|Reviews for A Cry for Trust|
| Dr. Self Destruct 5/30/12 . chapter 24
I read this a few days ago but didn't have the time to review, so sorry for the long wait. :)
I noticed that the fighting in this chapter seemed a lot different than the fighting in the last chapter. I thought in this one when S. was battling Fifi everything was a lot more faster paced, and I didn't notice as many unneeded words strung throughout some of the fighting. Let me see if I can find an example to show you what I mean...
[[Without wasting time,] S. unfolded the Ophidian and threw it again at Fifi. She dodged it. When it rebounded back to him, he swung his arm back [it at] with enough force to propel it back towards Fifi. He didn't even need to touch the blade.(suggest making this period a semi-colon to link these two sentences together) The wind from the force did everything for him. This time, Fifi used her nails to throw it back. The exchange occurred for several minutes without any change, but then, she charged towards him.
She brought her hand back and swung [it at him, trying to make a scratch]. [Just at that moment,] the Ophidian returned to S., and he collapsed it. [Just] before the nails came (suggest the word 'reached' instead of 'came') to him, he blocked it with the compact rod. [Just as quickly,] he released the rod and threw it back at Fifi. This time, he managed to scratch her cheek. Fifi backed away and touched the wound. She raised a finger into the fire's light, showing the residue of blood.]
Okay, so, in these two paragraphs anything I've bracketed I suggest removing since it's already implied from the rest of the context. When you're in a high action moment, it's always best to drop things like 'as fast as he could' or 'suddenly' or 'just as quickly.' The main reason is because extra words drag down the pace of the scene, and a reader wants to experience the rapid movement as quickly as it's being imagined. Also, at the end of the first paragraph you mention them throwing the blade back and forth for a few minutes - I'd suggest cutting that down to a few moments because minutes sounds a little excessive and is harder to imagine.
But aside from what I already mentioned, I really enjoyed this chapter because we get some more information about S. and his past. I thought you wove it into the prose very well, and I also enjoyed how you used different props while they were fighting and utilized the setting. I thought that was a great added touch and it really drove up the suspense. I was surprised when S. didn't kill her, but I also think this was a great chance to show some character development on his end, especially how he's changed ever since joining Dmitriv's group.
Very nicely done. This really held my interest from start to finish. :)
| Dr. Self Destruct 5/25/12 . chapter 23
Haha, I gotta love Cirasu's attitude here when she finally confronts Fifi, who, by the way, I hadn't once expected of being involved in all this. I thought that arrangement of them all being at the bridge at the same time was really clever of Cirasu, and I liked how she stood off to the side while Kaine and Fifi fought. I think it really gave Kaine the opportunity to prove himself, and I was really excited to see what he's capable of since he's known to be a hunter. It's still such a funny prospect to me, though, since he's such a meek person - but I think that contrast is one of the things that really helps define his character and makes it unique.
As for the action scene, I thought it was well executed on a whole, though it did feel like it dragged in some areas. From what I've seen while reading different books and stuff, there's two ways to write an action scene, one of them being a kinda play-by-play thing where each move is explained and expanded upon in a series of events (I guess kind of like most of the fight scenes in my own story, TAK), and then there's where everything is a lot more vague and general, and only a few things are mentioned or detailed. This second option gives more room for poetic experimentation and the exploitation of metaphors, as well as gives the writer more free-reign to expand on the character's emotions instead of the physical aspects.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I saw you mention in your Author's Note that you have a hard time with fight scenes. Sometimes trying the more vague approach at first helps a writer get the hang of writing out a more complex scene like what you have here, and sometimes a more vague approach even fits better into the context of certain stories. What I did when first writing TAK was tried writing the first fight scene as a more play-by-play fight scene, then did the same thing but used a more general/vague fight explanation to see what I felt fit better. Also, in the future you always have the option of bouncing back and forth of dealing with fight scenes in this alternating between the two methods, and I think it might help from things feeling rather repetitive.
For example, in the fight between Kaine and Fifi, there's a lot mentioned of Fifi swinging her arms. Now, I know she doesn't really have a weapon, but if you want to mix things up you could always utilize the setting itself as well, since they're in an abandoned building. I'd imagine if it was once a factory there might even be sharp tools lying around, or maybe boxes or other objects she could throw at him/hide behind/jump on top of.
I suppose what I'm trying to get at, is that if you want to keep things from feeling repetitive, you can use props. And having them fight inside a building is a great choice because there's so many different possibilities of what you can throw in there.
