|Reviews for Singed, The basic version|
| Highway Unicorn 10/21/12 . chapter 1
I like this prologue; it's short and sweet. You did what you had to do by stating that the speaker has changed, therefore, has a life to show to the readers.
And I also like the small bit of mystery you've created in this little prologue. "...all due to an accident that started with a simple short circurted wired which changed my life forever." It really makes me wonder what exactly happened, and why it happened.
Anyways, overall, this was a nice prologue that leaves me wanting to learn more. :)
| professional griefer 10/17/12 . chapter 5
First off the bat: [Did I just that hotel property?] Just...what? Burn down? Destroy? This is a pretty major oversight, I would fix it. Also, again, stiff dialogue.
I didn't like all your switches in this chapter, it made everything a bit confusing and harder to follow than it normally is.
Also I didn't like the name Terra for a planet, because Terra means Earth.
I did like the tension in this chapter, the action is getting more exciting.
I also loved the fact that you included a dragon, it was so unexpected and sudden that it made me laugh.
It's getting better.
| Faithless Juliet 10/17/12 . chapter 5
I like how you’re weaving traditional fantasy motifs, like dragons, with more new age supernatural aspects like vampires and werewolves, and so far they are interacting well to create a dynamic story. I like how Hunter could make the dragon egg hatch, I have a feeling that kind of power will come in handy in later chapters.
Something you might want to think about working on is the dialogue in this chapter. It felt very jerky and uneven to me, and in reading it it didn’t sound as clean as it could have. Here’s an example:” James grinned and said "Thanks Dad, you are the best." I think you can get read of “and said” because you overuse that term a lot. You could change it to “James grinned, “thanks dad…”” because we already know that he is the one speaking, therefore the “and said” is a bit redundant. Keep up the good work.
| Anihyr Moonstar 10/17/12 . chapter 6
I like that Alexia seems to be a girl who generally has it together - and can keep it together under stress. She shows herself to be a good friend to James and is clearly someone he can trust and rely on to confide in.
The interaction with Aaron was a little off to me. It feels like the transition between puzzled wonderment to sobbing hysterically had no...well, transition phase. It seems like there ought to have been *something* there to show here he is at point A, startled and confused, there he is at point B spotting his mother, taking it all in, gradually breaking down, and THEN he hits point C where he's openly sobbing - even if it only takes a few seconds in story time, they ought to be mentioned.
Also, he doesn't seem to talk like a four-year-old to me. His vocabulary/sentence structure/thought processes all seem indistinguishable from older characters.
| Katsurou Shimizu 10/10/12 . chapter 3
Too much info-dumping. Something happens: father becomes angry, and the narrator stops short to explain why father might be dangerous because...
It breaks the flow of the story.
| Faithless Juliet 10/10/12 . chapter 3
I like the buildup of plot in this chapter, although it is very short. On the plot angle I liked ho you gave the reader a lot of information and back story about the characters. I also liked the fact that she tried to protect her father and the doctor, it was a good use of character building. In terms of the length I think it would improve the story a lot of if you added more detail. I feel like these are just *scenes* rather than chapters. Don’t be afraid of detail, the reader wants to learn more about your story, don’t just give them tiny snippets, give them the whole world.
| Katsurou Shimizu 10/10/12 . chapter 2
I like how your prologue hooks me in with a foreign concept "singed" by using a personal definition.
That said, you could possibly try to cut down on the telling and showing a little more, because they is simply too much passive language. "I was a seventeen year old..." "I was built very lanky..."
And there are also missing punctuations and grammar errors, so you might want to take note of that.
| Anihyr Moonstar 10/5/12 . chapter 5
I like that, even through the trauma of everything going on, father and son can still have meaningful - almost light hearted interactions. It lends a happier vibe to an otherwise tense scene, and reinforces the idea of their family bonds.
It's also refreshing to see positive family relationships in general. These days it seems that parents who are cruel to, indifferent to, or otherwise failing to take care of their kids somehow are very common. Since I had a positive relationship with both of my parents, I like to see good parents in fiction too.
[This was his first power and it was a reat moment for me and a horrible though for my mind.] Real* moment and horrible thought*? I think, I'm not sure, but at the moment, that's my best guess for what you meant.
["I can't tell him the truth about being from a planet which is not Earth, a planet called Terra and I can't tell him about the secret that no one knows. The power I have over something which no one should know. It keeps me on alert especially since that psychopath Dark Matter is here."] I feel like this is again, fairly awkward info-dumping. When we think, we don't generally...lymn things out like that. Also this part 'from a planet which is not Earth, a planet called Terra] is redundant. If you just said [a planet called Terra] we would know that it was not Earth, and you wouldn't need the extra words.
[...the secret that no one knows.] Okay. I know sometimes secrets are shared, but *generally* the idea of a secret is that no one knows...so this feels again like unnecessary extra words.
[It was a small dragon with red wings, yellow colored skin and it was small.] It was a small dragon...and it was small. You don't need to say it twice.
| Small Wings Flying 10/5/12 . chapter 2
I think your first paragraph has too much going on in it. I’d separate the description of himself from the life story he gets into. That would help put each of those into perspective. And perhaps while you’re at it give a little detail as to physical appearances at that point as opposed to after going off on a tangent and then returning. That way you’ve set up the “before” character before telling us how he changed.
