|Reviews for Kenton Ullinskov, Book 1: Vacation in Chicago|
| MegaRdaniels 5/7/13 . chapter 26
Sorry, it's been a while since I read this fic. I read it extensively, took me a few weeks, minus that I had exams and the like. But I'm back now! Yay!
Anyway, let me start off to day that have you considering publishing this?
Well for starters, the action scenes were very well put together and such, and also the characters were likable, and interesting.
Nice job and keep up the good work!
| MegaRdaniels 1/1/13 . chapter 1
This was really good, despite the Obama cameo, this was really good.
I'm going to keep reading.
| FixedUrFic 8/24/12 . chapter 1
You definitely have a solid grasp of grammar. Nothing stuck out as a consistent issue in that respect, and even your dialogue was properly punctuated. Good job.
I do have some problems with your opening paragraph, though. It's all "telling" rather than "showing." This tends to trip people a lot, particularly in the first person perspective. Things like this:
"...a normal fifteen year-old with normal problems."
"...he is the opposite of me in most ways."
...are vague. They're the kind of things that should be shown through the characters' actions throughout the story rather than mentioned offhand.
When initially describing your character, try using the setting to your advantage. Maybe mention that Kenton's long legs are cramped behind the driver's seat to show that he's tall. You can also weave his hair and eye color more naturally into the scene by having them reflect back at him in the window.
Another thing I noticed is that you are actually using the real life president in your story. It's not wrong to do so, but be aware that politics is a divisive issue and things like this:
"Those who did not want him as president sat in the corner like fat and annoyed cats on a summer day. I wasn't one for cheering and stuff, but I bet that I had the widest grin on my face at the park that day."
...will immediately alienate half of your audience, like it or not. You'll see a lot in movies and such that the writers will make up a fictional president and not specify his party. That way the audience's focus remains on the story itself rather that the possible political leanings of the writer behind the curtain, which they may or may not agree with. It's just something to think about if you want your story to have broader appeal.
Other than that, the only other change I would make is to put the "seven months ago" scene at the beginning, and *then* introduce the present. The scenes will flow a little better if they're arranged chronologically.
| Peace.Paramore.PIE 3/30/12 . chapter 26
So, among homework, new books, and exercising my newly-found slightly disturbing sense of humor, I finally got around to reading this! And I have to say, you did an amazing job!
Sorry to say this, but I really don't know when I'm going to update. School keeps me pretty busy, and the writing part of my mind works best when it's not being forced to. Plus, I'm prone to getting weird ideas and absolutely having to write them down, until I run out of ideas. *sheepish grin* With any luck, though, I'll have a chapter up before April 15, at the latest.
Good luck with Ghost Virus!
| Peace.Paramore.PIE 3/3/12 . chapter 22
You know, we actually have a bit in common. We're both fourteen and we both like a lot of the same books.
Jack Starbright dies? No way! Now I have to FIND the final Alex Rider book and read it!
Random side note: If you've haven't seen the movie Cars 2, go look up Finn McMissile's theme music. It's pretty cool. D
Awesome chapters! I'm looking forward to the second and third books!
| TeenWriterPhenom 2/29/12 . chapter 21
PLEASE PUBLISH THIS!
| TeenWriterPhenom 2/26/12 . chapter 1
i love this.
| Peace.Paramore.PIE 2/24/12 . chapter 19
So sorry I haven't reviewed!
I like to wait until a couple chapters have piled up, then read them all at once. D
It's probably a bad habit, but at least I read!
Great job on this! I can never tell what's coming next!
| Peace.Paramore.PIE 2/12/12 . chapter 15
Very nice job. I just read your three latest chapters in a row...I was busy for the past week or so.
| Peace.Paramore.PIE 1/26/12 . chapter 10
Awesome job on the chapter. I'll try to update soon, but I've been really busy...
Update as soon as you can!
| Peace.Paramore.PIE 1/22/12 . chapter 9
An action-packed chapter! Sweet!
| asheepiage 1/21/12 . chapter 3
So far i really like it :D I'm up to the second chapter and cant wait to read more! :D asheepiage.
| Peace.Paramore.PIE 1/21/12 . chapter 8
Awesome chapter! I enjoy all these evil plots. They have a tendency to make a story more interesting, no?
| Peace.Paramore.PIE 1/19/12 . chapter 7
Very interesting chapter, if lacking in action. Nice job!
| Peace.Paramore.PIE 1/15/12 . chapter 6
Mae Govannen! (I'm a major Tolkien fanatic, "mae govannen" essentially means hello, well met, etc.)
Mae carnen! (Well done!)
I await your next update!
Na-den pedim ad! (Until we speak again, farewell, etc.)
(If the Elvish bothers you, I can quit using it.) D