But, back to what you have here, like I said, I thought it was done very well, but there were a few parts that started to drag, or occasionally a sentence that was a bit wordy. Don't worry, though, you'll get the hang of it. The best thing I can suggest for inspiration is maybe watching some action movies that have a lot of hand-to-hand combat in them and use a few things you might see in those movies - I do it all the time with anime.
I just have a few corrections:
[Nor were there the pain, agony, and torment commonly found with all animals.]
Edit: The 'were' should be 'was.'
[and an adversary and as Cirasu stood there, she wondered who would be playing what role. If there was even a role of a savior in this meeting.]
Style: Suggest putting a comma before 'and as Cirasu stood there...' to help with the sentence flow.
[She took a step forward towards Fifi.]
Edit: Forward towards is redundant, do you can drop the 'forward.'
[His mind was beginning to lose any sense of reaso, and Fifi was]
Edit: A typo there on 'reason.'
| Dr. Self Destruct 5/23/12 . chapter 22
Damn! You really do a great job stringing me along between scenes, haha. Just as you're about to divulge some important information, you go to the next scene. But that's cool, because there's even more information in the next scene that I was to know about too and I didn't have to whine or mop for very long until I found out who Xin had found. I really liked that little information about his life, by the way. I'm still curious as to why he's stuck in a young person's body, though I'm wondering if it has something to do with the sickness that killed his parents and family. Perhaps the only way to cure Xin was to give him some type of antidote that stunted his growth, or maybe that's the aftereffects of the illness itself. Anyways, a very interesting little tidbit of information about his past that I thoroughly enjoyed and I think it was well weaved into the chapter itself.
I also enjoyed the part with S. and when he was thinking back to all the things he had heard. I'm pretty good with remembering quotes, and I think I remember who said just about every one of those things. The way you arranged them was really interesting as well - it felt like I was really following S.'s train of thought as he was going through everything. I remember them mentioning this Gigi person, though I don't entirely remember her whole involvement with everything. I'm more focused on this whole idea of magic that Cirasu brought up and that S. noticed as well. I'm guessing Gigi changed her appearance slightly by using magic (I guess it's cheaper than plastic surgery, right? ;D) for whatever reason. And I'm still wondering if Cirasu is involved in this more than she's letting on...
Oh, I had almost forgotten about Him. I've been so immersed in trying to figure out this mystery that I had forgotten about his involvement and how he's kinda like their mysterious arch nemesis, haha. But yeah, now I'm wondering what his involvement would be in this entire case, and why he would be involved. Perhaps Him is the powerful, dark force that all these people agreed to sign a contract with - and maybe he's capable of dark magic that can take over a person's mind and make them do things against their wills!
I am very curious as to who that shadow was. :o Wouldn't it be funny if it was Sanders'? xD Though I guess that's not really possible, since he's in jail and all...
| Dr. Self Destruct 5/23/12 . chapter 21
Ah! I knew there was something she was hiding! It definitely makes more sense as to why that one woman was staring at her like she was some type of ghost - because she was the young girl that woman probably knew, but she wasn't sure because Cirasu is all grown up now. Very fascinating. Again, I really enjoyed Cirasu's reaction to Dmitriv's questions, especially how she replied about her appearance and pretty much ignored the more important subject. Too funny. xD
Now I'm wondering if she was the one responsible for the murders, considering she brought up that whole thing about magic. Maybe it was magic that had taken over Sanders that night and forced him to kill those three people... and maybe Cirasu was the one behind it. Perhaps she killed those three men to help her own business? I dunno... she doesn't strike me as the type to do something as violent as that. Cirasu strikes me as more of a cunning, calculative person, but who knows? I really wouldn't be surprised at this point, especially after Kaine asked her if she was hiding anything else and she kinda said he'd know sooner or later. Very foreboding indeed...
That still doesn't explain the link between the original murders 85 years ago, though. Hrmm... very puzzled at this point.
I have a feeling Kaine is going to happen to pass by a certain someone during his walk, though I'm sure that was Cirasu's original intention in sending him off on that walk in the first place. Hopefully nothing bad happens to him.
| Dr. Self Destruct 5/23/12 . chapter 20
Very cool chapter! And I'm sorry if these past few have been coming out a bit lacking - normally I review while I read, but these chapters have been really holding my attention to the point where I can't stop reading until I'm done, haha. And this chapter was no exception.
