking, yet so filled with hope. The relationship between Kelandi and Acco must have been my favorite component. Their relationship transcended beyond that of an average friendship. The familial bond between them is beautiful, one you nurtured gracefully. They truly are all the other needs. I loved it. As for the one shots, I'll definitely be following those! I don't know if you want this to remain a mystery or end only in the readers' minds, but if you do a Cecil version, I'd love to know what he did in the years before he found Kelandi and Acco-how he survived, if he ever met with anyone else-and if he overcame his own darkness after he left them, and if he found other people (especially the finding others part). Anything alluding to any of those would be awesome. :)
Once again, fantastic work. I loved it.
| Dreamers-Requiem 4/2/12 . chapter 8
I think touches of description of the surrounding area might add a bit more substance, here. Are there any other animals around? Birds? What about sounds? Just a suggestion. [this choppy human language, to him, after conversing ] The 'to him' sounds odd there; maybe drop it, as it is already clear who the sentence is talking about. [rapped in clothes and blankets,] should be 'wrapped', I think. [helpless weak person, Kelandi." he joked in Elvish,] the 'helpless weak' sounds too much like making the same point; maybe drop one or the other. Also, it should be a comma at the end rather than a full-stop. [His whisper was tight with emotion,] Similar to the helpless weak, the 'with emotion' doesn't really sound right - I think you convey the point well enough with 'His whisper was tight'. Just a few things I noticed - hope they help!
| PrincipalityJokes 3/28/12 . chapter 22
D'aw! All the happy hopefulness! I love it! After all the angst and drama and tension that's taken place it's wonderful to see the characters having such a bright moment.
"Am I dead?" That seems to be a question that comes to the minds of most characters awakening from supposed death ;)
Wonderful chapter, as always. Beautifully written, the imagery and descriptions were perfect. And yay for Kelandi starting to heal!
| Dreamers-Requiem 3/27/12 . chapter 7
Apart from things I think I've mentioned before, I think one of the most important things you can do with this is just clean it up, grammar wise. Little things like making sure capital letters are at the start of sentences or the way speech is written can really make a lot of difference. Other than that, as always I am enjoying the story, and I think it's interesting that you've brought another character into it. One thing I did just spot, was you have ["Kelandi?" The voice was gentle] and shortly after, ["Oh Kelandi..." The voice was soft and gentle] at the start of the chapter. Just watch out for repition like that.
| Do Play With Fire 3/26/12 . chapter 21
This is so good but...depressing.
| The lone canine 3/25/12 . chapter 21
This has to be one of the best, if not the best chapter of the story so far. Really beautifully done, and now it all makes sense about Listi and why she is the way she is. Wow. What a wonderful chapter, I enjoyed it.
| PrincipalityJokes 3/24/12 . chapter 21
I wanted to compose some sort of coherent, emotional review to tell you just how wonderful this story is, how much I love the journey you've taken us on with these characters, but I'm currently at a loss for words. Just brilliant. Your description, the emotion, the intensity... marvelous. I hope Acco and Kelandi are okay...
| The lone canine 3/24/12 . chapter 20
Nooo! Cliffhanger endings, always suspenseful but at a time like that where the chapter ended, wow. Awesome chapter, I am anxious to read the next chapter, great job. And awesome ending to this one.