Congratulations on the WCC win, Don.

I like the first line. It immediately gives us the sense of what kind of character your speaker is, and it shows his humor. Not to mention the fact it was funny.

Oh, so we're in Hell. It's nice that you take the time to develop some of the elements peculiar to that world. And I'm intrigued by the politics that you've begun to introduce. You've done a good job with world-building. I like how you seem to defy some of the demon conventions, referring to concepts like loyalty. You've made your speaker likeable by contrasting him with his peers.

Wow. That's a unique characterization of Lucifer. And it's interesting that your main character is one of Lucifer's allies. ...And he doesn't approve of smoking. That's a little ironic. Even though he doesn't appear often throughout the piece, he's memorable, because of the way he seems to value the narrator.

I think your dialogue is a real strength in this piece. It flows very well, and the voices seem to fit your characters. And that strength is reflected in your narrator's internal thoughts, which flow really nicely. I love his obsession with TV. Very funny.

That was an unexpected ending. The fight scene played out well, including your character's inner unraveling of the situation. I really like the final scene where you describe what he sees before he enters the void. It's a very powerful moment, and it sort of emphasizes the shock of the situation.

This was an interesting piece. I haven't read anything from you in a while, but I enjoyed this piece. Nice work and congrats again!

Well this has definetly got me hooked. I wanna know what happens next. Also, I agree with the comment below me, about the description, but otherwise this was amazing! Can't wait for the next chapter(s).

Well you had my rapt attention the whole time! I thought this was very well paced, and at the end I feared it was a finished one shot. I am glad it isn't!

I do think that you could have discribed hell a little better. I found myself wanting, and wondering. Were the people in the area staring people or demons? You say the area is mostly abandoned buildings, but is he walking down a dirt path? cement? What's the sky like in hell? While it left it for anyone to fill in with their idea of hell I wanted to see what you thought.

The POV is done very well, and I found the way you described things from it adding to the story rather than take away.

I also would like to see a bit more discription of the demons themselves. All I really get it that this guy is bigger than me, this ones not, but has the magic skill. You give a bit more at the end, but I found myself lacking in general.

I gather that the Devil is still rather human and angelic looking by the end, and I think that might need explaining why he is pretty if the other demons aren't. (which I'm thingking as the last bit says leathery face and all.)

All in all nicely done, and I look forward to more!

I'm really liking your depiction of Lucifer. He seems like this cool guy, with a shade of Mafia Don in him. John's an interesting character as well. He does remind me of an old-school badass action hero, so it was funny that you mentioned Die Hard and Clint Eastwood since those are two pop culture icons I associate with that type. I enjoyed the banter and buddy-buddy style interactions they had going on.

Maydos, hmm. I'm more interested in his motives than him as a character at this point. He obviously has further plans for John, ones that even have Lucifer taken by surprise from the looks of things. The fight scenes were described well; I could picture them rolling out in my head. They had a nice actiony cinematic feel to them.

Another thing I thought interesting was your depiction of Hell as some rundown town ruled by the rich and powerful. Fits in well with the old-school action-hero tropes you have going on as well as making for a pretty nifty context to set your plot against, though it seems to shifting more to fantasy from the looks of the last scene.

Anyways, keep up the good work :)