I really like this scene with the Auraelise, and I'm glad we got a little more information about what it does/what it looks like in this chapter as well since I still had a few questions from the last time it made an appearance. That whole thing about the objects in the room creating shadows and how the device isn't strong enough to form a detailed picture was really cool. I especially enjoyed how the narration went when the killer was clutching his head and started to stab the corpse - I thought the flow of narration seemed a bit experimental and I thought you did a great job getting the suspense across.
You know, when I was about halfway through this chapter I was going to mention that Cirasu is starting to act a little more suspicious than I like, but then I got caught up in the next scene. However, let me backtrack a bit... after seeing how Kaine mentions the way Cirasu never really fit into the group in the past, I'm starting to wonder if maybe she has something to do with these murders. It doesn't really have to be anything bad, but I definitely get this feeling she's hiding something or knows things she hasn't told to the others.
And it looks like I was right (maybe) when assuming Sanders was being taken over by something else. The way that shadow grabs its head and then starts to stab the body - it looked like some type of struggle for power over his own brain/body. I'm wondering if this dark force that they agreed to work with for all that money was what took over Sanders' body and killed them. Perhaps it's just a coincidence that he was chosen - or maybe because of Juliet, the demon/force/whatever it is, was more attracted to him because he's related to a host its used in the past. And then Evelyn mentioned something about fantastical things coming from the other fragments... I'd hate to think this is all just a coincidence.
Anyways, I think this is one of my favorite chapters so far. I'm really excited to see what comes next, especially because I'm nearing the end. I'm really eager to see if I'm right in all my crazy theories.
| Dr. Self Destruct 5/23/12 . chapter 19
Well, this chapter was really, really interesting in both terms of plot progression and character development, the character development being mostly for Dmitriv and Cirasu. I'm really glad I get to see a bit more of Dmitriv, and he really lives up to his reputation from what I so far have seen, what with how smooth he is and how he kinda wanders around the room being intimidating/sympathetic and using that to his advantage of getting honest answers. I particularly enjoyed the opening, too, with how Mia is all nervous and doesn't perform too well in a social environment. I can definitely relate to her on that end. I also thought it was cool how you mentioned a few times about her previous life as an assassin.
That idea about time traveling more slowly in a different fragment is very interesting. It makes me wonder if these different fragments are kinda like different realms floating around in space, or if they're different galaxies - something along those lines. And this woman who mysteriously vanished once all the murders were done... hmm, that's very suspicious. I'm also wondering about the final person the one woman couldn't remember the name of. Perhaps that person is the one responsible for what happened 85 years ago? Maybe they're also the one behind what's happening now? And this agreement for happiness in exchange for something else (eventual death), I'm almost wondering if all these people are making a pact with the devil... or maybe aliens, haha.
It seems like Cirasu is hiding something, though I don't know what it could be. The way that woman reacted when seeing her... that was very strange. Perhaps Cirasu did something in the past that she regrets and that's why she occasionally acts a bit peculiar... or maybe it's a feeling of guilt that she wasn't able to catch the true murderer. Whatever it may be, I find myself very enthralled with the thought of Cirasu's past. And I guess the woman looking like she just saw a 'ghost' would make sense since isn't Cirasu dead? Or, well, WAS dead, I guess. lol
Good chapter! Like I said at the beginning, I thought it was a great blend of character development and plot progression.
| Dr. Self Destruct 5/22/12 . chapter 18
Haha, okay, I'm liking Yuriy even more after this chapter. The way he just kinda smirks at Dmitriv the entire time Dmitriv is all pissed off is just priceless. I wonder if he's really feeling that confident deep down inside, though. I get the feeling Yuriy is really anxious, like he was at the beginning of the last chapter when he thought Dmitriv was going to burst into the room, but he's just hiding it behind his more smooth, rebel exterior. A very smooth cat, that one. And I also found it hilarious how S. taunted Dmitriv with the detectives badge. The part where he saw Dmitriv's name on it and went something like, "oh, it is on here!" was too funny. xD I actually laughed out loud at that.
Oh wow. I never expected Dmitriv to go along with this investigation. I don't know why, but I just expected him to make a big deal about it and eventually leave them to do what they wanna do after their inevitable argument. But I think this is even better! Now we'll get to see some more of Dmitriv - and I can't wait to see if he lives up to his expectation of being a damn good investigator.
