|Reviews for Kishi Kaisei|
| Guest 7/9/12 . chapter 17
It's complete? *sniff sniff* It's always sad to see good fics come to an end.
[Seishirou added. She scowled at them both.] - two different subjects, therefore should be in separate paragraphs, particularly since Setsuna speaks after that.
Aww, that was so sweet, Why everything in italics though. And I did wish to see how Hansuke died. Or read rather.
I'm really going to miss this fic.
| Small Wings Flying 7/10/12 . chapter 17
Hey? Where'd my review go? No fair FP. I can't remember what I wrote yesterday!
Anyway, let's see if I can salvage any of that. It was quite a bit longer than my more recent stuff.
[one of the paramedics asked in English, obviously confused, and she shook her head.] - considering the context you wrote that in, it would be better to have Setsuna's actions on the line with her dialogue. It's one too many commas otherwise.
[some of the most common drugs] - I think "more" common would be more accurate. Most is relative throughout time for one thing, and for another it's a great deal more specific.
[There was nothing to help them, no towels, no blankets, no water.] - the first comma should be a colon.
[Thank You] - the ending: you should probably put that in quotations.
There was something else too, but I can't remember what it was. I love the scene where Setsuna dies, but I wish I saw how Hansuke passed away. And that meeting at the end was well placed as well.
| professional griefer 7/3/12 . chapter 1
I think this was a bit too much. I thought you had too much description and not enough action, it didn't really grab me.
The dialogue was good, I could hear voices and it felt natural.
I liked the setting, but I thought you should have expanded on it in the prose rather than the author note, it felt like a cop-out.
I also thought with all of that prose, you could have explained a bit more about the world. You have paragraphs of very nice prose where not much happened, but you don't say much about the world. What year is it? I'm assuming it's in Japan, but unless I missed something you don't really say.
So it was very very nicely written, I just think it needs work.
| Small Wings Flying 6/19/12 . chapter 16
Come on you two, you can do it!
I think the dialogues were my favourite in this. I'm guessing you made the surgery up. Either that, or our micro. books are out of date. I wonder what happens if Hansuke shows up home first and finds Setsuna missing.
| Small Wings Flying 6/4/12 . chapter 14
I like how you've made it realistic and still happy. And Setsuna's stubbornness gets an opportunity to showcase itself again. It's surprising, for a somewhat sealed off world (what with the references to the outside and all) how much they know about modern medicine...as well as how little. Seems to suggest travel. The doctor's comments suggest that anyway, but it somewhat dampens the idea of Setsuna being an outsider with the segregation you had seemed to build up.
Thank goodness I caught this chapter though. Now I don't have to think about what condition Setsuna would have been in upon waking, instead focusing on the synthesis of sugars and fatty acids...
| Small Wings Flying 6/4/12 . chapter 13
Kawaii. Cute. :) Family bonding, healing, dying...everything rolled into one.
I'm afraid I might wind up missing your next chapter if it isn't up in less than ten minutes. I have an exam on wednesday sadly.
| Small Wings Flying 5/13/12 . chapter 12
Wow, what an ending. And what a difference Setsuna makes, doesn't she? An even deeper relation to her namesake.
Just two things:
“managed they much” – managed “that” much?
"Give me your haori," Seishirou asked" - asked is a bit of an odd word to use there, even if it isn't necessarily wrong. But it's not really a question to be "asked". Requested might work better there. Just a matter of context.
| Small Wings Flying 5/5/12 . chapter 11
Well, I'm all caught up now. So, you write fanfiction. No wonder you're so familiar with the japanese culture. Nicely written as usual. Slowly easing in the truth amongst all the lies and misunderstandings. I'm surprised they know what TB is though. It wasn't named till 1839 even if it has afflicted humanity since ancient times...but then again, that's not particularly recent. Does that mean this is set rather close to the end of the Feudal era, considering it ended in 1868. It might have been better to not mention the name; would have looser and less skepticism involved. I figured from the rest of the fic that it was a little earlier, considering the inter-clan wars. During the Edo period they were fighting against the emperor weren't they? Not that I know anything about Japanese history except the research my own fanfics demand...
Ignoring that, I see some of my points from earlier were a little useless. I would have waited, but then I would have forgotten and I figured it was probably a better idea to tell you what I was thinking at that point in the story. Why is Setsuna the only one to use honorfics though? And Setsuna never did finish explaining the reasoning behind her name. It sounds somewhat incomplete...unless someone is familiar with the kanji behind the name. Calm snow? I had to look it up, because it doesn't fit Sailor Pluto at all. But it wouldn't have hurt to clarify that.
Chika and Chiaki? You wouldn't happen to watch digimon would you? They're from Savers and Frontier respectively, but maybe that's because I'm such a digimon fanatic.
Anyway, everything's coming together nicely. I feel somewhat like an idiot after reading chapter four. That was totally my bad on the addressing. Setsuna's stubbornness also slowly showed itself, even if it hadn't been what I was expecting. I think your imagery has also improved throughout the course of the story, which is nice to see. You've slowly eased into the relationship between Hansuke and Setsuna which is also nice, and nothing wrong with the arranged marriages in the end, is there? Some people look down on it for some reason, but I find I much prefer that. But never mind that. We're left wondering what happened to Nami Amirashi (forgot how to spell it already) and whether Setsuna really killed him...but I think you should take a little time and describe her emotions as she calms over the thought. There was a time skip instead, which I was a tad disappointed in. I was so looking forward to that self-analysing.
