|Reviews for The Battle For Altair|
| Grammatical Assassin 7/24/12 . chapter 19
Awesome, Awesome, Awesome! 200% improvement. Easy to read and the environment is coming together nicely. I have a list I'm going to send you, it's just a bunch of good speech tags to help with thinning up character descriptions after a tag.
"Even the tone of his voice gave away that he had been under immense stress.
| QuickTricky 7/14/12 . chapter 18
Hello again, It has been a while and I can see you've been rather busy. Excellent progress on your story by the way. It indeed has all the makings of a truly epic Sci-fi. I think I have mentioned this to you before, but here it goes anyway. I think you're a terrific writer, you let your emotion and imagination lead the story. I find many writers are a bit to mathematical in their approach, very little emotion and almost no imagination. I did have some suggestions, but they have nothing to do with what you're writing but instead simply how you are writing it.
1. Each characters dialogue should always be on its own line
" There was nothing else I could've done " said Mira.
" You did all you could " said Eric.
2. 'ALWAYS' describe the environment
every little nuance you can provide to saturate the reader with feelings. When one of your characters is tossed against a wall by a sudden explosion, he/she has to feel something, he/she has to be thinking something, is he/she frightened is he/she stunned and so on.
3. and last but not least. Relax. there is no shortage of space when it comes to telling a story, you could easily fill up an entire chapter simply explaining the step by step events that lead up to every major climax, this will not only give the reader a better understanding of your characters but it will also add purpose to everything that is happening as well as everything that is about to happen. Moreover not every chapter needs a major moment. Sometimes it can be a nice break to kick back and get to know the characters better or reflect on everything that has occurred up to this point. Actually I find this will often provide me with sudden inspirations, new pieces of a puzzle I hadn't even realized I was putting together.
Well that's it. I hope you find my critique to be of some use, and don't slow down, give up, get frustrated, or lose focus. somehow I feel that one day I will be in a book store somewhere and I will see your name, and I will be able to tell people " Hey, I knew that guy when he was just getting started! " :)
| koyama 2/5/12 . chapter 1
i believe your story could be good but for this it's important that your readers can read your story without a problem.
for example, in your first chapter there is only one paragraph but there are at least four people speaking. if you dont write all the time something like mika thought, mika spoke to herself, orderd the captain, rolandd asks his comander...
than you can use more small paragraphs. it lenghen the story and is something i for myself often cannot stand but it can be useful or even necessary.
and maybe one more thing for me it looked like i should allready know the charakters, where they are, that they are on some battleship with xy persons on the ship, that they are humans? and so on. even if you like action from point zero there need to be some introduction. nothing long but at least some words and if it only is some something like the brunette thought, the battleship crew was small but they were knitted together like insantglue or something like that ...
one question for my curriosity, with alpha centauri, you don't mean the one mentioned in (i think it was) deep space nine or?
okay, i'm sorry if you don't think my input was useful but since i like to read this kind of think (normally) but it was, for me, to troublesome to read more than the first chapter because of this points mentioned above i thought maybe this could help you for your first three chapters and the later ones.