I wonder if Parliament are the ones behind this whole murder thing, and that's why they didn't want the detectives getting involved. Nahhh... I'm just being paranoid again.
But yeah, I liked that moment where Kaine stood up to Dmitriv. That was a pretty powerful moment for him, and I think it did a great job developing another side of him that I haven't yet really seen. So if he's pushed far enough, I get the feeling Kaine really does have a backbone and won't back down if he believes strongly enough in something.
I wonder if this means all the other detectives are going to get involved in this thing, too. Hmm...
| Dr. Self Destruct 5/21/12 . chapter 17
I think you do a great job portraying the different POVs of the various characters. When you switched from Yuriy to Kaine's POV, I could definitely feel a small alteration in the tone, like a more nervous kinda feeling since Kaine is always so anxious. Yuriy seems more confident and aloft at times, and I thought it was especially funny when he wasn't really paying attention to what Kaine was saying while he was worry about Dmitriv barging in... which looks like he had a good reason to worry after all, haha.
It was also pretty cool to see Yuriy from Kaine's eyes after experiencing Yuriy's POV. It made me think that Yuriy really doesn't know sometimes how obvious he is when there's something bothering him. The way he acts when Dmitriv bursts into the room is kinda funny too, how he tries to act all natural and stuff, haha. Yuriy is definitely a pretty smooth guy, though I don't think any smooth-talk is going to get them out of this situation. But still, I had a feeling this was going to happen - and I couldn't wait to see their reactions. Dmitriv is obviously pissed, so it'll be cool to see how everyone else reacts. I wonder what Cirasu will do - she seems like the only one of them able to put Dmitriv in his place.
I feel so bad for Kaine now, though.
I like how you built up the suspense about Dmitriv finding out about their investigation, too. I thought it was a cool sub-plot mixed into the main plot, and I was just as excited to see what happens after Dmitriv finds out as I am to find out who is responsible for the killings, haha. I've also been looking forward to a Cirasu/Dmitriv showdown. xD
But yeah, great way to end the chapter. I could definitely feel Kaine's surprise and sudden anxiety, and I really like how you addressed Dmitriv's entrance - it had a very dramatic air about it, especially with how everyone else followed him into the living room.
Here's my customary nit-pickyness:
[Our dear Lady told us herself we had nothing fear and that everybody not involved was gone."]
Edit: Missing a 'to' between nothing and fear.
["In answer to your question, because those names are Cirasu's famed titles all across the fragments," S. answered.]
Style: I think you can safely remove the "In answer to your question" since S. is answering a question right after Yuriy asks it and it feels a little unnatural for him to say that.
["But as for your comment, why do you feel off the edge? Did something happen?"]
Style: I think you can safely take off "But as for your comment" as well for the same above reasons.
[people who were scorned by their society due to their mistakes and needed to support.]
Edit: Instead of the 'to' before support, I think you can either remove it or put 'the' instead.
[Kaine closed his eyes and hoped his fear he was misplaced.]
Edit: Remove 'he.'
[Kaine didn't know what to say. He could feel the gaze piercing through his soul but he had no idea what to say.]
Style: Suggest removing the first sentence since it's repeated in the second sentence again, or maybe just rephrase the second sentence.
| Dr. Self Destruct 5/21/12 . chapter 16
I think you do a great job keeping things engaging even if there's not a whole lot of action. Normally I have to have some type of violence present in order for a story to keep my attention, but you wonderfully at keeping my attention by keeping things moving with dialogue. Plus you always have a good balance of descriptions about how the characters are acting during their conversations, so it's really easy to imagine their tones. I liked that little description of the cafe in the beginning too - it was just enough of a setting builder to help me picture everything in my mind, yet you didn't go into needless details like the color of the chairs and what the floor was made from - silly things like that.
As for the content itself, now I'm really interested in what's going to happen next. I loved those couple paragraphs where Yuriy sees that Dmitriv is sitting at a table across the room and how he kinda freaked out, haha. That was really well done - I was starting to feel uncomfortable/nervous for him. And the way Dmitriv acted was pretty funny, too. They're such direct contrasts. The way Dmitriv was all like 'it's a pleasure to meet you' but definitely looks like it WASN'T a pleasure to meet Thorne had me grinning.
And now I'm wondering how much longer they're going to be able to keep this whole thing secret from Dmitriv. I also wonder what he'll do once he finds out - considering all the pieces he's been given, I can't imagine it'll take him much longer to 'connect the dots.' While part of me is hoping he'll kinda go a long with it, I think anther part of me wants him to get pissed and tell everyone they need to stop just to see what everyone else will do.
