|Reviews for Carriers|
| Lolitroy 5/24/13 . chapter 2
I liked this chapter better than the old one. Nice pace, and easy to understand :D
Although I still find the characters a bit vague. Don't know who is who because I think you introduced too much people in little time.
Aside from that, the story's been enjoyable so far.
I'll be reading/reviewing later because FP for cellphones is a pain.
| Jun Li Kanashii 5/21/13 . chapter 1
The fact that a room holding such a dangerous disease is unguarded is a bit far fetched, as is the fact that all the kids were immune.
Other than that there are a few typos and grammar issues, but the story is good and I enjoyed the characters. Keep it up.
| Lolitroy 5/21/13 . chapter 1
First of all, nice summary.
Second, nice idea.
Third, I found the opening kind of awkward. Can't really explain it, but I just didn't get what was happening, same with most of the chapter. I had to reread. But again, I say this 40% of the times I review, so don't pay much attention, haha. Another thing is, I don't get who is talking and when. And some tenses are messed up.
Also, I agree with the review below. The "cliffhanger" seems like a desperate attempt to draw readers in. I know it isn't, but it seems. So, y'know.
Anyway, I think the idea overall is pretty good. Nice research, because it's actually estimated we'll be 10 billion by 2015. I don't think that will happen, but anyway, there's a possibility right?
You should rewrite, rephrase or whatever. The story is good, there are only some... technical problems. Okay? Soooo good luck, and farewell.
| Dreamers-Requiem 5/19/13 . chapter 1
I find it odd that there isn’t more security, especially for something that can release a deadly disease. I’d strongly suggest maybe setting this further in the future; as it is, 2015 is too close, and it’s unrealistic to think the world population would go up by that much in two years. The chapter feels crammed, like you’re trying to get everything across all at once. I would suggest spacing out the characters a bit more. As it is, it’s difficult to follow who is who and what they’re all doing when you describe them all at once. You could introduce the main few in this and introduce the rest in later chapters; we don’t have to know everything about them all at once. [Shay felt like she had just read a novel that ended with the most dramatic cliffhanger one could ever formulate.] This line bugged me. It’s very much in your face, like you’re trying to shove the idea of a cliff-hanger at the reader. In fact, you don’t need a lot of the last paragraph. Ending it at the television going blank would work as a strong enough cliff-hanger on its own. One thing I would also suggest is watch out for redundant words, such as then. More often than not, it’s not needed, and the sentences can really be tightened by ‘then’ being deleted. Good luck, and hope this helps.
| Smonorkith 5/5/13 . chapter 1
The premise of this story is very intriguing indeed and this chapter ended in a very good place, leaving me thirsty to find out more about this Blue Plague.
Your descriptions of characters were nicely detailed, however they seemed to be a little bit crowbarred in, in my opinion. It might help the flow a bit more to bleed details of characters and names gradually, rather than letting it all flood out at once.
There are a few minor spelling and grammar issues but they've probably already been pointed out in other reviews so I shan't waste time on them, but I must mention one point that I found very confusing. Earlier on in the chapter you said there were 9 teens and then changed to 8 later on.
All in all though, a very interesting story here, I look forward to reading more.
| RemnantsOfSyreal 5/3/13 . chapter 27
Now this chapter I like. It's got some poignancy, and it helps flesh out the characters a little more. It also highlights just how chaotic their mental state has to be. The dichotomy between the last few chapters and the imagery presented here is fantastically well done, and it serves the story well. It's nice to get a chance to get inside their heads a bit and see what's going on under the surface, that's something you could get away with doing more of rather easily.
It's also nice for a dose of reality to get thrown their way. After all, as you stated, they've gotten lucky thus far. That luck finally ran out, and one of them paid the ultimate price for it. That's life, and that's reality, and it's fantastic that you're giving a nod to that. Perhaps rattling their cages a bit might ultimately be for the best, because it looks to me like they've all been given a rather fatal wakeup call.
As always, keep up the good work and keep cracking away, it gets better and better as you go on. And as always, feel free to PM me with any questions/comments/etc, you know where to find me.
| RemnantsOfSyreal 5/3/13 . chapter 26
"You people are sick. Just downright sick." - I am forced to agree with him on that point. The improbable firearm skills coming from a bunch of scared teenagers I can ignore, because it's easy enough to suspend disbelief there. What I can't feel is sympathy, for any of them. They basically told the officers 'either we shoot you or we infect you'. That isn't really a choice, not when the outcome is the same. It's death, either way, one manner slow and one a bit more laborious, but death all the same.
I really, really want to feel for these kids, I do, but honestly they're all riding the line between psychopathy and sociopathy. Again, I ask - is that the intent? If it is, and we indeed have a set of Villain Protagonists on our hands, then you've done a fantastic job. I'm reminded of some of Stephen King's work - he's notorious for having material where there are no good guys, only bad guys and worse guys, and he's known pretty well for fucked up twists and endings, as well. If that's what you were aiming for you nailed it dead bang.
| RemnantsOfSyreal 5/3/13 . chapter 25
Not a bad chapter, but not much happens here. Honestly this material would probably be better suited by being broken up and integrated with the prior and the next one. Aside from that, though, the writing is solid and the pacing flows smoothly. Adroit of you, if I say so myself.
| RemnantsOfSyreal 5/3/13 . chapter 24
I'm still struggling with the notion that the very same people who have infected and essentially murdered hundreds have a problem with a bit of gunplay. That being said, they're teenagers, and I could see a teen having that kind of backwards dichotomy, my own teenage years aren't quite so far behind me that I've forgotten how fucked one's head can get.
