|Reviews for The Little Red Book|
| Anihyr Moonstar 12/16/12 . chapter 9
I love these two lines: [I am silence, in a crowded room./ I am darkness, on a white wall.] I feel like they have such an epic ring to them; awesome in their contradiction if you will.
I feel like a lot of the rest of it though is a rehash of the same ideas that you've already written about though (and the same ideas that have been written about so many times before in poetry). There's not a whole bunch to set it apart, and I'd suggest trying to push yourself with your similes/metaphors - either expanding the subjects you write about or finding ways to express these same feelings in ways you've never heard of before. Only then will your poetry will stand out as *yours* and something different that makes an impact.
- Moonstar, courtesy of the Review Game's Review Marathon (link in my profile)
| Anihyr Moonstar 12/16/12 . chapter 8
I like the opening line; I think it does a good job setting the scene. There are a few sections that seem to clash a little and don't make much sense though.
[Feeling nothing, caused by pain.] How can you feel nothing if you're in pain? Pain is a feeling. I understand it's metaphorical/a comparison, but I think some of the later ones work better.
[Thinking strait, without understanding.] You mean thinking "straight" - a strait is a geographical landmark (a narrow strip of water connecting two larger bodies of water, often oceans or seas).
[Living,breathin,love.] Did you mean to have these clumped all together? I think they'd look better with spaces, personally.
I really like some of the comparisons though, and the images/feelings brought up by the sensory details. The scent of burning wood and feel of "velvet roses" in particular stand out to me as pretty awesome for adding depth to your piece.
| Anihyr Moonstar 12/16/12 . chapter 7
I like the opening stanza. I think those lines say a lot about human carelessness and fallibility. We don't tend to realize how easily (and how often) we screw up.
Some grammatical mistakes in this one distract me from the poem (mistakes that don't add anything stylistically, I'll add). [how easy we say those 3 words.] Since every other line is capitalized, I'd capitalize the 'h' in 'how' to make it fit; also write out "three" - as a general rule numbers should always be written out unless they're over one hundred or part of a date/time.
[Hearths, we closed and locked.] You're saying "hearths" again...it should be "hearts," I swear. XD A hearth is a place where you start a fire; a heart is that thing that keeps blood pumping through our veins and (metaphorically) houses our emotions.
[When we laugh, w cry inside.] *we - Missing an 'e' there.
| Anihyr Moonstar 12/16/12 . chapter 6
[The pounding rhythm of my hearth.] Do you mean "heart"...? You say "hearth" every time in this poem which makes me think it's not a typo, but it feels strange regardless, since there seems to be nothing in the text that actually suggests "hearth" is the correct word.
It also looks like this thing is the same four stanzas, repeated twice into eight. Is that...intentional? If they were different (even in just a couple subtle ways), I would understand, but they look the same to me and that doesn't make much sense.
| Anihyr Moonstar 12/16/12 . chapter 5
Aha, I like that I can relate to this one. :) Building up worlds of my own as an escapist method is probably something anyone who uses writing as an outlet can understand. I think my favorite two lines are: [Where shadows have a life of their own. / Where trees can dance.] because they come with such vivid mental pictures of what such a world might look like.
| Anihyr Moonstar 12/16/12 . chapter 4
I really like this one - the happy tone, for a change, made me smile. I especially like how you got into the characters, though. Their emotions and interactions in this brief little snippet and really come off the page. The final stanza in particular, and really, this line: "Never, I looked so beautiful..." was beautifully executed. (I would make that "I never looked so beautiful" or "Never have I looked so beautiful" for sentence clarity, but the *idea* I really love.)
| Anihyr Moonstar 12/16/12 . chapter 3
I like the contrast between the opening and closing stanza. I think it does a good job of strengthening the intended impact of the poem. I also like these lines in particular: "Time didn't stop." / "You let go of me..." I think it works as a nice flipside to the cliche of wishing for time to freeze in a single moment.
| Anihyr Moonstar 12/14/12 . chapter 2
[My mind won't stop talking. / It's keeping me awake at night.] These are my favorite two lines. I think they're very easy to relate to and read well.
As a whole though, I think the impact of your poetry would benefit from some condensing of details. Poetry (as I see it) is all about making the most of every single word; stuffing powerful concepts into as tight boxes as you can and slamming the reader with the meaning in every line. This feels like it has lots of "extra" tossed in there and would come across more powerfully if you cut and used fewer, stronger words.
| Anihyr Moonstar 12/14/12 . chapter 1
I like the format of the countdown. I think it's creative and it successfully builds up that ominous dread in the pit of my gut as I wonder (and become increasingly convinced) if it's going to lead to a suicide so that the impact is dreaded but expected at the same time.
There are a couple places where simple mistakes distract me from the flow of the poem, though. [Your eyes lost there sparkle.] Should be "their" sparkle. [You build a wall.] Since every other line has been told in past tense, I would make this "built" a wall, not "build" - it reads very strangely.
- Moonstar, from the Review Game's Review Marathon (link in my profile)
| Icky Boodles 2/27/12 . chapter 1
I really enjoyed the lack of gender assignment and the depiction of loss of laughing and other changes. A nice mix of the subtle and bold.