I have a few nit-picky suggestions I noticed while reading:
[Yuriy was going to chose their next destination,]
Edit: Should be 'choose' instead of 'chose.'
["I believe this must mean you got my note okay."]
Style: Suggest removing 'okay.'
["Well, you see, the deal that Miss Evelyn helped her father the most on [with] was the one that Sanders was involved in – the secret business deal."]
Style: Suggest removing the bracketed 'with.'
[Thorne ran towards Yuriy and patted his back.]
I thought they were sitting down at a table? Perhaps instead of 'ran' something along the lines of 'Thorne circled around the table and patted Yuriy's back' - something like that.
[But I guess, I could ask Miss Evelyn about it and then relay the news to you.]
Style: Suggest removing the comma after 'guess.'
[the detective could have easily connected the dots together and arrive at the correct conclusion of Yuriy's current dealings in Khorcinne City.]
Style: Suggest removing 'together.'
With every chapter we seem to be getting one step closer to the answer. I'll admit, I don't really read mystery novels very often at all, but I'm usually pretty good at guessing who the killer is or whatever when I watch mystery movies. As of right now, though, I have a few suspicions, but I have no idea if they're right or not. xD
| Dr. Self Destruct 5/20/12 . chapter 15
I loved how you kept going back and forth between the two different scenes. I thought it added some nice suspense, especially how you'd stop in one scene right as some important information was going to be revealed and hopped to the other scene. It was a little frustrating, I'll admit, but in a good way. I kept wanting to read and I had to keep myself from skipping ahead to see what happens next. But yeah, I thought it was really cool how you did that and I think both scenes did a great job keeping my interest. They both had their own important information to divulge, so it wasn't an annoyance at all when I was going back and forth between them.
I can't help but notice the similarities in Juliet and Marcel's lives. It was mentioned that Juliet was going through some really bad hardships and that she was pretty much cast out from society when she left with another man... and it made me kinda think about how Marcel's wife died when they became homeless. Both Juliet and Marcel have been forced to live through some really bad stuff during their lifetimes. I wonder if Marcel ever suddenly started acting happier for no apparent reason. I also wonder if there was someone being Juliet making her do all these things, or if it really was just a sense of madness on her part considering all she had been through. It's very curious, the way she was acting... and I really don't think Marcel is telling the whole truth.
[Sanders shrugged. "That's pretty much all I can tell you."]
See, this right here really makes me suspicious. I don't know if you phrased his answer in such a way to make me suspicious or not, but I think it was a very subtle statement that I normally wouldn't pay any attention to, but I noticed it and it really spun my for a loop in how I thought this whole murder investigation was going to go. It sounds like there's more information he wants to give Kaine, but maybe someone is watching him and has threatened him to not give away certain information. Maybe they're threatening Marcel's well being, or maybe they even have someone else they're using to bribe Marcel. Perhaps a family member? Maybe they're threatening to kill someone if Marcel speaks out and gives Kaine the truth, so Marcel is just hoping Kaine will be able to find out what's going on on his own with whatever information he can give him.
Ooooooh, I dunno. xD This plot is really starting to get heavy, though. I have a feeling the shit is going to hit the fan pretty soon.
But anyways, I wonder what type of information Mia and Xin are going to find in those records and if it'll help their case at all.
| Dr. Self Destruct 5/20/12 . chapter 14
I gotta say, after reading this chapter I think Cirasu has suddenly become my favorite character. She's just so damn awesome, haha. I love how calm and collected she always is, and just how she talks. It so much different than everyone else - though you do a great job with all your character's dialogue. But yeah, I just like how when she makes a decision that's pretty much it. Everyone listens to her and hardly anyone ever argues with her. I think that shows how smart she is and how everyone seems to trust her or count on her. She's definitely a very strong female protagonist, and it's always nice to see a woman who takes charge. And I still love how she dresses like a dude when working as her other identity. xD
I really wasn't expecting that fight, but I think it helped build a lot on the characters and got a lot of their aggressions out. I particularly enjoyed how Yuriy came to Dmitriv's defense. Considering Dmitriv hasn't been present all that much, it's interesting how much I know about him just because of what the other characters say about him. And if Yuriy is prepared to punch the crap out of S. because S. was talking smack about his cousin, it makes me even more curious to learn more about Dmitriv himself. Especially after what Cirasu said about him when she was telling Kaine that Kaine was the person she trusted the most out of their group. It makes me really want to go back and read the book that came before this one.