I like however how he’s so obsessed about the accident because it keeps on drawing my attention back to it, giving it an omnipresent sort of feel, so everything I see of him, it makes me think: ‘okay, how does this relate to the accident I don’t know much about yet?’ Good way to keep that central focus.
You’re missing punctuation in some places too. Comma and fullstop.
| Anihyr Moonstar 10/5/12 . chapter 3
[...they were burning red hot lights that burned.] Burning lights that burn. I would take out one of those 'burns' - as it is it sounds very redundant.
[They were orange and red and even a touch of black I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore and the paramedics arrived and I passed out.] This is a run on sentence:
[They were orange and red and even a touch of black.] Sentence. [I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore.] Sentence. [The paramedics arrived, and I passed out.] End.
[The reason I don't have a formal last name is that my dad is a famous scientist who invented a lot of weapons and machinery.] I'm confused. Why is this a reason not to have a formal last name?
[What make my dad so dangerous?] What *makes* my dad so dangerous? Or what *made*. Not what make. [You must be wondering what makes this man so dangerous] You just said this in the last sentence, no need to repeat it here. [I can answer that you for you.] This also feels a little redundant, since the answer should normally fall directly after the question - still, even without the extra word baggage, it's more of this "telling" not "showing". The point of a story is to weave together all these characters and help us learn about them. If you tell us everything, there's no room for showing us in the story.
Interesting last sentence. A first taste of James' new powers. Strong way to end it, though there are grammatical errors in it. Should be: [My dad said, "James, you are literally burning down the wall."]
| Anihyr Moonstar 10/4/12 . chapter 4
Multiple first person narratives are awkward for a number of reasons. First, there are *very* few (if any) things a FPN can achieve that a third person narrative can't, and any bonus a FPN might have is due to the very unique voice of the narrator. Whenever you break it up into separate narrators, that voice is diluted, and it can be difficult for the reader to pinpoint who they're dealing with. I have yet to read a story that uses multiple first person narrators that I really think fully succeeds at it. (Some do an alright job of it, but I haven't seen anything that makes me think multiple FPNs worked *best* for that story.)
The first paragraph felt like a big "tell" session (the author "telling" the audience bunches of things in succession). Important background on characters is the sort of thing we ought to learn about as we read along, not be told (ideally).
[...who likes shiny objects.] This does not sound professional at all. I have a hard time imagining a news reporter saying this unless he's trying to crack a joke.
I liked the character of Alexia's father this chapter. Though the dialogue was a *little* awkard at points, he came off as reasonably light hearted and caring, and that was nice to see.
I am with Alex in wondering what this random villain meant by suddenly calling her "heroine" for no apparent reason. The sense of mystery there is good. :)
| professional griefer 10/4/12 . chapter 4
This is another instance of stiff dialogue, it may be even worse in this chapter. You really need to loosen up and study some real teenagers.
["So I hit my best friend, James?"]. I cannot abide by this sentence. I would just say James, and then have her think something like 'oh god, I almost killed my best friend', because if he was really her best friend, wouldn't her dad know who she was talking about?
I also didn't care for this Dark Matter guy, because who describes their own powers to their enemy? Why reveal what you're gonna be able to do? That just seems a bit idiotic to me.
I know I'm being kind of harsh, but I really want you to be able to take my criticism to improve your story.
I'm not trying to be mean, just honest.
| professional griefer 10/4/12 . chapter 3
First thing I notice is [I muttered and said]. Muttered and said are both speaker tags, which do you mean? You should be more careful with which words you use.
I really liked the sentence [whenever someone ticks off my dad, it usually ends in a dead body and us moving again]. It was really original, amusing, and unexpected. Nice job with that.
I don't like James's dialogue, he does not seem like a normal 17-year-old. What teenager says 'why must you be so stupid'? He's just a bit stiff, you should listen to everyday speech and write like that.
This is picking up a bit, but it still could use some improvement.
| professional griefer 10/4/12 . chapter 2
I really didn't care for the first two lines. Starting with the narrator's name is not a hooking first line, and then instantly infodumping about why he doesn't have a last name is not looking promising.
Also, your description of your MC is kind of unnecessary, telling us everything up front is a bit boring and makes me kind of ancy to get to the action.
Your description of the accident is confusing, the action was muddled and didn't leave as big of an impact as you were probably trying to go for.
So this needs some work.
| Anihyr Moonstar 10/4/12 . chapter 2
[I filled the container with water and got it wet.] This seems like a strange thing to say. If you filled it with water, of *course* it got wet, but saying "got it wet" almost sounds like you dunked it in water or splashed it or something. It has entirely different connotations.
[I waited for hours but the coffee never came up.] Hours? What seventeen year old waits for hours for *anything*, let alone something that should only take a few minutes? I would think he'd have gotten suspicious earlier than that.
[I pulled the wire out of the pot...] The pot has wire in it...? I don't really understand any of what follows, since I've never experienced a coffee *pot* with wire in it. A coffee maker maybe, but not just a pot.
Also, I kind of expected to find out how this accident resulted in super powers this chapter, since you mention them in the opening paragraph. It's very short and feels like it ends before it really began. Ah well.
I like that you seem to have a clear idea in your head at least of this kid's story. I think you could bring it to life a lot better with maybe some bulking up - filling in details and taking the pace a little slower (or just putting more in each chapter). In the end, though, it's your story and simply writing it will help you improve. Good luck. :)