|Reviews for A Cry for Trust|
| seredemia 3/17/12 . chapter 2
Cirasu is a really cool name by the way! xD How do you pronounce it?
Actually, everyone's name here is pretty unique. I like Cirasu and Sorilius the best. I must admit I did become a little bit confused with some of the characters, because there's a lot to take in for the first chapter. Aside from that though, you did well to introduce Cirasu. I'm not sure about her yet, but she seems like a decent character so far. The only thing that bothered me was how she was so formal to Orion. They're bothers and sisters, and she calls him by his surname? It's not a big deal though, so I didn't really care that much xD
Anyway, great first chapter so far! :)
| seredemia 3/17/12 . chapter 1
This is a great start so far! I was looking for any possible mistakes or typos, but I found NONE. So yay But yes, your description and use of vocabulary really drew me in. Whilst I've never actually read a mystery story before (I'm a romance girl xD), this really caught my interest. I like how you've created your own world like the 'Sphere'. I've never heard of it before and it's really original. I also loved the first paragraph and the repetition used in it; it was just really effective. I have nothing else to say about this really, aside from the fact that it's near flawless. You've done a great job in luring me in to your story and I shall be reading the next chapter now :)
| Nesasio 3/10/12 . chapter 2
Yvonne closed her eyes. "Yes," she affirmed.
-Not sure on the emotion behind this action so it felt a little odd to me.
"See?" Sorilis exclaimed.
Suddenly, noise erupted into the room.
-in instead of into. Into implies the noise started outside the room.
I have to admit this chapter confused me a couple different ways.
First, on a technical level, there were a lot of names thrown in in a very short span, especially in the dialogue. I can understand that you needed a large cast of characters here, but the way characters were introduced by other characters felt a bit off to me. These people would know each other, so the intense formality in them using full names when discussing things started to get heavy and made it difficult to keep track of who was talking to who, plus the dialogue didn't feel very natural to me. It's a lot of information to get across, of course, I understand that. But a lot of the names could be included in narration just as easily with a short introduction to the character.
Second...Cirasu is dead? That was intriguing but also really confusing to me because it was left unexplained (I think? I could be wrong) at this point. I'm not sure if that's something explained in the first story, in which case it'd be a good detail to include in the opening information. I just spent a good deal of time wondering what she was and/or how dying was less than permanent.
But don't get me wrong, I thought this was a decent chapter otherwise. It was effective at introducing a main character and establishing more of the universe in a nice, solid scene. Basically made up for any of my qualms with the prologue, haha, so very good on that.
| Nesasio 3/8/12 . chapter 1
... the sight of the police sirens...
-'sound' or perhaps the sight of police cars/lights/etc? Just a simple case of mixing up senses, it seems.
Inside the headquarters office building...
-I don't think this is technically wrong, but 'headquarters office building' feels awkward to me, like it's saying the same thing twice. Could just be my interpretation of it, but headquarters automatically implies a building of some sort, and if anything 'office building' takes a little of the grandeur/power from that.
Hmm, I have mixed feelings on this opening. On the one hand, I like the opening information. To me, it reads a bit like a hard-boiled crime novel from the golden age of radio dramas. Big fan of those, haha, so this automatically appealed to me. The style is cool, giving the right amount of information with a little flair to keep it interesting, but moving on before becoming too bogged down in any particular area.
On the other hand, the information never quite changed to scene. What I mean is, you have the basis for a scene when you take us inside the building and show the victim, the murderer, the police, etc. It reads like a scene, with dialogue and a potentially powerful last line. But since I had no feel for the characters outside of 'unconscious man' and 'police officer', I didn't know how I should react to the last line. Obviously a powerful man has been killed. Okay. Do I cheer for the police for arresting the man? Do I mourn or cheer because the man is dead? Should I be upset that the murderer has probably been framed? I don't know, and other readers won't know either. It doesn't need to be blatant, and heck, I don't even need to know the person's whole backstory (this is, after all, just a prologue), but put some narratorial focus on the main character, so I know who to pay attention to. At this point, I'm still not sure.
| Solomon Sia 3/3/12 . chapter 3
I like this story! There is a lot of internal workings going on, which interests me. The story's focus is clearly upon the inner thoughts of the individuals as much as it is on external events. Xin, D. Valerie and Rowan's characters are well brought out.
It is true that the writing style has changed, but not to worry! Some good stories take a long time. What is your inspiration for this story?