And poor Kaine. I can understand how seeing them argue really made him start to feel guilty about the whole situation. But leave it up to Cirasu to cheer him up. That's another thing I like about her: Cirasu is obviously powerful and intelligent, but she also doesn't hesitate to help make a friend feel better.
Nice cliff-hanger there at the end. I really wasn't expecting that - now I'm wondering what kind of connection the two Sanders have with one another. I still think there's some type of higher influence, like someone was controlling Sanders somehow on the night he killed those people. I guess I'm just gonna have to keep reading in order to find out. ;D
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu 5/2/12 . chapter 2
Okay, first things first, I don't know if the "him" being used on a single pattern format was intentional or not. Because going by the rules of basic verbal structure, it seems quite wrong. I hope this is intentional. Seriously.
Secondly, a couple of tweaks I can suggest in improving.
[The man had a lanky body and sickly face accompanied with red eyes and thin lips always pulled into a sneer.]
Mod: He possessed a lanky frame with sickly features. Orbs of crimson red complimented his thin lips pulled into a sneer.
Note: This is just an example which you can easily modify yourself. The flaw I'm seeing in your original structure lies the word "man" being used more than once in a row. Of course I'll have to admit that this so-called word spam is also a flaw of mine that I'm trying to go about rectifying.
[...We could have brought that stvorenjie to interrogation about him's whereabouts, but look at what happened. One of your detectives went and shot it! Killed! Nothing accomplished, and only one case finished!"]
Mod: ...brought that stvorenjie [for] interrogation [on]... Nothing accomplished and only one case finished!
Note the changes in the brackets and the omission of the comma since the final sentence was meant to be mentioned under the same scenario so as to speak.
Now after being snobbish on the technical end (Yes, I know I'm a loser in communication tact. This is a self-deprecating statement), let me do an analysis on your characters. Note that I've yet to hit the first story since you said that it wasn't needed to understand this one. Firstly, its pretty much interesting to see a ruling entity fearing the one thing that they're having now: Absolute power. In a very twisted sense, I do see the role of the Parliament as an outright paradox-never-meant-to-be to any given dictatorship in reality. Its like knowing something is totally different from avoiding or even altering the said fate that awaits.
On this respect, I can also identify Cirasu as an empathetic character as in the only reason why she could do so was down to her being in the exact position. The greatest irony ever? Its pretty much implied that they've been at each others throats for ages.
And since we've came unto this end, allow me to speak up for Orion. Now this is the one guy who might end up being the most idealistic fella of them all if there's anything to go by via his outlook on the situation and persona. On one hand, he's extremely protective towards his son. On the other hand, he chose to play the optimist pertaining to the bigger picture. Ironically though, my verdict on him was down to the latter where the former would have it's own justification on the pessimistic what-ifs just like the standard over-protective nature.
And lastly let me go onto Cirasu's character. It's pretty much surreal to see a shadow of Aeranath in her. On one hand, both don't take any piss from any Tom, Dick or Harry. Secondly, I can identify the two of them via their cynical display albeit Aeranath's case would be far more abrasive and callous. Likewise, both of them are also after that one central "antagonist". (Note that I use quotation marks due to me not reaching that far into the plot yet. That plus Aeranath's end was down to a mere couple of sentences or so.) It's pretty much interesting to see a female character along Cirasu's mold. Granted she's not the first and the last, but still you won't get to see this kind of character archetypes everyday. :)
| Dr. Self Destruct 5/1/12 . chapter 13
Dammit. I feel like I'm watching The X-Files or Lost where each chapter just ends up giving me more and more questions. But that's a good thing, considering this genre. :P
So there were other people involved who never came to the meetings... hmm, I'm trying to figure out what that might mean for the overall picture. Could these people be the ones involved with those three murders? Could they somehow have used Sanders to kill the three men without Sanders even knowing he was used, or maybe his memory was erased of the deeds? Because I really still think Sanders believes himself to be innocent. Believes himself to be innocent being the key phrase... because it sounds very much like his hands are indeed stained by blood. Until they see Sanders again and they confront him with this most recent information - especially the detail about that one device picking up his aura at the crime scene - I really don't know how Sanders fits into all of this.
