|Reviews for Parapluie Reminiscence|
| scrubbybubbles 9/26/12 . chapter 1
When I was reading this story, I was very much reminded of my own writing style. I appreciated how you were able to paint a vibrant picture of the umbrella in the reader's mind, since it really set the stage for the rest of the piece. I can see that much of your sentence structure is fairly well-crafted, which really adds more power to your words. I also wanted to thank you for not having the man pick up the umbrella, for it really accentuates his feeling of loss and regret. The fact that you were able to root your story securely in reality allowed the reader to connect with it better, especially when the man started reminiscing about the umbrella and his little sister. There were, however, an incredibly amount of grammatical errors for such a small piece. I listed the revisions below and tried my best to put all of my revisions in brackets. These errors really broke up the flow of the piece, making it less of an enjoyable read in my eyes. You did a great job with this piece and I hope my review (especially the criticisms) were helpful! Excellent idea for a story, by the way.
"[Although today was certainly not one of the worst] days he had ever experienced, [the fact that he felt done with it all undoubtedly made it feel like an incredibly crappy day] ."
"He continued to walk down the street[, constantly] glancing up at the [bleak] sky and down at the [wet] pavement."
"But to him, it [held a certain sentimental value]."
"It was obvious that it was thrown out [due to the fact that it could longer fulfill the function] it [had] once served."
"But the handle of the umbrella was what made the man stop to catch [his] breath. [delete the following-The handle was different than usual umbrellas.-]"
"It was intricately carved to [make it] look like vines had encircled the cylindrical handle and was even adorned with [tiny and carefully shaped] leaves."
"The man remembered [the] time his father brought a similar umbrella home to give to him.[H]is father had told him to cherish it because there were only a handful of such umbrellas in the world [delete the following-and that they all were all hand-crafted-]."
"fast as his feet could carry him, while his sister [trailed behind him,] shout[ing about] how he was"
"[He remembered how t]hose days in the park were so warm and so joyful, [now regretting how he had never appreciated those little games he had so frequently] played with his sister."
"He stared at the small item [for quite some time, allowing his brain to register] every detail, every groove, and every scratch. And then, for the first time [that] day, he smiled."
"and continued [on] his journey home, he couldn't help but [wonder] how [such an] insignificant [little] item could [possibly hold] such importance and meaning to him."
"[He felt that his spirits were uplifted now, riding on the wonderful memories of his sister. It seemed as if nothing could stand in his way now, no obstacle seemed as foreboding or problem as challenging.] [delete the following-He couldn't help but think how uplifted he now felt and how much clearer his mind was – it was as if any puzzle or maze – no matter how difficult, no matter how hard, no matter how confusing – was no challenge to him any longer.-]"
"[As he realized how truly wonderful his life has been,][delete the following-He couldn't help but think about how wonderful his life had been and would be. And as he smiled one more time,-] he couldn't help but think that sometimes getting lost did have its benefits after all."
Hope this helps!
| Solomon Sia 2/26/12 . chapter 1
I greatly enjoyed this short extract. The umbrella serves as a good metaphor for shelter, and I like the general transition of the person's mood from that of a pensive, uncertain state to a happy one. The memories are also extremely meaningful because they don't just encompass good times, but also childish things such as bullying a sister or being grudgingly nice to her. I like how all those uncertain emotions become happiness when looked upon from the future.
As a guy with sisters, I can relate to this well!
| AlmostSebastianMelmoth 12/25/11 . chapter 1
Aw, I wanted him to pick it up! Great story.
| Ed Harley 12/25/11 . chapter 1
To turn a walk down the street into an Interesting story takes skill. Still, I'm left to wonder why he didn't pick the umbrella up.