|Reviews for I Cannot Give You That|
| DarkLadyKnight14 2/7/12 . chapter 1
this was awesome! I wish you would make it into a longer story...*hopeful eyes*
| LivieRose 1/21/12 . chapter 1
I enjoyed your story quite a bit! I have a few comments to make, though.
- There should be something between the author's notes and the story, as well as switching view points, to let the reader know what's happening. For the author's notes to story transit, it's pretty obvious, at least the first one, and for the view point changes it's not bad, but it's just a good idea over all.
-" he held out a large pouch full of enough money to last Arina a very long time." Sorry if this comment is just obnoxious, but why would he carry that much money around? It doesn't sound like he has any use for it, nor did he plan to free her. Also, the phrasing is kind of weird (again, maybe it's just me). I'd suggest "he scrounged in his pockest for money, and handed her a decent amount," if you want to change what's happening, or "he held out a larg pouch full of money, enough to last Arina a long, long time."
-"Arina stood there, watching the first person she had ever loved, walk away into the trees." You don't really need the second comma.
-" She willed herself not to cry, she had gotten good at it over the years, and she turned..." The commas make the sentance seem a bit long. Maybe hyphons? "She willed herself not to cry - she had gotten good at it over the years - and she turned..."
-"leant" you want leaned
-I don't really feel much of Arina's emotion. Yeah, I get that she's sad, and cry, but I don't feel her emotion because I don't know her thoughts. Try adding some.
Overall, it's a great story that could use a little work. But I like it. )
| name redacted 1/16/12 . chapter 1
The writing here is strong. It all flows well. There are a couple of minor mechanical issues, mainly involving periods rather than commas inside quotation marks when tagging dialogue, as in ""I want that." Arina stated." After "that" there should have been a comma. You may want to proofread, and look up guidelines for punctuation surrounding quotation marks, since this trips up a lot of people.
As far as the story itself goes, the characters have good chemistry. They interact smoothly with each other. I definitely got a sense that Zytan cared about Arina, though reading this, the love felt platonic, like they cared about each other the way that siblings might. The way that this is written, it does feel like the characters have a history with each other.
I'm curious what the stakes are; what kept Zytan from setting Arina free until now? What consequences does he incur? Why is this action significant?
Again, very well written. The characters are fun to read, and they fit together well.