Hmm, Yuriy kinda acted a bit like a dick to Mia this chapter, huh? But I guess he's right that she seemed to be taking on the more confrontational role since S. and Dmitriv wasn't there. With all this mention of Dmitriv throughout the group, I really wonder how he goes about investigating things - I'd love to see more of him if he pops up in the future. But from the way he saw the three at the prison, I have a feeling I'm going to be seeing more of him. But anyways, I was kinda happy when Mia ignored Yuriy and kept asking questions, especially with how she got some really valuable information because she kept on prying. Good stuff.
But yeah, the ending... hmmm. Now it feels like they might have just opened up a can of worms. I wonder what Kaine is going to say once Mia tells him everything. I have a feeling he might believe her, but like me, I think Kaine is also going to wonder if there's something going on behind the scenes, something darker and more menacing than any of them originally thought. Like someone taking control of Sanders and using him to their ends since he's the perfect candidate (doesn't have an alibi and has a valid motive). But this also brings up the motive of the true killer. Even if they do figure out Sander's hands were the ones holding the gun, I have a feeling it's only the beginning to a much great problem - which would also explain why I'm only halfway through the story, eh? :P
Buuuuuut, I guess the only way to really find out is to keep reading. xD
Here's some corrections/suggestions. I hope you're not sick of them by now:
[The refusal at her made that strange feeling rise.]
Style: Suggest changing 'the refusal' to 'his refusal' and remove 'at her.'
[Now, she knew the irritation wasn't some anomaly inside her.]
Style: Suggest removing that comma after 'now.'
[We've learned many people have withholded information from us in these past couple of days, so we're just trying to be careful."]
Edit: 'witholded' should be 'withheld.'
[He had received his answers and he wasn't going to stay in the room [for] any longer.]
Edit: Remove the bracketed 'for.'
["Should I lead you to out?"]
Edit: 'To' should be 'two.'
[she always sure of herself.]
Edit: Missing a 'was' before 'always.'
["I told you what I thought," she said, her voice demanding, "so now it's your time."]
Style: Suggest replacing 'time' with 'turn.'
[She hated to do it but the conflicting emotions told her that she needed to end [to] the case soon.]
Edit: Remove the bracketed 'to.'
| Dr. Self Destruct 5/1/12 . chapter 12
Damn. This just keeps getting better and better in terms of the mystery and revelations. So the three business giants were involved in some deal that would have a huge payment later on? That whole 'deal with the devil' thing is really interesting and makes me wonder if such supernatural influences are in this story. And when Kaine mentions wondering if Sanders is the devil, I wonder if this was only metaphorical or literal. I'm leaning more towards metaphorical, but you never know. xD
I love that image of Buckley being led into the room be means of being carried by Mia and Xin. Such a humorous image, haha. I also really enjoyed how you showed Buckley's anxiety while they were talking, like how he kept tightening his fists and playing with the sofa/his pants. It's a great way to get his feeling across without being telly, and showing always helps pull the reader onto the scene themselves, making me sympathize with how the characters feel. I could really feel myself getting more and more excited as this conversation kept going, and I was just waiting for some answers.
I feel kinda bad for Kaine, especially how everything seems to be getting out of his control and he's too meek to stop it. But at least he's getting some answers and trying to find justice for Sanders, right? But I suddenly find myself wondering if maybe Sanders somehow did something to Kaine to make Kaine believe he was innocent... maybe planted a false desire inside Kaine's mind that urges him to pursue justice? I dunno... I just find myself no longer trusting Sanders anymore. xD
And damn, Cirasu is someone you really don't want to fuck with, huh? She's starting to scare even ME...
Here are some suggestions/corrections I had while reading:
[He might not have been physical fatigued but his mental strength had reached its limit.]
Edit: 'Physical' should be 'physically.'
[It seemed as if he wasn't going to get the rest he wanted.]
Style: Suggest removing the 'as if.'
["Good." Cirasu returned to her with great interest.]
Edit: I think you're missing 'magazine' after 'her.'
[He remembered his fatigue again and closed his eyes, ready to get sleep.]
Style: While I don't think 'ready to get sleep' is necessarily wrong, I think it would sound a little better if you said 'ready to get SOME sleep.'
[the man was kicking, flailing, and screaming their heads off.]
Style: I think 'screaming his head off' might sound a little better.
[The two didn't answer him as they releashed Buckley and pushed him forward.]
Edit: 'Releashed' should be 'released.'
