|Reviews for Where on Earth is Greenville?|
| TinfoilKnight 5/23/12 . chapter 16
Wow, it's been a while since you've updated this!
Description seems a little lacking in some places:
"There was an old De Havilland Beaver sitting at the dock, and a man climbing out of it." Wait, what's a Beaver? Okay, I looked it up, and apparently it's a seaplane. It's fine if you want to include the exact model, just make sure you include a bit of description so us normal folks can tell what it is without pulling up google images. And besides, what color is it? What condition is it in? ('old' doesn't really help much.)
"I glanced up and saw the hill he was referring to." What's it look like? She calls it a mountain, there's some mention of a plane crashed on it, then she calls it a hill. Gahh! I'm confused, is it a hill or a mountain? And is there an old plane wreck on it or something?
And you probably knew this was coming, but... the body. Hey, I just want to know what she's wearing, 'cause you don't mention it. I'm imagining her naked, for some reason. But she could just as easily be wearing prostitute clothes or whatever.
Other than that, loved it. Ira and Eddie are so cute together. :) Damn you, did you name the plane 'Beaver' just to throw me off? 'Cause every time that name showed up, I thought about... beavers, and not the brown furred kind with large teeth. Ugh.
Update soon! :)
| TinfoilKnight 4/5/12 . chapter 15
I would so die without Starbucks.
Loved the cow scene. However, I wanted more detail when she landed in the poo. What did it feel like? What did it smell like? Was it fresh and damp or old and dry? (Quit looking at me like that.)
And he was totally hitting on her. :) You can't convince me otherwise.
| TinfoilKnight 3/26/12 . chapter 14
Hey, I have an Intensity. It's bright metallic blue and useless for anything other than texting or calling.
Oh snap, he took Asia!
"The house was built to look like a small castle, entirely out of stone blocks that were a dark depressing gray. The whole place looked depressing or spooky." Reptition of depressing is repetitive.
The rest of the paragraph describing the house is a little rough. You include some nice details, but you expand each detail into multiple unnecessary sentences. The wall, for example - "Then there was the wall. The wall kept me from seeing more of the lawn and more details of the house. The wall was made of the same stone blocks as the house and the small outbuildings on the island. There was an enormous wooden gate for entry." I can't help but read those four sentences in a monotone. C'mon, you could fit all that into one sentence if you wanted. 'Then there was the wall made of that same stone, tall enough to block most of the estate from view, with an enormous wooden gate for entry, .' You sacrifice a couple minor details, but it's worth the cut from 48 words to 26.
Other than that, great chapter. Looking forward to more! :)
| TinfoilKnight 3/26/12 . chapter 13
Uh... Hi. *awkward wave*
The Greenville I know is somewhere off in rural Ohio, not sure exactly where. Only driven through it once or twice.
Gawsh, Brookland accents are so hot.
For some reason I really like the detail about the wolfhound and Swain offering to pay for it. It seems like there are a lot of people I've had similar experiences with - it's like accepting help from a creepily nice person will bind them to you forever. Almost like inviting a vampire into your house 'cause they're selling girl scout cookies. No, don't ask where that simile came from.
Agh, screw you... I'll critique the next chapter, I swear.
| TinfoilKnight 3/11/12 . chapter 12
Lovely chapter. Usually I hate the witty banter writers try to throw in, but the exchange between Eddie and Bart sounded very original.
Ira? Is that a guy's name? Duuude... I've never heard that before. But he sounds hot. Shall we see a love triangle in the next chapters? If you can even call Bart a love interest.
Ugh, I feel like I should be critiquing something in this chapter... Uh, here's a typo: "I decided to grab some Levi's to wear so that my legging wouldn't look odd with the shoes and we were off." Ha! Missed an S. I feel hat my usefulness quota has been fulfilled for this chapter.
Hooray, I'm officially caught up with my reviews! :) Update soon.
| TinfoilKnight 3/11/12 . chapter 11
LOL. That moose moment is absolutely priceless. I kinda wanted to see some snesory detail to really bring it to life, though - did that goatee tickle her forehead? What did the tongue feel and smell like (death, we learn later) against her face? :D
"It came to my window which was up because..." Eh... You mean down? From the rest of the scene, the window seems wide open.
Congrats, you've cured me of the desire to own a sportscar. Oh, and I drove through a town called Greenville today. It was small and cute, but unfortunately it wasn't in Maine.
| TinfoilKnight 3/10/12 . chapter 10
Damn you. Now I want a hamburger. No! You already had dinner, remember?
See, now the pacing in this chapter is perfect. It's like taking a stroll with delicious hamburgers and moose. And hamburgers. Betsy acts just like the waitresses in diners that I've met - everybody is miss or sweetie or honey.
The evil-guy-pays-for-dinner move was great for suspense. But poor Phillip sounds like he needs a day off. :(
| TinfoilKnight 3/10/12 . chapter 9
So... hi there! Due to a packed schedule and maybe a little laziness, I haven't reviewed any stories in, like, two weeks. Forgive me if repeat what I've said in other reviews, get really confused, or spontaniously forget the name and gender of your main character.