The chaos and mayhem of this chapter sets a nice tone, it really lets you get into the maelstrom, so to speak. I'm not sure who to root for at this point, but it makes for a fun read as always.
| RemnantsOfSyreal 5/3/13 . chapter 23
Glad to see you've been cracking away at it, your writing has improved since the last few chapters. Excellent.
The concept of a bunch of teenage girls trying to pass themselves off as Hooters girls gave me a pretty good laugh, it was so absurd. Nicely done there.
The scene is relatively well set, and everything is clear and easy to picture (IIRC, one of your strengths my friend). I'm still having a hard time trying to wrap my head around just why they are so hell bent on intentionally infecting as many people as possible, though. Did they buy into what the CDC guy said to them in the beginning, have they suffered some kind of psychotic break, what have you? It just seems from my perspective that the natural human reaction would be to avoid contact with others like the very plague they carry, not intentionally help fan the flames of the epidemic. I'm guessing you'll probably be showing us the why of that in the chapters to come, so it gets a pass for the time being. As I said, I'm glad you've been cracking away at it, with each chapter your writing gets better and smoother, and it's pretty cool to be able to watch it unfold.
PS: Shay definitely seems to have pulled her personality together a bit since we last saw her. Can't say whether or not that's a good thing yet... a question. -Are- these characters the good guys, or do we have a whole slew of Villain Protagonists? If that's the case that could be mighty interesting.
| bchen 5/2/13 . chapter 27
I really like the premise of your story. It has a very unique idea, and I like that. HOWEVER, (constructive criticism incoming.) I do believe that you could use better diction at times and that will result in a more easy read for your audience. Sometimes, there's a bit of logical fallacy. Why would the CDC leave such an important room (the virus room) unguarded? And Shay's personality kind of fluctuates between a maniacal killer and someone who is more reluctant to do so. Overall, whoever, I still find Shay my favorite character. I like her name a lot. :D
| Scarlet Phlame 5/1/13 . chapter 1
Very fascinating premise. The words flow beautifully (a lot of authors here are very talented) and I enjoyed your writing. A very pulchritudinous piece, I must say. The idea behind the story is an excellent hook, as well.
My only complaint is that the chapter is a bit long. Long chapters can sometimes be overwhelming if you're planning on pulling in readers with a lower caliber of comprehension than other more advanced readers.
Overall, it's a very good theme and I quite enjoyed this chapter. :)
| ScribbleMonkey 4/20/13 . chapter 1
Hi, thank you for you review! Sorry for the late reply, school was crazy!
Here are some edits I caught:
where smooth, slick white tile - 'were'
ere the framed posters of diseases - 'were'
Why not he be colorless as well? - 'Why wouldn't he'
middle of the line were a boy and girl - 'was'
Yea, but where are we gonna go - using 'Yea' is like text speak, and that never carries over well.
Some of Shay's closest friends, and had come to Carson in a package. - this is phrased funny
All nine pairs of feet, each wearing their own individual shoes, darted over the smooth white tiles. - I understand the kind of mental image you were going for, but it doesn't make much sense phrased like this.
Shay though, as she ran her dark brown eyes over the room. - 'thought'
It felt, well, wrong. - I think that the 'well' being used as a pause does nothing to help the narrative voice, I noticed you used this in the beginning too and it really interferes with the pacing.
ether not knowing - 'either'
Also, I noticed (especially in the beginning) a lot of shifting of tenses.
Besides all of that, I like the character of Shay, and you seem to have plenty of background and well-rounded characters here. I think introducing all nine at once was a little overwhelming, especially by taking a paragraph for each. I may be more effective to introduce their traits more slowly and in a more natural manner. I really like the idea of a contagion and the mysterious doctor - as well as the placement of the ending. I can only imagine how these kids would be feeling knowing that they contain a disease that could kill millions. I don't see them having any motivation for following the doctor's orders though, which would make it more dramatic. However, it seems to be going in an interesting direction, and I am curious as to how they will all react.
| mingsquared 4/16/13 . chapter 1
I really like the idea for this story. Generally, I tend to stay away from anything involving kids, but I have to say this plot is intriguing. It would be interesting to see how the eight of them try to survive when the entire country is hunting them. The fact that they are kids makes it more interesting, since the brain of even a teenager has not yet fulled developed so their actions would greatly impact their chances of survival.
I did find it strange that they were able to sneak off for so long without being found. I would think that a lab like this would have patrols or security cameras. You do seem to have some tense errors here and there, and some punctuation mistakes. But those are little mistakes everyone makes. Overall, great job!
| ABwriter 4/14/13 . chapter 2
Well this is a very good story :D,nice plot,intresting characters,and painted the image in my