|Reviews for Unconscious Desperation|
| InuKaguFan 8/20/12 . chapter 6
That was amazing! Your language is incredible, I like reading something serious that didn't seem to come out of an average teenage phone call.
The thought of the narrator being you definitely crossed my mind, especially after the third chapter.
I hope you've found this friend of yours, though I'd like to become one too in spite of me being cross the world from you ;)
The idea of someone our age, in our reality, being lonely is not as uncommon as you'd like to think. Personally I'm not being homeschooled, but I find it hard to connect to my peers as we have many irreconcilable differences (at times it seems like we are of different species!).
The only thing that I didn't like in your story is the technical structure. It seems like a bunch of words glued together. I believe it would be easier to read if you'd divide it to more prominent paragraphs.
| Shelby Jacobs 2/11/12 . chapter 1
Writing in the first person is difficult at best. Could you use a narrative approach or give the person some internal dialogue with themselves? for example: The young programmer turned over and slapped the snooze button for the third time. "God, I don't want to start on the Johnson project. I would rather go see Wanda Sue." etc etc
Your paragraphs are quite long. The words began to run together and I am sure I missed something. Consider breaking the paragraphs into smaller pieces; it will be easier for the reader to follow both the content and the actual wording.
Get me to the action as quickly and simply as you can. I need a hook to pull me into the story, make me want to read the next line. Build some tension that keeps me reading.
You know your technical subject matter very well, but unless you are presenting a technical paper, it's not important to the story line. Reserve the technical for background material; I want to know the human element of the person.
Give the person a name. Tell me something about the person so I can begin to identify with him or her.