Third paragraph - starting with the third sentence, you start five consecutive sentences with 'I'. 'I was wishing', 'I was trying', 'I took', 'I remembered', and 'I think'. All five of these sentences are also pretty short, so that bit is just a little repetitive sounding and hard to read.
This whole chapter sounded pretty rushed, like you were trying to cram a bunch of information into just one chapter. Which you were, I guess. You summarized a ton of unnecessary information in this chapter, and a lot of it was in very short sentences. You didn't seem want to write about this stuff, so why did you? If you just said she landed in Maine at such and such time with some papers on Swain, nobody would jump down your throat asking if there were TVs on the flight. If you feel the need to skim over information, consider whether it needs a place in the story at all.
I like the part about the handcuffs, and the way she gets so pissed off at the car boy, then winds up realizing he's right.
"I was reduced to driving a hot little sports car in second gear in order to deal with the badness of the road." Of course you were.
| TinfoilKnight 2/24/12 . chapter 8
OMG last chapter!
"He's good people, Eddie." He's a good person... Or is it "They're good people?"
"Unfortunately, around here he's kind of like mosquitos." People like him are kind of like mosquitos, or he's kind of like a mosquito.
More good suspense. I like the cheese danish, we all know people who can't cook worth a damn. (And I'm one of them.)
Oh... It's not the last chapter. Yay! This has been enjoyable, and I look forward to the next chapter! I geuss I'll go compart it with the other version now. :P I need to gt a life.
| TinfoilKnight 2/24/12 . chapter 7
Hit submit too early, this one's for six AND seven. Blargh.
Love the description of Gary. He sounds absolutely disgusting, and I'm glad I've never met him and never will.
Missing comma: "You're a good guy Gary. I'll have my cell when you know anything." Should be after guy, I think.
On to CHAPTER 7
Ha. Knew Eddie and Bart had to have some sort of history, they were too passive agressive to just work together. :) I can totally see them cussing eacother out at a restaurant.
"Truthfully, I would like to lure him into a hotel and paint him gold from head to toe and leave him face down, buck naked on the bed." Lollers.
"Very well. We have the warrant for the arrest of the arrest of..." Eh? Yeah, arrest that arrest!
"No cheif, I don't believe she would ever behave in a poor manor as a police officer." Manor - manner?
First chapter I've seen from you where the editing wasn't flawless. Shame! :] You write dialogue very well. It's very dramamtic, and I'm surprised I didn't notice it before.
| TinfoilKnight 2/24/12 . chapter 6
*bashes head against keyboard* Why do I do this to myself? It's so looooooong... Three more chapters...
| TinfoilKnight 2/24/12 . chapter 5
Damn. That lady needs to slow down on the margaritas.
Can't say I'm surprised that Helen got herself killed. She's had 'serial killer fodder' written on her forehead since the second chapter. It was a little predictable. And yet, I still think there needed to be more leading up to her death. She didn't seem like it was in her nature to sacrifice herself, I just assumed she was going down because she was the main character's hooker friend. Maybe you could've put more emphasis on her reaction to the case and her anger at Chenille's death.
However, this was exactly what you needed to do to move this story to the next level... Gah. I'm torn. Time for another donut break.
| TinfoilKnight 2/24/12 . chapter 4
"My mother, Lillian Carrington, was a retired showgirl who'd married well." You established this in the first chapter, you're just repeating yourself here.
Hey, is her father Mark Twain? Watch me make a fool of myself trying and failing to guess the ending...
Ha, her mom is so manipulative. I love your character's reaction. Sorry, can't work on the case, have to go visit my psycho mother in her shrink-wrapped dress. Sometimes family suks.
"Mom suddenly stopped swaying to the music and gaped at me, eyes wide, like she'd seen a ghost." Oh... Am I right? D:
Well... At this point, it looks like they've already found the killer. Do you think that was a little too easy? C'mon, we're only halfway through the story. They shouldn't get it right on the first suspect, I don't think.
| TinfoilKnight 2/24/12 . chapter 3
"Look, you don't have to get involved in this. I just want you to keep an eye on those whores. I don't need any mmore dead hookers running around town. It looks bad on so many levels."
What an ass. I hate the word whore. He's so realistic, though.
Good suspense in this chapter. You're really building up the tension.
| TinfoilKnight 2/24/12 . chapter 2
"So, I'm looking for a guy who drowned a hooker in the desert that calls himself Mark Twain? Great. I may as well be looking for Batman." That's awesome. My sister is a closet Batman fan.
Helen's an interesting character, but I want to see a little more out of her - she seems smart and classy, and I don't know why she ended up as a hooker. As she is right now, she seems a little too good to be true. I guess we'll see more depth to her in the next chapters?
I feel sorry for Chenille. :(