|Reviews for That Girl|
| TinfoilKnight 4/4/12 . chapter 7
| Starsis 3/24/12 . chapter 2
Hey I'm just like them. I read at lunch and sit at an almost empty table! It's funny, really! This is a really great story, and I can connect to it because I'm just like them
| skaterofthebooks 3/15/12 . chapter 7
That's okay :)
Okay. Now that's just creepy, why do you have LELA in the title of this chapter? Because it makes me feel as if you are talking directly to m, for Lela is how my name would be sPelt if the spelling was Phonetically.
| TinfoilKnight 3/10/12 . chapter 6
Brick abuse? Shame on you! Bricks are made of dirt, which contains rotting plant matter, which comes from... Living plants! You plant-kicker!
Okay, let's see. Younger sister knocks over coffee cup. Father slaps her and... stabs her with a stick?
First, what was a stick doing in the kitchen? Second, why did he stab her with it? I understand your desire to show the father as an abusive bastard, but I'd rather you go for the subtle route and just have him slap her, at least until we know the character better. We're supposed to believe that this man would stab his daughter with a stick over his coffee? Without any buildup or characterization it doesn't seem realistic, and it's sudden and hard to take. It also flattens the father into Teh Evil Abuser, and nobody wants to read about a cardboard cutout. Villains are much more terrifying when they're real.
Eh. Seems like you haven't updated in a while. Please continue! I don't care if it's a month from now, it's worth the wait! D:
| TinfoilKnight 3/10/12 . chapter 5
Do you by any chance know what bariatric means? 'Cause there's an ad for bariatric grabola bars, and it's bothering me.
"...and I shoved my bag inbetween me and Dexter (a friend)" Resist the urge to explain! I already assumed he was part of the mosh pit, you don't need to tell me. Remember - your audience is smarter than you think.
That ice cream metaphor is adorable, by the way.
Ha, I live in a tiny suburb where everybody just walks. Four blocks from my house to school. Buses have tickets? *is fascinated*
Uh-oh... Her family's abusive? Watch out. Abuse - especially physical abuse - has been done to peices. Please, don't fall in the angst sinkhole! I like this story!
| TinfoilKnight 3/10/12 . chapter 4
OMG, it's loong! D: (well, for this story...)
The way you rewrite the scene in another POV is cool, especially when it shows emotion the reader wouldn't pick up otherwise. However, make sure it really does do that, and you aren't just repeating yourself - in this chapter, I didn't learn much from evangeline's point of view.
...Did she really just call him Laur-Laur? :D LOL.
| TinfoilKnight 3/10/12 . chapter 3
Yes, I'm going to review every chapter. DEAL WITH IT!
LOL, the awkward walk...
"At this point I realized I didn't even know the girl who I had just decided to visit's name." Ouch... That's a mouthful of a sentence. Well, since we already know he's decided to visit this girl, you can shorten 'the girl who I had just decided to visit' to 'this girl'.
I was about to call this story predictable, but her reaction changed everything. Wow, I wasn't expecting the outburst...
That was cute. :) I love the short chapters, reading this story is like eating potato chips. Can't stop now!
| TinfoilKnight 3/10/12 . chapter 2
Aww... I feel so bad for her, I've never been on a date, either... :(
| TinfoilKnight 3/10/12 . chapter 1
Uh... Hello there! I'm very sorry about the wait.
Well, I guess you didn't write this. But anyway, I like it too - realistic, very good hook. Makes me want to read on. :)
| Felicia Huey 3/9/12 . chapter 6
I likey... This is good, you're a good writer!
| Nami98 3/8/12 . chapter 6
OH I LOVE IT. Keep up the awesomeness :D
definitely looking for more(:
| skaterofthebooks 2/14/12 . chapter 6
This is great! I love the family!
With your writing. You have some tense mix ups, and places were you almost repeat the same thing, so either it's a mistake, or a comma is missing.
Again, you're welcome.
| donelooking4thecritics 2/6/12 . chapter 5
awesome! phoenix light your first chapter is incredible! seriously! filled with so much emotion and everything :) keep writing pleeeeease! can't wait to read more xx
| donelooking4thecritics 2/6/12 . chapter 4
its still awesome! i mean its not a surprise but its just written so well that i can like picture it all in my head! i seriously need to read quicker coz i can't wait to see what happens next :) xx
| donelooking4thecritics 2/6/12 . chapter 3
this story is really shaping up to be brilliant! it already is! its just so captivating :) i NEED to know what happens! xx