Looking forward to more. I hope my manga comes out half as good once I finish proofreading the first chapter. :) Good luck with the rest.
| Small Wings Flying 5/5/12 . chapter 2
I love the way you’ve written this. Enough information so we’re not in want (for the most part; I’d have liked to see more of the gardening scene) but not too much that leaves us all muddled. Your language is beautiful too, and no real errors that are glaringly obvious (which means once I’m done, I’ll have to read it again) :). There were a few things though.
The Kiyone are traditionalists? Of what sort? You’ve mentioned quite a few Japanese elements and some olden day things, particularly the compound, which makes me think this is set in the Feudal Era. I’m assuming all the clans don’t get along particularly well from that. But what was it that gave Setsuna that impression. I would have thought the “looking him in the eyes” and “no servant” part would have somewhat rebuked the notion. Did her own clan inform her of such?
“He must have heard the worry in her voice and he slid open the door.” The action of sliding open the door acts as somewhat of a consequence of the previous statement, so it might be better to say “as” or something similar as opposed to “and”.
“"My father and his brother looked remarkably similar," he went on after a moment, "so much so…” Perhaps a fullstop instead of a comma? It stretches a little otherwise. One can define the sentence as being too long. There were a few other examples: some worked, others did not.
Considering the use of Nee-san and Ni-san, should Hansuke be addressing his uncle by name without any honorific at the end. It’s understandable that he addresses Setsuna without one, since they are married…even if it is arranged. Is that a sign of loss of respect or you’re simply not using honorfics? Considering the librarian addressed Setsuna in a rather casual manner too.
In your conversation between Hansuke and Setsuna in the second half of the chapter, as the reader we are forced to rely on Hansuke’s dialogue to see the emotion in Setsuna’s words. Perhaps a little description of her tone or her expression would help the matter there. Her words read almost like a dictation until Hansuke mentioned the bitterness.
There was a small mass of words (about three from memory) that somehow lost their spaces in between. Is that DocX? The uni computers always do that with me. The only other thing I could pick out so far was the mention of stubbornness in the first chapter. So far I haven’t seen any of that from Setsuna. Apart from that, this is excellently written; I’m putting it on my alerts list (it’s going to be so lonely there, lol). I’m looking forward the reading the rest.
Oh right, one more thing. Hansuke mentioned something about equals in the previous chapter, and yet he says nothing to Setsuna repeatedly addressing him as: My Lord. That seems a little contradictory.
Looking forward to the rest. I’ll try not to be too picky there. :)
| Prince Arjuna 4/13/12 . chapter 1
| YukiKitty 4/12/12 . chapter 9
Um. Wow. Plot twist! :D
I'm speechless..as usual. But my god. Of course this has to happen right when Hansuke and Setsuna are FINALLY getting close again. *cries*
Poor Setsuna though ): A long journey ahead is right..dang. 5 days. o_o
Alright, I can't wait for the next chapter! And my shipper heart will be overflowing with joy when Setsuna and Hansuke are reunited! :D By the way..seeing an email that you updated always puts me in a good mood. :)
| YukiKitty 3/24/12 . chapter 8
Oh my god. So. Um. Yeah. I'm totally NOT flailing right now. Nope.
This chapter. Oh my GOD. So many emotions. Between Hansuke visiting the site where his wife and child died and Hansuke telling Setsuna he loves her...wow. Just wow dude.
Which leads me to the next thing; HE SAID HE LOVES HER! :D I was almost happy crying, I swear. And she loves him back. Ahh! 8D
I can't take the fluff! It's too much for my shipper heart. *curls up in a ball* (but trust me I really REALLY love it.)
Can't wait for the next update! And I'm really glad you've got things situated now. :) Good to see an update from you in my mailbox! x
| YukiKitty 2/29/12 . chapter 7
Wow. That was kinda an intense chapter.
Poor Rie. ): But Hansuke saved the day! :D *cheers* This chapter made my shipper heart so happy oh my god. THANK YOU LOL. Anyway, I love the direction this is going and obviously they're going to get closer. *squee!*
As always everything's perfect and I can't wait until the next chapter!
| lessychan 2/28/12 . chapter 7
And now, I can breathe again! I'm so glad these two can talk comfortably again! I missed that feeling. (_) I just wish these moments didn't have to come after Setsuna gets injured in some way. She was very brave to protect Rie the way she did, though. I think I always had a lot of respect for Setsuna, but I think that one scene just proved it.
| lessychan 2/20/12 . chapter 6
I love Aina too. She's very reliable, good at talking to people, and so good at making anyone feel comfortable. Plus, she's basically the one that is slowly pushing the relationship between Hansuke and Setsuna in the right direction. And goodness gracious, this relationship needs some SUPER pushing, because it just hurts to see the way they communicate with each other sometimes. That one statement Setsuna made- "You taught me how"- was the prefect painful blow to Hansuke (and of course I'm sitting here, just thinking "OUCH.").
I'm sorry I reviewed so late, but this was a great chapter!