|Reviews for Singed, The basic version|
| Revamp 5/1/13 . chapter 6
This chapter was interesting. Nice action sequences and I liked the part with the boy. Although it's odd that James would just automatically add people to his family with no friction against it. That is my only real problem with this chapter. Looking forward to your new update.
| Revamp 5/1/13 . chapter 5
This chapter stirrs mystery and talks about James' powers more in detail as well as brings faves back from your other stories. Great job.
| Revamp 5/1/13 . chapter 4
This capter provided a lot of nice build up. It's nice to see your detectives from Monday Night Murders back as well.
| Revamp 5/1/13 . chapter 3
This continues to tell James' story and provides background on Chase, but what exactly is signed? It's not been explained.
| Revamp 5/1/13 . chapter 2
This chapter was short and to the point. Very interesting as well.
| Revamp 5/1/13 . chapter 1
So far, your premise is thought envoking and interesting.
| Small Wings Flying 12/2/12 . chapter 5
[To put it in the simplest terms, yes I freaked out.] – I think that would have been more impactful if you finished the sentence at “yes”. That had more of a punch. As it is, the extra bit tagged on without a pause lessens the impact thereof.
Once again, I think you’re not framing your dialogue in the best possible light. Your speaker tags also lose impact there; by putting them first so often you over-emphasise them and that seems to have the opposite effect since it doesn’t make a particularly captivating beginning to a sentence.
[I grinned and I lied "I] – too many eyes in too free words.
[Dark Matter stepped out of the shadows and said "The fourth jewel found at the Red Greenwood Hospital. The morons will be too late before I take this Jewel. " He snagged the jewel and placed a rock in its place. He left behind a note. It read "A little too late this time Detectives, my next stop is the Blue Nerd Home." True to his nickname, Dark Matter disappeared into the shadows.] – I’d like to see this scene more fleshed out. It sounds pretty interesting, but it’s all in the same paragraph and I feel like I’m not getting everything I could be getting out of it.
| Small Wings Flying 12/1/12 . chapter 4
[I awoke to bright yellow lights. Lights that felt like they could shock me in an instant and kill me, they felt so real.] – I think, while that first sentence was a good beginning, the second sentence takes quite a bit away from it. One way you could improve that would be to merge the two sentences together; another would be to split the paragraph after the first line and write it as a regular-format sentence as opposed to a fragmented one.
Another thing would be to vary the way you format your dialogue. You’re used the “I/he/she said/asked: ‘…’” too much in my opinion. There’s no need to overdue it, but it would be better to change things around a little. Break up dialogue to give it more of a frame for example. Things get redundant after a little.
Also, I'd recommend scrapping that second sentence of your A/N; leave it to the readers. :)
| Highway Unicorn 10/25/12 . chapter 2
[...into a warped Reality full of sharp super...] I think 'reality' should be lowercased...unless it's a name of a world/city/place, but it doesn't seem to case in this sentence.
I like the plot, it's interesting and i basically have a soft spot for stories around a character and how they were alter/changed into something else, kind of like superhero stories.
What I didn't like in this chapter was the lack of detail. Yes, you told us the basics about James, but very straigh forwardward, which turns the readers away. Adding in some detail can help make these facts stronger and more interesting to read. The information you have is good, just plump it up with detail and you'll have a perfect chapter. :D
| Jax Creation 10/24/12 . chapter 2
Eh, there is a lot of passive narration there at the beginning and I'm not a big fan of just blurting out character descriptions. To be honest the first part just feels like an info dump.
Personally I would have liked to see more of a build up to the accident, a little more tension, a little more drama. It just sort of... happens so there's not much of an impact.
But I will say I'm interested in how this is going to change James's life. From the prologue it sounds like you've a lot in store for the poor kid and I want to know what :3
| Jax Creation 10/23/12 . chapter 1
Short, simple, and sweet. :3 I love it when I find prologues like this-I really envy the people who can hook their readers with a few simple lines. (It is a skill I envy very much)
I really like how you defined the word "accident" (Though I agree with Small Wings Flying, personally I think it should be italicised or put in quotes), it really emphasises how this one random act of chance is going to have an impact on the MC.
However, I feel like "It was an accident which changed my life..." should start in the new paragraph-but that's just my personal opinion. (People have told me that I tend to break my paragraphs up too much XD)
Anyway, this sounds great, really mysterious. I look forward to reading more!
| professional griefer 10/23/12 . chapter 6
Blue Nerd House? lol, that's...interesting.
I wasn't a fan of the name PyroWings, it just seems like you're stating two attributes of dragons and I thought you could have come up with something more interesting.
And I dislike your dialogue infodumping. Example: ["I know that is where all our money comes from."] I feel like you could say these things in narrative, because obviously the dad knows that's where their money comes from.
Your dialogue is getting a bit more natural, but I think it still needs work.
Also, one last thing I didn't like: you rarely use contractions. Think about it, don't you usually use contractions? It's just tedious not to have them, and certainly unrealistic.
| Faithless Juliet 10/23/12 . chapter 6
I liked the connection that you showed between Alexia and James. I could tell that they were close friends (maybe something more) but I do want to point out that the scene where he went into her room was very heavy on dialogue. I would have liked to see more descriptive action in that scene to balance it out.
I like how you’re leaving the reader with tiny hints about dark matter – usually at the end, but because they’re so short you leave the reader more perplexed than satisfied with the tension building technique. Your chapters are usually pretty short but I think you could easily build on these images and it would not be a bad thing. Keep up the good work.
| Katsurou Shimizu 10/22/12 . chapter 5
Wow, so you did put in a dragon. And I liked the fact that the father lied to his son in order to protect him, and that part kinda reminded me a bit of Superman for a reason. I'll be interested to find out more about that planet Terra. However, I'm kinda disoriented by the multiple viewpoints in this chapter, which disrupted the reading experience for me, especially when the two viewpoints are so short due to the lack of transaction.
| Katsurou Shimizu 10/21/12 . chapter 4
Ah, I like the superhero setting and from your AN it seems that you are going to throw in a dragon into the mix. It would certainly make for an interesting combination. I thought Alexia's father was also pretty witty here in terms of making light of the situation, which is admirable considering that her daughter has just landed up in the hospital. What I didn't quite like was that certain portions of the dialogue were stiff and unnatural, like for instance: the one where Alexia says: "So I hit my best friend, James?" You just don't hear people say that, I mean it's kinda obvious that she knows it's her best friend. A possibly better substitution would be like: "Did I hit him?", which would flow better with her father's reaction.