[and arrest all of you and then, we'll see who has the last laugh."]
Style: I think if you removed the comma and instead put it before the second 'and' it'll help with the flow of the dialogue.
[Leaning back to rest her back on the sofa's frame, she said,]
Style: Suggest removing 'her back.'
[Buckley spit on the ground.]
Edit: Spit should be 'spat.'
["Or maybe scandal involving two teenage boys abusing a poor immigrant girl to the point of suicide."]
Edit: Missing an 'a' before 'scandal.'
["Or I think scandal concerning a man and the fraud he committed[,] the fraud that shocked his father to a heart attack and death."]
Style: Just a few suggestions here... instead of 'or I think a scandal,' perhaps make it 'Or maybe a scandal...' Also, I think a dash instead of the bracketed comma would make the following statement more dramatic, like this:
"Or maybe a scandal concerning a man and the fraud he committed-the fraud that shocked his father to a heart attack and death."
["Are you kidding me? This is blasphemy!"]
Style: I'm not sure 'blasphemy' is the best word to use here, since it's normally associated with God and religious things. I think maybe just saying, 'This is ridiculous!' might fit better.
[You never think about the consequences, don't you?]
Edit: 'Don't you?' should be 'do you?'
["Just don't releash those stories about me."]
Edit: 'releash' should be 'release.'
[But it was Xin who voiced his opinion out.]
Style: Suggest eliminating 'out.'
[He couldn't reach any answer.]
Edit: Should be either 'any answers' or 'an answer.'
| Dr. Self Destruct 5/1/12 . chapter 11
[Standing in front of a prison waiting for clearance was never fun. Feeling suspicious glances was never good for the nerves. Listening to tapping sounds was just plain irritating.]
Lol, I don't know why but I like these few sentences. I think they do a great job characterizing Yuriy. Despite his annoyance, out of all of them he is apparently the most composed. S. is impatient, Kaine is wandering around all anxious... but Yuriy, aside from reacting to his companion's reactions, is really composed.
Hmm, now after reading this I don't know what to think about who could be the murderer, haha. I'd hate to think they're doing all of these when Sanders is really guilty... but from the dark aura that Yuriy recognized when being close to Sanders, all fingers are pointing towards him being the murderer still. I'm starting to wonder if maybe he really did kill those people, but somehow he wasn't under control of his own body - considering this is happening in the future, I'm sure there's a possibility of some mind controlling device. Or perhaps they forced Sanders to do it by threatening him - or maybe they promised to give him something in return, like a lot of money, then turned on him and left him at the crime scene to be caught.
Whatever happens, that was damn suspicious how he started freaking out when S. was asking him about the secret deal.
And lol at Dmitriv being at the prison for charity work. I also loved S.'s little statement of them going to give the children at the orphanage some love - I couldn't help but laugh at that. It makes me picture a child hugging a snake...
But yeah, this will definitely make things more interesting now that Dmitriv is going to be suspicious of them being at the prison. I wonder what he'd do if he found out... and if the group is going to be able to solve this before Dmitriv gets involved. Maybe after seeing all the information they've uncovered he'll be more willing to help? Nah... if he's really as stubborn as they say, he's probably just going to be pissed about the whole thing.
Here's my customary nit-pickyness:
[He beckoned o the three to enter the room.]
Typo: The 'o' should be either 'to' or 'towards'. Though, I think it best to just eliminate the 'o' and not worry about any other words - it flows fine that way as well.
[The guard and the man who led three inside the building entered.]
Edit: Missing a 'the' before 'three.' Or you could say, 'who led them inside the building entered.'
[S. ran to man and grabbed him by the shirt collar.]
Edit: Missing a 'the' before 'man.'
[He canned the area looking for any indications of the voice's owner.]
Edit: 'Canned' should be 'scanned.'
[S., who had been regarding the whole event with slight irritation, became alert and started surveying the scene around.]
Style: I think maybe instead of 'surveying the scene around' you might want to consider phrasing it 'started surveying the surrounding scene.'
["Why of course, he is,"]
Style: Suggest removing that first comma.
["They were doing charity work just as us," Mikola answered for them.]
Edit: Instead of 'just as us,' maybe 'just like us.'
["They had to go the orphanages to give starving parentless children love," Mikola answered in a chipper voice.]
Edit: Missing a 'to' before 'the orphanages.'
[Instead he regarded at the sky with feigned interest.]
Style: Suggest removing 'at' before 'the sky.'