|Reviews for Androids and Airships (Delayed)|
| Complex Variable 5/11/13 . chapter 1
Oy... my eyes. xD [She had received some improvements over the years but yet it was inevitable that within a few months perhaps as few as two, she would be deemed qualified only for patrolling or training new officers and would never see combat again. ] - - - Reading this is like tumbling down a staircase with my eyes. A very long staircase.
[four minutes."] - - - that period should be a comma.
[I can not ignore the fact that the electromagnetic signature is unmistakable despite that its source is at least thirty feet underground.] - - - This seems to be the only line of dialogue that is train-wrecky. Your dialogue here is quite good. Realistic, believable, easy to read, and well-suited to the scenario. Makes me think of all the nautical-esque stuff I've heard during dramatic moments on Star Trek shows. :3
["Repeat, class four metamorphosis detected."] - - - I have no idea what this means.
[ Any other signal would be smothered but its tripping up my sensors regardless.] - - - "it's"
[ I've felt the activations of as class threes before and this is not it."] - - - "activations" doesn't feel like quite the right word to use here.
["Hail the Fireheart, ] - - - You've been writing "Fire Heart" so far, so, pick one and make it consistent. Also, ship names should be in italics. Got it? :3
[The pulses have subsided mostly but they declined regularly, ] - - - you could find a smoother way of saying this, I think.
["Is the meta stable?"] - - - You seem to be using "meta" as a noun in its own right; clarification as to what it actually means would be much appreciated.
["Captain there seems to be a dead ] - - - should have a comma between "Captain" and "there".
As for the descriptions, here, the little stuff about the glowing glass sphere, the pipe-communication system, and the rudder-wheel are all nice. However, I'd still like to see a bit more description of Big Hen; I think that you're relying a bit too much on reader familiarity with the steampunk genre here. Letting genre tropes do your descriptions for you is, in my opinion, a very tacky thing to do. Besides, I want to see how you would see it, considering how much a knack you have for creating fascinating places and things.
[He reached the small panel he was expecting and inserted his key in its spot, turned it which activated a red light. He entered his code and the light turned green and then pulled the lever at the box's side.] - - - This isn't a train-wreck, but, it is written in a disjoint, hurried manner. Fix it please.
[The circular door flipped open and he was then staring at piles of electrical equipment that could be anything from sound recorders to calculators in his mind. ] - - - Train-wreck—minor one, but disastrous, all the same.
[She was the Cloud Breaker, in every way except authority and could probably manage the entire airship herself as a third class meta.] - - - This is confusingly written.
[ God knew why they'd stationed her on this miserable ship,] - - - They believe in Jesus in this fantasy world? xD C'mon, don't be lazy with religion world-building. ;)
[To only improve the situation... her intellect, or so he was told.] - - - TRAIN-WRECK.
[He would not allow a class four to fall once again into this country's hands to be used against his. He fired twice and with a blast of smoke, the bullets flew. ] - - - This sentence—which should be significant—falls far short of the import that it needs to have. Indeed, there's a structural weakness with this whole chapter, plot-wise. You have a nice idea for a plot: an aerial battle scene, and a botched assassination attempt. However, IMO, you need to expand and expound upon it quite a bit to have the desired effect. I would greatly lengthen this chapter. Instead of starting right as the bombing begins, have the story begin several minutes before the battle. Let us see Leto and the Captain and the other crew members going over last-minute details and preparations for the battle. This would have several advantages. One, introducing Leto at the beginning of this chapter (keeping his real motives a secret, of course) would make the ending of the chapter feel far less disconnected than it is at present. Secondly, a pre-battle conversation would give you an opportunity to include a few hint/pointers as to what, exactly, is going on. By mentioning the warring nations and their war and the Big Hen's purpose in it all, such an exchange/scene would help to give a more solid footing to the world and the conflicts that ravage it.
| Cursed Raver 1/17/12 . chapter 2
This was so much fun to read. The information was presented just right, so that I could understand what was going on, but still have questions. It was a great introduction to Levi (Whom I love, by the way).
I'm looking forward to finding out more about the characters and the world you've created.